Those of you that have children. What does it mean to be a dad or mom to you?

Cloaca, 20 days ago

We just celebrated nonbinary parents day for me yesterday in our household.

Although my parents are conservative they did not always meet typical gender roles. My mom was more nurturing and also the breadwinner/disciplinarian of the household. My dad did more help with my schoolwork, did a lot to show me how to garden/cook, and helped me to really enjoy reading. Both taught me about the value of good work ethics, how to use a chainsaw, and how to have a sense of humor.

The biggest takeaway that I have though is that religious ideology and toxic masculinity caused my dad to have a more distant relationship with me than we could have had. Even now I struggle to have a conversation longer than 5 minutes with him on the phone, but my mom keeps telling me how much he likes to talk to me and how much it means to him when I visit.

My kid is a bit older than 2 and a half, and he tends to view me as the comfort parent because I’m the parent with enough upper body strength to still hold him for an hour or longer. He also likes to brush my hair after a shower and do gardening/composting with me. I also tend to be the goofier parent and am enthusiastic during play time.

My wife does more reading and baking with him. They make up songs together and she loves to try to get him to think critically about the world. My wife also loves to talk with family and friends on the phone, so she involves him in those conversations and works to plan playdates and other activities.

Ultimately being a parent to me means listening to my kids needs, educating him on a number of topics, and as needed being an authority figure that helps keep him inline and well mannered. No one is going to be perfect at it and what will work for one kid might not work for the next.

onevia, 18 days ago

Thank you so much for your insightful reply ❤️

I think I personally got so caught up in the idea of “what makes a good mom” that I didn’t really see the simple answer of it being about being a good parent. Just being that person your child can always come to

ada, 23 days ago

I don’t know? I’m a mum. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know how it differs from being a dad. Aside from the label, it feels pretty much the same, yet the label is important…

onevia, 23 days ago

I feel largely the same way. When I try and think of what makes a good mom or dad, they both are basically “what makes a good parent”

I just have some mental block on the labels for some reason. 😓

NelloYello, 25 days ago

I have a 4 year old myself, with my egg cracking about halfway through the pregnancy. In my experience, there has been a bit of adjustment, but at the same time it hasn’t made much of a difference honestly.

At the end of the day, just being a good parent, gender notwithstanding, is all that you need to be. My daughter sees both of her parents as “mom,” but we try to both cover the breadth of roles that are traditionally seen as paternal, as well as maternal.

There might be some weirdness when it comes to interaction with other parents, depending on how you pass, whether you’re out to the general public, etc., but we’ve honestly had more difficulty being “the lesbian couple” than me being trans.

Really, as long as you are providing for your child’s needs, and they see you as someone who loves and cares for them, then the whole “being a mother” role becomes irrelevant, and mostly based within our own social constructs. Do what you can to be the best parent you can be, and you’ll already be the best mother you can be.

onevia, 25 days ago

Thank you for your response ❤️🥹

My son is 21 months old and his birth was a catalyst for my egg crack.

Ever since he was born I parented as my authentic self (whether I realized that at the time or not) so largely my parenting has been just that. Being the best parent I can be.

My wife and I were talking earlier today and we both for some reason are having a hard time seeing me as a “mom” but also not as a “dad” Somewhere in between, but in all other aspects we both see me as a woman. Dysphoria withstanding.

I’m not saying I feel like the parental roles should be different per se, that doesn’t make sense to me. I view it as a full partnership and gender doesn’t play a part.

But then on the other hand I feel like I’m taking something away from my son by feeling more and more disconnected from “daddy” and more connected to “something else” Like I don’t deserve the title of mom or dad but something else. I desperately want to be mom but I love hearing my son run up to me yelling dada!. It warms my heart because that is his sound for me. For our special connection we share…

I think at the end of the day, I have some internal transphobia to work through because this is the one area of my transition where I have this sense of being a “trespasser” Being a mother has always been a dream of mine even when I didn’t have the words for it. So why don’t I feel like I am a mother? When in all aspects of life I am living as my authentic self.

😓

Anyways, thank you for coming to my Ted talk :)