talizorah

talizorah, 11 months ago

When I started on the internet, I found myself in a small forum about a game I liked. Like you, I found myself building a kind of persona that was closer to how I felt, and said more of what I wanted to say. Took several years to get professionally diagnosed, but by that point, I had moved past that little forum and into bigger spaces like Reddit. Funnily enough, once the pool of people got bigger, responses came more freely! But it also came with more criticism, more anger. People wanting to be dicks for no real reason...

What I found was that I regressed into acting online like I have to act in person. And hell, if you can't relax anywhere, your anxiety will only continue to wind like a spring.

You know the meme, "on the internet, no one knows you're a [blank]". Well, they will know once you tell them and apologize for existing. My advice, that I am going to also need to take, is to just be unashamedly you. Still be kind to others by default. Still don't post anything illegal or damaging. But if you have a thought? Post it. You saw something cool? Post it. You have a comment? Say it! It's hard to enjoy things if you're forever worried about the thoughts and actions of others, and I have robbed myself of so much joy just by being afraid of what someone thinks of 'me'.

But on the internet, nobody knows I'm a quarian. So, I'll build that sense of self again, without the mask, here. I encourage you to do your best! And even if you fall short of your goal, be kind to yourself. You've got all the time in the world to try again.