What "wanting something" is. My thoughts and my journey

Hey Everybody. I am using capital letters For Titles In case you want to skip something.

A LITTLE INTRODUCTION OF ME:

I started feeling depressed 13 years ago, I was underaged with [difficult] parents so I didn’t receive any help. Now I am an adult and for the last year and a half I am going to therapy. I tried lots of different therapists until I found the one I work with carently, she is really good and has helped me a lot plus I found the strength to leave everyone behind and start over (actually I live with my brother and I still have contact with my best friend, but my brother has changed a lot and my best friend was always an angel).

I can’t say that I am not depressed anymore. I know better than that. BUT I can say that I am dramatically better and that I have large periods of time between my episodes.

I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU SOME THINGS I HAVE REALIZED IN MY JOURNEY:

Things seemed to start to get better when my environment got better. But I still was deep in my depression.

Things seemed to start to really get better when I felt that my environment was safe and supportive.

I had a terrible childhood so I needed to feel safe so I could start thinking straight.

Things fell in place when I started rebuilding from the start. I realized nothing I ever had done was for me. I never had the chance to think what I liked. All my childhood I was hearing that my dreams are stupid and not sustainable so at some time I stopped dreaming, thinking and feeling all at once. So when I started searching what I wanted, life just clicked, okey I admit that’s a little dramatic, let me explain it better.

At first I couldn’t understand the meaning of the phrase “what you want” and why my answers was wrong. When I finally understood, I started to wonder what “I wanted” (I haven’t found out yet, but I am learning a lot of things in the process).

Now I can understand that when I understood what “I Want” meant there was a huge step for my mental health, from then and going forwards I am making lots of progress. It took me about a year to understand what “I Want” means and in the next 6 months I have worked on at least 8 different things.

I read a lot of stories from others with depression and I am starting to feel like they may not know what “wanting something” really means. I hope the knowledge I got from my experience help someone get through this easier and faster.

For whoever needs it! HOW I UNDERSTOOD WHAT THE PHRASE “WHAT I WANT” MEANS:

1. I asked as many people as I could what they thought it meant.
2. I processed the answers (did they make sense to me?)

The answers that kind of made sense for me was:

My best friend told me “It’s something you think of regularly and makes you feel good”

Someone else said “It’s something you do without thinking of the outcome, for example you want to paint cause you like the process not because you want to have a painting to hang on your wall”

My brother told me "do you want chocolate? Why?“

3. I made my own definition

Which is " Wanting something means to constantly think of it with a positive feeling that doesn’t involve the expectation of an outcome” (I am not sure it makes lots of sense in English)