I plan on blowing my brains out soon.

I’ve posted here a lot about my mental health, I lost basically everything, I have no one I can talk to, my car is wrecked, I have less than 100 bucks in my bank account, while I have housing their are problems that make it not the best. I have 1k in debt.

In terms of my housing, I lived with some members a activist group for a bit, but they got too extreme the the point where they think me wanting to pay of my debt, save up for a car is individualist and me wanting to go college is carrierist.

Another thing is I’m an unattractive trans fem, que transphobia, I know y’all are gonna laugh like hell when I blow my brains out, some of y’all might be like THIS IS THE Consequences OF GENDER IDEOLOGY.

I just really don’t see a way forward at all, I felt like there isn’t much for me in this world anymore. Everytime I call a suicide hotline I get the dumbest most braindead advice like do an activity I enjoy as if that changes any of the material conditions of my life.

My plan is to have a dead switch, so when I do die 911 is called to help avoid any unnecessary trauma. It’s crazy to think 22 years ends like this.

guyrocket,
guyrocket avatar

All the best to you, friend.

I've found that the darkness during the darkest times in my life has been a false darkness, multiplied by my own myopia and depression.

I don't know you or your exact situation beyond what you've said here. But I do know you can overcome. You CAN survive this and one day you will thrive. Survive, then thrive.

All the best to you, friend.

classic,

This is well put. "False darkness" is appropriate

If nothing else, the point where you're ready to take the extreme action of ending your life might as well as be the point where you consider other radical actions that might take your life in a more desired direction

Kahnares,
@Kahnares@lemmy.ml avatar

Hopefully, I’m not too late. What you’re going through sucks and there’s some really valid advice in some of the other comments. I urge you to take the time to read through them and consider them. I’d like to come at it from a different perspective.

Be a selfish asshole: take care of yourself first, take care of the people and things that are important to you next. Fuck everyone and everything else! The world belongs to you as much as anyone else. You’re here. You matter. Don’t let other circumstances or people take that away from you.

I could tell you to think about your family, your friends, your pets…all the people who would miss you if you follow through on this. Those are important considerations but at the end-of-the-day, those are secondhand things. You are the center! You get to define your own worth and don’t let anyone tell you differently. If someone tells you that you’re not worth it, tell them they’re full of shit. Then walk away.

Sometimes life can be a struggle. Other times, it just plain sucks. But it’s your life. You get to choose how you deal with the bad stuff. I’m hoping you choose to live and fight on. Read the other comments. Most (all?) of us have been in dark places at some point but we’re still here. You can be too.

toxicbubble,

hey i came across this by chance. wanna let you know i felt the same about a decade ago when i was around ur age & hit rock bottom. I’ve tried to end my life several times & I’m glad i didn’t, there’s so much out there to live for and now i dedicate my career to helping animals and others in need because it gives me purpose. i still struggle, but I’m 100% better than before, & i promise it gets a little easier each day. please hold on to your hope 💓

burgersc12,

Good luck, just know that no matter how alone you feel, there are good people out there somewhere, just gotta find em somehow

murmelade,

Life is very short and you will die soon anyway. Hang around and see what happens and try to not take things so seriously. Find the humor in things even though it’s fucked up. Find the beauty in the banal even though it’s boring. It gets easier as you mature.

Ltcpanic,

100 percent this helped me.

Helped me find a sense of humor that I want to try bringing to others at open mics. 16 years after beating depression, it’s worth it.

If you’re going to do something extreme, do it with a tinge of positivity. Change your life while helping others. Volunteer. You will be helping yourself in the process, I promise

Mango,

Quit pretending like you’re going to do it in hopes that someone comes along with a pile of money for you.

When your environment is hostile to you, be hostile back. It’s the natural response. When your environment literally changes your genitals because you asked it to, maybe figure your shit out. $1000 is not a lot. Get a job.

Icalasari, (edited )

If nothing else will convince you, then may the horrid cases of the suicide not going to plan convince you. Many living in agony because the gun slipped and now they have no jaw, or the drugs weren't enough and they have endless health issues, or the noose broke and now they have brain damage

And these people do not get another chance at it, they live and are monitored

Edit: I see you mentioned an abusive family. Do you really want to risk even the smallest chance of this not going right and then being back in their clutches, being their prop as they milk your resulting disability for every cent?

If you can't live for yourself, and can't live for hope, then live out of sheer fucking spite

intensely_human,

I would never dream of framing your individual struggle in terms of ideology. All that stuff is secondary to you.

You have the right to do this. I wish you wouldn’t though.

One thing I know is that dopamine makes life bearable, by producing positive emotion and acting as a literal painkiller. Also, that dopamine is released any time the brain perceives you are moving toward a valued goal.

I think that if you’re open to trying one last thing before the finality of that gunshot wound, you might want to try helping others who are in a similar situation as you.

ANY kind of pain or suffering becomes meaningful if you vow that you will use it as input for a process by which you help others. With the hell you’ve been through, you would make a great counselor, social worker, or therapist.

I know in my own mental health journey, I’ve felt alienated and misunderstood by therapists who don’t seem to understand how much pain I’m in, or that such levels of pain even exist.

But then other times, I know I’m working with someone who has, themselves, suffered deeply. Who knows how bad it can get.

That can be you. You can turn all this misery into the backstory of how and why you became a therapist. You can help other people who’ve (a) been surrounded by extremists and had their perspective warped, (b) made drastic changes to themselves that they now regret.

If I’m reading you correctly, you are not happy with how your mtf transition has gone. But you also did not have the option of not doing it. You felt compelled by circumstance to try.

Now compare that experience to someone who feels honor bound to join a gang, for whom life is unbearable unless they make the plunge into a new group full of meaning. Now imagine they cover themselves head to toe in tattoos, altering their appearance forever in full dedication to their new path, and then the gang gets decimated in a war. Their tattoos gain them entrance nowhere, their brothers for whom they gave up their normal body are gone.

Can you imagine how they would feel? Yes you can, because you’ve been through something similar

Now imagine that person needs help. They need a therapist who can truly understand their pain. Imagine a soldier who went to afghanistan, transformed himself into a killer, maybe shot some innocent civilians because for a moment they appeared to be attacking his convoy. He can never go back to being an innocent person. His old life, his old self, is gone. He feels completely trapped in his new reality, and every day he feels a black despair, a hopeless dull pain that makes it impossible to take a deep breath, and his mind races, looking for a way out of his bind, and he knows that there is none because he went down a one-way road.

Imagine him trying to find a therapist who understands that pain. You could be that therapist, because you understand that pain.

Maybe, before you kill yourself, you should consider that your suffering is now something you own, and that you can give others an ear that few people can.

And I promise that if you can find a way to orient yourself toward a goal that matters deeply — far more deeply than “pay off my debts” or “bring on the revolution”, something like “be there for the other people who have suffered like I have” — then it will reduce your suffering and plant the seeds for some real joy.

Fuck doing something you enjoy. Those anti-suicide lines are apparently staffed by incredibly naive people, and for that I’m sorry. You are no longer naive, and that means you have something those idiots on the phone do not. You have the ability to empathize and connect with people whose lives are so deeply fucked that death seems to be the only way out.

The closer you’ve been to the abyss, the more you can help. See what I’m saying?

Fuck doing something you EnJoY. What saccharine horseshit to tell a person in a place as dark as the one you’re in now. Instead, do something meaningful.

It could be lots of things. Whatever matters to you. But just imagine for a second if you met another person with a history similar to your own. Imagine the relief in them when they realize that you can see them in a way nobody else can. Would you like to maybe try doing that? Being the therapist who’s been so deeply fucked they can actually help those who are deeply fucked?

You can do that. And there’s no downside. Maybe you try volunteering as a counselor or coach in a local org, and see where it takes you. And if it doesn’t work, you still have the option to leave.

Ahardyfellow,

Fuck doing something you EnJoY. What saccharine horseshit to tell a person in a place as dark as the one you’re in now. Instead, do something meaningful.

Not OP but damn, thanks. Needed that.

TimewornTraveler,

“a sub for mental health, this sounds like the perfect place to post SI with no trigger warning. after all, I’m the only one who matters.”

what the actual fuck is wrong with you for posting a title like this? call 988 and show some respect to this community

llamapants,

What the actual fuck is wrong with YOU? Obviously, this person is not in their right mind and not thinking straight. You think speaking to people like this is going to solve anything? If you have such an issue, report the post and block it from your feed instead of whatever the fuck that was. Have some compassion, Christ.

intensely_human,

(TimewornTraveler is also not in the best state of mind right now. Read between the lines on what they’re saying. Why would they be so upset about suicidal ideation triggers right now?)

TimewornTraveler,

I actually work with people who are struggling with SI and encounter these sudden and blatant disclosures from time to time. It is a desperate plea for attention (and rightfully so, OP feels they need it) but it takes no consideration at how others might be impacted by it. For every supportive commenter that you read here and see downvoting me, how many do you think turned away after reading the title and had their own day fucked up? You’re not going to see that in the comments, but it’s in the world right now.

intensely_human,

I appreciate the opportunity to hear how OP is feeling. It is a privilege to see such darkness firsthand, and therefore to know I’m not alone.

Hamlet contains suicidal ideation, and reading it when I was on the edge myself pulled me back.

I’m sorry if the whole thing is activating your own escape instinct. If you want to talk to someone who’s tried, I’m willing to talk.

KonekoSalem,

It’s ok to ask for help anywhere.

If you think this post is a problem, do you want to be angry with the user, or rather with the system that made them post here in the first place, and the system that isn’t filtering it?

Ultragigagigantic,
@Ultragigagigantic@lemmy.world avatar

Are you a fortune teller? A far seer? Tell me right now what the next PowerBall numbers will be!

You can’t, because you don’t know what will happen in the future. You don’t know if things will get better and if you find better people to live around.

So since you can’t know for sure, maybe you should keep going to see if it works out. You die eventually anyways, what’s the rush?

Ookami38,

No chintzy words are going to change how you feel. All that you’re going through? It’s a struggle. It’s very real. I get not wanting to keep going.

The only thing I’ll ask of you is, when you’re at that end, when you’re ready to pull that trigger, just pause. 10 minutes. If you can find someone to talk to, or something to do, even better. Just give it 10 more minutes. Enjoy a last cigarette if you smoke. Hell, maybe try one if you don’t. You’ve lasted 22 years, what’s 10 more minutes, right?

If you want to talk, seriously from the bottom of my heart - hit me up. I don’t have pretty words for you to swallow. I don’t think you need pretty words. I think you need real, human connection, and I can promise that to you.

I_Has_A_Hat,

“Thing will get worse. Then better. Then worse. Then better again.

This is life; and I’ll not lie to you and say that every day will be filled with sunshine.

But there will be sunshine, and that is a very different thing to say. That is truth.

I promise you, you will be warm again.”

pixelmeow,
@pixelmeow@lemmy.world avatar

❤️ Brandon Sanderson

dream_weasel,

Solid book

acchariya,

I understand where you are coming from. First, procure some psilocybin mushrooms and take a dose of that. If you don’t still feel better after 24 hours, plan a bank robbery. I mean it- If you are going to die anyway, rob the tellers drawers for 5-10k, and then fly to Bangkok and party in a place where you will be embraced.

Aganim,

plan a bank robbery. I mean it- If you are going to die anyway, rob the tellers drawers for 5-10k,

I hope that was a poorly executed joke. As somebody who experienced a bank robbery: please don’t. Having your life suck is not a reason to fuck up somebody else’s.

acchariya,

Planning a bank robbery and the things you will do after it are a good distraction from suicidal thoughts even if almost nobody actually robs the bank

intensely_human,

People might think you’re joking but having been suicidal to the point of having tried as hard as I could before, this is some of the best advice I’ve ever seen.

CoriolisSTORM88,

I don’t know how to respond. Please don’t give up yet. Life can be bad for a while, but eventually, it gets better.

GardenVarietyAnxiety,

Take a look at this. It may be helpful:

lemmy.world/post/14563584

  • All
  • Subscribed
  • Moderated
  • Favorites
  • •
  • mentalhealth@lemmy.world
  • kavyap
  • thenastyranch
  • tester
  • GTA5RPClips
  • InstantRegret
  • DreamBathrooms
  • ngwrru68w68
  • magazineikmin
  • everett
  • Youngstown
  • mdbf
  • slotface
  • rosin
  • cisconetworking
  • JUstTest
  • khanakhh
  • normalnudes
  • osvaldo12
  • cubers
  • tacticalgear
  • Durango
  • ethstaker
  • modclub
  • anitta
  • megavids
  • Leos
  • provamag3
  • lostlight
  • All magazines
    •