Censorship of Aaron Bushnell's self-immolation video angers me.
By all means put all the warnings. Don't let children anywhere near it. If it will hurt you to watch it, don't. Don't click on it in the first place, or look away when you need to. Unless you feel a strong conviction to do this, unless you know this is a constructive way for you personally to handle these situations, do NOT look.
But we should get to make that CHOICE for ourselves.
Those of us who wish to give him our respect in this particular way, those of us capable and willing for whatever reason to serve as witnesses, don't need a bunch of squeamish nannies getting in the way. This muffling, this covering up, this sanitization... as if the horrors become any less if we just don't see. As if it makes the world better, to hide reality. The turning away, the hiding, the denying and ignoring and papering over, is part of what got us here in the first place.
Like the "beauty screen" of trees the loggers leave along the highways to hide the clearcuts, so motorists can pretend the forest is still there.
Gaslighting makes me feel like I'm covered in ants. Every so often, I need to stand up and rip aside the cobwebs and fucking LOOK the monstrosity of this world right in the face. There's a calm, quiet place in the pit of my guts where I feel centered... a cathartic reality check. Yes. It's this bad. Yes, we are screaming.
Yes, this is intolerable.
If you had survived this, Aaron... maybe you would have regretted doing it. Maybe you would have changed your mind, and not wanted people to watch after all. I certainly hope your parents never see or hear it. I can't imagine what they are feeling now.
But the choice was made, and can't be taken back.
I can serve as a witness. I don't know why or how I am capable of watching this so calmly. This is NOT something I'm bragging about or a thing to emulate-- it could definitely be argued that I'm only wired in this peculiar way because there's actually something really wrong with me. I'm not going to judge that one way or the other. My peculiar perspective has its advantages and its costs. When I can find an advantage, I'll use it.
I'd really rather not, though. None of this should be happening. I'd rather that LillyAnarKitty was still with us.
The word "martyr" makes me feel ill. Glorifying the destruction of life and beauty always sickens me, even if the sacrifice can be said to have accomplished something.
Just because a shocking act might trigger events that show up in the news, doesn't mean it's worth more than what that life fully lived could have accomplished in ways we won't hear about from some viral fluke.
I can understand why someone would choose to do something like this. I can respect it. But if I had any chance to talk to them ahead of time I'd beg them not to do it. Don't. Please, please don't.
Your heart and skills are needed. The world is better with you in it.