why do other trans people have such cool life stories
I didn't try on my mom's clothes
I didn't hang out with the girls at school
I didn't play with makeup
I didn't "act like a girl"
I didn't hate my name
I didn't cross dress
I didn't let myself look inwards
I didn't get told "we always suspected" when I came out
I didn't know
I just felt sad and wrong and I didn't know why.
I was hollow and my emotions didn't make sense
every relationship I tried went sour because I didn't feel anything
if I didn't get that time during covid to really think, I might never have figured it out. I might have gone my entire life as a sad but ok most of the time, guy
it always hurts when I read or hear some trans person's journey as they recount every instance where it was "clearly a sign" and they were just born in the wrong body and they were basically a girl anyway and...
because of this, I just never related to these few trans people I saw in the public eye. I thought of it as this rare disorder that was for therapists to diagnose
it took me a while to realize it wasn't about who I had been. It was about who I wanted to become
@ivy that “always known” narrative is the one that has been expected by us by the gatekeepers for decades. so even those who didn’t “always know” have learned to pretend that they did, for their safety, because anything else will get them attacked and invalidated.
this is a strategy imposed on trans people for the exact purpose to discourage and alienate those of us who can’t relate.
it’s not you. it’s the system designed to break us and make us feel like we aren’t real
@ivy I relate with this a lot. And it took me to the age of 42 to get to this point. But from everything that I read from other trans people experiences, every journey is different. We shouldn’t measure ourselves on a transness scale, because that doesn’t exist. We all came through different contexts and different backgrounds, and that can change our journey immensely. Now that you know you are trans, enjoy it and don’t worry if your experience is different from most of the others. There are some that had similar journeys. 😉
@ivy I am/was in a similar boat. Absolutely no “signs” in childhood. Some oddity in my early teenage years but mostly just not being able to picture my future or what I wanted. I’ve thought “I wish I was a lesbian” a fair bit, without wanting to date anyone. Then one day I had that thought again and then thought “hey wait a minute” and here I am. I’m still low-key in denial tbh.
@merpthebirb oof the I wish I was a lesbian hits hard
I thought I couldn't be trans because I like women most of the time
I think the best way to find what's best for you is to experiment. once you've tried a bunch of things, ask yourself what makes you happier until you dial in on what you like :3
one thing that really helped me was meeting some gay friends irl and experimenting with pronouns with them. it really helped me find how I wanted to be perceived
@ivy that’s a story that cis people expect us to tell. Probably so they can tell themselves that they have nothing in common with us. While it does reflect some trans peoples lived experience, its by no means a universal or superior experience.
@ivy I've felt this way about a lot of the "mainstream trans narratives". I hate that even within the trans community there's this idea of "the one right way to be". I had no real idea either until it just //hit me// four years ago. :trans_heart:
I can say I stole my brother's clothes, but at the time it was just because I liked the colours and thought I looked cute in them.
I just kind of accepted that the world said I was a girl, so I was. I didn't know I could question it or be something else. For me discovering that nonbinary was a possibility in my 30s meant I started questioning so many things about myself.
Every story is valid, whether that be the transperson who knew when they were 3, the one who found out when they had a "gay" relationship that felt straight to them (or vice versa,) or the one who made it through raising their kids, being married, and having a career before figuring out what that nagging feeling of discomfort in their consciousness for years actually was.
@ivy I'm not a girl, but it's similar for me in that I didn't seem to do a good job of being the guy society wanted me to be and things hardly seemed to make sense on numerous fronts. Eventually I got immersed in femboy-related content as well as other queer content, and soon enough it just clicked that I'm a femboy.
@ivy There was a lot of wanting to be a girl for me that I had convinced myself was just curiosity. Fantasizing about getting the chance to try out being a girl, putting socks in my shirt while home alone to emulate having boobs, I tried very hard to make myself dream about being a girl for a while. Nope, totally not trans, just curious…
@ivy Very much relate to this. Besides a general “girls are cool and fascinating and what must if be like to be one” feeling I didn’t really know. And one of my mom’s issues with understanding me was that I didn’t exude “female energy”.
@ivy I mean, I knew, and I tick almost all of those boxes, but there was nothing cool about it. It just hurt for 30 odd years.
How we come to ourselves, who we were before, who we are going to be ... these things are different for all of us. No path is more or less valid than another, and we all mourn the things we didn't have. 💜
@ivy I don't align with most of those things either.
if there's one thing I've learned in the four years after my egg cracked, it's that there are no universal commonalities among trans people. we all have different stories and experiences. "born in the wrong body," "I crossdressed," etc as constants are all fables that we tell cis people - holdovers from when we had to relate a specific sequence of events and behaviors to medical gatekeepers in order to receive proper treatment.
some of us knew since we were very young. some of us didn't know until our thirties, forties or later.
some of us crossdressed, some of us didn't.
some of us feel like we were "born in the wrong body," some of us just felt aggressively indifferent toward our bodies.
some of us were very masculine or feminine before coming out in ways that weren't congruent with our AGAB. some of us behaved aggressively in line with our AGAB.
some of us hated our names. some of us didn't.
and so forth.
there is no one story. all of our stories are different. and don't let anyone try to suggest otherwise.
@ivy Feel like it can go the other way too. A child can show signs that suggest they might be trans, and then as an adult conclude that they are not. If gender is a spectrum, it doesn't make sense that being trans should be either/or. Everybody's just gotta figure out what makes them feel most like themselves, and no one owes anyone else an apology for where they land or how they get there.
@ivy Each journey I've heard is unique. Each one is a life story that has a happier ending. Each one is special. I enjoy hearing each one and seeing the person's face light up.
@ivy Feel most of that. My mom was 40 years older than me. I had no interest in her clothes. I felt more at home in girls groups but they weren't very welcoming. I don't know if I acted like a girl, but my schoolmates sensed that I was awkward somehow. I felt strangely out of place evrywhere but didn't do much introspection. I just was completely clueless until I found out.
But my mom told me that as a child I told her how much I hated my given name. I dressed 'flamboyant', including skirts.
@ivy I feel you. Never really had that cool origin story either — just one day I was talking with some trans friend irl and a lightbulb went on in my head that made a lot of sense
@ivy We all have pain we don't understand. It's really powerful when we realize where it has come from. And even more so when we confront the cause directly. For me, I was miserable for years but never connected it to the trauma in my life. Once I did and confronted it, things got better. Really happy for you! 🏳️⚧️❤️
@ivy I relate. There are little things, but I always saw them as part of other stuff I had going on. It wasn’t some lifelong dream finally realized so much as it was a sudden understanding of self that caused an internal reinterpretation of a bunch of small parts of myself. “Oh that’s why I felt weird there” “oh that perspective was really very trans of me”, Etc.
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