alexanderhay,
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Another year, another Eurovision. Here follows an increasingly inebriated series of shit-posts as I cover the most contentious contest in years.

alexanderhay,
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probably feeling rather relieved that Europe isn't focused on the UK right now.

alexanderhay,
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Crown Princess of Sweden making us all feel carpet envy.

alexanderhay,
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"It's been quite an eventful Eurovision this year" says annoying tit Graham Norton.

alexanderhay,
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I hate Abba. The way they've ripped off Ghost is unforgivable.

alexanderhay,
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Ah, Germany has its own version of Peter Kay. Is he just as unfunny?

alexanderhay,
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"Hooked On A Feeling" - that's certainly one way of putting it.

alexanderhay,
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Impressive sound editing during Israel's flag waving bit.

alexanderhay,
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This medley of Swedish hits is worthless without Bathory.

alexanderhay,
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Italy fighting off invisible bats with her flag.

alexanderhay,
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This year, voting will open before all the songs are finished. Yes, I'm sure that's transparent and above board.

alexanderhay,
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Err, given the atmosphere tonight, that trophy looks like an offensive weapon.

alexanderhay,
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Dear lord, these presenters remind me of root canal work.

alexanderhay,
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"I'm sure you already have some favourites already."

Yeah, and one of them has been disqualified.

alexanderhay,
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Ah, Sweden, where they can't even pronounce 'simultaneously' properly.

alexanderhay,
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So, 50 years after Abba, Sweden is being represented by Norwegian twins.

alexanderhay,
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Less "Enter Sandman", more "Enter Ginger Skullet."

alexanderhay,
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Ukraine with a semi-armoured singer who is also the world's least successful lemming.

Meanwhile, her co-singer is rapping whilst wearing chainmail, which must surely be in breach of sumptory laws, or something.

alexanderhay,
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Both lying on the floor now. They can't even be bothered to stay upright.

alexanderhay,
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Germany has already set fire to his living room, so you know this is going to be hardcore.

alexanderhay,
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Non-stop arson now. German Peter Kay is a loose cannon.

alexanderhay,
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Luxembourg decided now was the year to rejoin Eurovision. What could possibly go wrong?

alexanderhay,
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Luxembourg's twin whiptail hair makes her look like a mid-game Resident Evil boss.

alexanderhay,
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Special moment for Playstation 1 fans as that leopard was definitely rendered with one.

alexanderhay,
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Here comes Israel, and she's probably really grateful for the invention of dry ice at this point.

pixelshift,
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@alexanderhay Guns, money and lawyers. Pardon the pun.

alexanderhay,
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Dancing around the issue? Now that's what I call an unfortunate metaphor.

alexanderhay,
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And now Lithuana, represented by the boy with a cyborg nose.

alexanderhay,
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Yes, Swedish hosts, remind us of when the Netherlands won. Because it's not going to happen tonight!

alexanderhay,
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Spain being traumatically forgettable.

alexanderhay,
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Estonia being a troll job that doesn't realise it's a troll job.

alexanderhay,
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Yes, Graham Norton, do keep reminding us you're not Terry Wogan.

alexanderhay,
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I like how is healing the wounds between Ireland and the UK by having a singer with really British teeth.

alexanderhay,
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Definitely THE spectacle of the night. Crown that witch!

alexanderhay,
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That is the most curious jumper ever, Latvia.

alexanderhay,
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Dons is now bringing the cuirass back into fashion. Why he is doing this in an enormous wheat-o is a mystery.

alexanderhay,
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It's not bad. Ironically, Dons' number reminds me a bit of that Swedish song which won a few years ago.

alexanderhay,
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So, we proceed from someone dressed up like a cyber-hoplite to Greece. Her skirt also looks like it is from the future.

alexanderhay,
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The overall look for Greece is 'bricolage', which is quite fitting given that's what the song is like too. Like those dreams where you're visiting an old shopping centre but then end up being chased by a pigeon.

alexanderhay,
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Which arsehole assigned to the UK?

alexanderhay,
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Olly Alexander looks like he's hanging upside down. Geddit? His song's called "Dizzy!"

Meanwhile, homoerotic boxers are hurled about the room in a traumatic manner.

alexanderhay,
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An interesting visual concept and well put together, but someone really needs to clean that grout.

alexanderhay,
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Not sure a pugilism theme is all that appropriate for this year's Eurovision, given that so many people want to punch each other.

alexanderhay,
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I love these comedy skits. It's an excellent opportunity to nip off and void one's bladder.

alexanderhay,
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Oh shit, Norway's deployed the traditional instruments.

alexanderhay,
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What's Norwegian for "look at my rotating rock garden"?

derickr,
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@alexanderhay Se på steinhagen min.

alexanderhay,
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Oh no! Italy has slain Chewbacca and is wearing his pelt!

alexanderhay,
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Italy's set looks like the inside of one's brain during a migraine.

alexanderhay,
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Serbia couldn't afford to have the lights on as it frittered away the budget on an enormous Warhammer-style tactical boulder.

alexanderhay,
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Finland is trying to be ironic. It should stick to Moomins.

alexanderhay,
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Finland went from last year's song, which should have won, to this year's song, which should be tried at the Hague.

alexanderhay,
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Was one half of Finland's act meant to be naked from the waist down? Is this an oblique way of admitting it's a load of dangling bollocks?

alexanderhay,
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I really wish they'd change these map graphics, as it looks like all the contestant notions are exchanging tit for tat nuclear strikes.

alexanderhay,
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Portugal's song doesn't know what it's doing, but as the chanteuse says, peace will prevail... Eventually.

alexanderhay,
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Armenia is quite wry and knowing, which is precisely what you normally want during Eurovision. They're practically fighting off the urge to give us a sly wink.

A jolly, jaunty tune. It's DOOOOOOMED.

alexanderhay,
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Cyprus' entry is originally from Australia. She should at least have the decency to have a mullet and a digeridoo.

It's a good performance and a song that actually seems to know where it wants to go. (Unlike some previous songs tonight.)

alexanderhay,
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I suspect Cyprus will do really well this year. After all, nothing contentious has ever happened in Cyprus!

alexanderhay,
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Switzerland was a fluffy bore.

alexanderhay,
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The host is plugging the Eurovision album and DVD, but you're not allowed to play the Dutch track. Your hi-fi will explode.

The runestone gag was tepid.

alexanderhay,
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Will we be 'raving' about Slovenia's 'Raiven'? At the moment, it looks like she's playing Twister with her dancers, some of whom have turned up in their y-fronts.

alexanderhay,
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And so, Croatia, with a song about 'Lasagna'. He'd better be painted in orange and hate Mondays.

alexanderhay,
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Croatia's effort is like Rammstein having a fight with some New Romantics.

alexanderhay,
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That's a lot of doilies.

alexanderhay,
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Ooh, that was good! Croatia is precisely the sort of act that gets fucked over by the juries, though.

alexanderhay,
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Georgia sounds and looks a lot like a sort of gestalt of every generic mid-tempo Eurovision power ballad.

alexanderhay,
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Slimane is, apparently, huge in France. But he looks of average height here.

alexanderhay,
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High drama, as Slimane serenades the cameraman.

alexanderhay,
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Now he's singing at his microphone, but at a distance.

alexanderhay,
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Slimane was technically very good, but that alone doesn't win zip.

alexanderhay,
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And finally, Austria. Dressed for both a disco and a blizzard. OK, but nothing you haven't heard or seen before.

alexanderhay,
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And that's it for this year's song contest/international incident. How are you all voting? I have a witch to crown.

alexanderhay,
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Here comes the Jury Vote, and the booing.

alexanderhay,
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Here comes the public vote...

alexanderhay,
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I wonder what the Netherlands would have got? Anyway, night-night!

alexanderhay,
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It's all over now, bar the voting and the jury scandal.

alexanderhay,
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Is it possible to desecrate your own corpse while still alive? The 'Abbatars' seem to prove it is possible. Good to see Conchita Wurst back, through. A legitimate star, like Abba themselves.

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