I very much want to actively support the ability of people to express themselves as they feel best. If I were to meet you, should I offer encouragement and support, or should I treat the situation as just like any other?
Well it’s kinda cute when someone is being overly positive and supportive. For them it is something special and for me it’s just getting eggs at the store.
Yes. Clothing, makeup and hair and so on make a huge difference in how people perceive me. I just wear it because I like it, but it has an impact.
However, what matters most is how I feel and how I express that. When I show weakness some people will immediately exploit that to deal with their own frustrations. Likewise, when I feel fine, people love to tune in on that and I have zero issues socially.
So it really comes down to mental health, and I’m self aware of how I’m presenting.
A general way to remember this is that a trans woman is a woman, so she’s going to call herself a woman. She wouldn’t call herself a man and also be transitioning at the same time.
Like generally when we’re referring to ourselves we don’t do it in a self-invalidating way on purpose.
How did your friends and family handle and support your transition? I'm always hopeful that your support system will prove that they were there for you and not for their idea of you.
People keep surprising me. You can have a conservative hardliner who treats you with respect like a human and on the other hand someone who you thought would be totally excited about it but turns out to not understand it, leading to issues.
I’m currently not in contact with my family. It was just too painful and I have to think of my own mental health. Things have been a lot easier since I disconnected from them. It makes me feel like I failed them as a daughter. But it’s outside my power and I focus on my new life.
And as you say, it feels like some people just see their idea of you. I don’t think that that’s what love is. I think when you love someone you will pay attention and listen, and it’s not always what you want to hear.
I’ve definitely noticed this too. People I meet in the wild may start with an initial feeling toward me based on their politics, but with people who knew me before I transitioned I think it has more to do with their pre-existing image of me. Some folks seem to have a harder time processing me as a woman than others, and while politics is sometimes involved in the manner of their response, I don’t think it’s usually the determining factor.
I can often win over someone who’s a little conservative at least on a basic level just by being myself. But they don’t start with an image of me specifically because of that, but of trans women as a stereotype.
It’s a lot harder to get someone to think outside of their established understanding of another person, though. Especially if they’re so unaware of what’s going on with that person internally that transition is some big surprise.
Like I had friends who I literally used to regularly hang out with with other trans women who completely bailed the second I came out. Their other friends could be women, but not me.
While I'm sad that you had to disconnect from your family, I'm glad you had the strength to realize that it's better that way, at least for now. Maybe they will come around. It can be a real shock to some people, and maybe they just need time to process how different it feels, but I won't pretend to know your exact situation.
Thanks for this topic! What has been the most unexpected part of transitioning for you? What part was most uncomfortable? What part made you happiest? What parts of transitioning might be surprising to cis women?
The most unexpected part must be the freedom I’ve found.
I started because I felt sad that I’d never be able to go to the store as myself. That my entire life would be online or alone out hiking. So you see I was just trying to alleviate the sadness.
And I think that’s what a lot of people see when they see me. This suffering. But actually transitioning is a great thing. Suddenly you have all this freedom and a sense of relief.
I’ve lived in many places in Europe and currently am in a small city in the Netherlands. I’ve also lived in a village in the Bible belt here.
I am not afraid of confrontations, and so far I’ve been able to handle them. But this is only with a specific kind of frustrated person. Most people are kind.
About half are supportive, and people even keep up to me in public to tell me about their support.
The other half is kind but will misgender me and deadname me if they know it. I’ve stopped caring and just don’t become friends with them. Of course it always has an impact and it can create a lot of pain.
Edit:
I’d like to add that emotional safety plays a role.
That’s why I can’t spend time with some people. If for someone for example uses the wrong pronoun, then that is effectively invalidating me entirely. And it happens a lot, including in medical circles. I’ve been infantalized plenty of times. And I know that all women are deeply familiar with such experiences. But the solution is that I have to keep distance from such people.
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