xilliah

@xilliah@beehaw.org

Developmental informatics hacker

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xilliah, (edited )

I’ve lived in many places in Europe and currently am in a small city in the Netherlands. I’ve also lived in a village in the Bible belt here.

I am not afraid of confrontations, and so far I’ve been able to handle them. But this is only with a specific kind of frustrated person. Most people are kind.

About half are supportive, and people even keep up to me in public to tell me about their support.

The other half is kind but will misgender me and deadname me if they know it. I’ve stopped caring and just don’t become friends with them. Of course it always has an impact and it can create a lot of pain.

Edit:

I’d like to add that emotional safety plays a role.

That’s why I can’t spend time with some people. If for someone for example uses the wrong pronoun, then that is effectively invalidating me entirely. And it happens a lot, including in medical circles. I’ve been infantalized plenty of times. And I know that all women are deeply familiar with such experiences. But the solution is that I have to keep distance from such people.

xilliah,

You’re welcome.

The most unexpected part must be the freedom I’ve found.

I started because I felt sad that I’d never be able to go to the store as myself. That my entire life would be online or alone out hiking. So you see I was just trying to alleviate the sadness.

And I think that’s what a lot of people see when they see me. This suffering. But actually transitioning is a great thing. Suddenly you have all this freedom and a sense of relief.

Finding friends and love has become easier too.

xilliah,

People keep surprising me. You can have a conservative hardliner who treats you with respect like a human and on the other hand someone who you thought would be totally excited about it but turns out to not understand it, leading to issues.

I’m currently not in contact with my family. It was just too painful and I have to think of my own mental health. Things have been a lot easier since I disconnected from them. It makes me feel like I failed them as a daughter. But it’s outside my power and I focus on my new life.

And as you say, it feels like some people just see their idea of you. I don’t think that that’s what love is. I think when you love someone you will pay attention and listen, and it’s not always what you want to hear.

xilliah,

You could say MtF but I am not comfortable with that label. I prefer AMAB. Because I was always a woman but assigned male at birth.

xilliah,

Yes. Clothing, makeup and hair and so on make a huge difference in how people perceive me. I just wear it because I like it, but it has an impact.

However, what matters most is how I feel and how I express that. When I show weakness some people will immediately exploit that to deal with their own frustrations. Likewise, when I feel fine, people love to tune in on that and I have zero issues socially.

So it really comes down to mental health, and I’m self aware of how I’m presenting.

xilliah,

Warrior******

xilliah,

All questions are welcome. It used to confuse me a lot too.

xilliah,

Well it’s kinda cute when someone is being overly positive and supportive. For them it is something special and for me it’s just getting eggs at the store.

xilliah,

I remember how the commentary mentioned that they worked forever on that effect you see in the distance.

Edit: You can see the portal at 1:30 here

xilliah,

Have you tried FOSS? I use it for everything and pirating software is likely going to infect your computer.

xilliah,

Just search FOSS alternatives, there’s a plethora of websites for finding those.

xilliah,

Can you explain?

xilliah,

I cook a lot and still have tons of plastic. Cheese. Quark. Cream.

xilliah,

Good question. I’m an adult from the NL and I’d say more than half of the people I know on hrt use diy.

The first step would be overcoming your fear to visit a gp. These are tied to your postalcode and often there isn’t much choice.

Now you have to overcome it again when seeing a psychiatrist, and pay for that because it isn’t fully covered. So you might be paying a lot just to simply be discriminated.

I finally have a supportive gp now, which was a pain to find. The only medical professional I’ve seen that knew what she was talking about was the woman who did my laser treatment.

I’m still waiting.

xilliah, (edited )

Yup. Cuz I’m poor I have only the basic level of healthcare. I should add that this is essentially free and so it’s not an entirely bad system. But it’s effectively useless in many cases if you are poor.

How can someone be poor here? Well this can happen when you don’t fit squarely in the safety net. For example a friend of mine lived with her bf, but because it was social housing they made it extra small to motivate people to get out. But that also somehow made it legally too small for two people to live there. But because she is trans and poor she was essentially forced into that situation. So people often can’t be registered in the right places, which can impact your social stipend.

That’s why you are forced to pick the cheapest healthcare option, and that means your own risk will be about 1k euros a year. You have to pay that much for healthcare that year before you are covered 100%. It’s to demotivate overusing the system. Makes sense if you can afford it.

But what if you are genuinely poor? It’s common. Just imagine the levels of discomfort we go through. Imagine being a woman with facial hair and it makes you uncomfortable. How are you supposed to do anything like work? And all the stress causes mental health issues. It’s common to see in my community. People get panic attacks and everything.

And when against all odds you do go, and you pay all that somehow, you’ll likely be discriminated. There’s simply not enough training for psychologists here. From where I stand it’s absolutely reasonable that people use diy hrt, financially and emotionally. And you have to set that in perspective to the past, where that was the status quo. 😿

xilliah, (edited )

Cyberpunk is a dramatization of the world we live in.

xilliah,

Yap same with the hiv story in the US until they threw ashes on the lawn of the white house iirc.

xilliah,

Yup I saw that. And the series Pose.

xilliah,

Hey, can you try again?

xilliah,

Could someone else do it? It doesn’t work properly in my client.

xilliah,

Try again

xilliah,

I imagine a lot of people are already in such a situation right now.

xilliah, (edited )

Thanks for sharing. I’ll be sure to bring it up so perhaps we’ll be able to avoid it as much as possible.

If you have any actionable ideas? As in what to watch out for. Or perhaps any resources related to this topic.

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