I do have to be physically in the office two consecutive days this week, where usually I only have to be in for one day total, so thinking about that makes me feel pretty tired.
Mine has been going alright. I learned that I need to work on my conversational skills. I just don’t know how because when discussing topics in my head it flows easily, but when trying to say my thoughts out loud, I just blank out.
I know I wasn’t all like this when I was younger, but now I need to pause after each word to come up with this sentence.
So, I’ll try being more active in commenting instead of lurking to help my words flow.
Got a new router. Frustrated. I hate networking shit.
I live in a shitty part of the world where it’s not uncommon for power to go out, so I have a backup UPS/power bank for my current router.
When new one is plugged into power bank, it powers on fine, but for some reason won’t register the WAN cable as connected. Plugged directly into socket? Suddenly the cable is connected.
I legitimately don’t fucking understand this. Even tried another power bank with more juice, and same result.
It’s very annoying. I’ve needed a new router for years because the one I’ve been using is like a decade old, has zero firmware updates, and feels insecure all round. It’s also really low on features and I can’t even change the fucking username for logging into the device.
So this has been a fun two days of troubleshooting.
Sometimes I hate technology, if I’m being honest.
Edit: Lol, fuck all that shit. Turns out it had trouble keeping a stable connection with the cable regardless of power source, so seems I was just “lucky” the first time I switched them.
Weird that the cable works fine and is locked in on my other router, though. Finicky on this one. Return it, I shall. Still, technology has been having a lot of fun fucking with me over the last two years. At this point I’m afraid to buy any new tech.
Mostly ok! I’m just officially grads, so trying to get used to new routine and stuff. Fighting with myself during both my high and low but I think I’m doing alright and it should improve soon.
Thursday was a busy, exhausting day, that ended in misery for me. I still feel pretty miserable. I at least think more than usual. I’m trying to use the weekend to recover somewhat. Maybe like most weekends. What a life. Maybe I’m very pessimistic right now.
Before Thursday I at least had a routine where the misery was not so active and pronounced but only subliminal.
I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking about how much I don’t want to be alive while the whole world falls apart around me. I’ve been trying to get an appointment set up with a psychologist who can maybe diagnose me and get me medicated, but every single one I’ve called has said they’re either booked up or not prescibing meds at this time. If I lose my job, I will be waiting until the money runs out to kill myself.
I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but I’m proud of you for putting in the effort to try and get help. That’s hard to keep doing when you keep getting turned away. I hope you keep calling until you find someone who can/will see you.
It’s been an emotional rollercoaster… My friend group has been together and all talking again for the first time in a long time. It was soft and cozy at first, but now I remember how goddamn dysfunctional this group is.
A woman irl invited me to her D&D group, and I was elated because I really need a more grounded, offline social life. But they can’t work with my schedule.
I’ve tried to meet other people, but my neighbor is too needy and only talks about himself, and my coworker almost immediately joked about me being a pedophile because I talked about watching my niece and nephew.
I really want offline friends. Maybe I’m the problem?
Very tired still due to my overexertion, but I feel like I’m finally back in the headspace where I can hopefully pay more attention to the spoons I’ve got.
Already feel better than I did earlier, so horizon looks good right now.
That title takes me back to The X-Files, I never watched past the fourth episode but man, that episode is so good. It’s the one when we first understand where “I want to believe” comes from for Moulder.
My week is still going, Wednesday today. Mon and Tues sucked cuz I live in an underdeveloped country and the town transformer died so no electricity for two days. It’s back now and I have started Rise of the Tomb Raider on my potato PC while listening to A Short History of Nearly Everything!
Well, campus was quite a ways from my parents, but my uncle dropped by with a battery bank that let me keep using my phone for a bit. I mostly switched between watching shows over data and walking around campus with friends. It sucked at the time, but in hindsight it was nice actually getting off my ass and hanging out with people outside.
Just came back from my parents to cuddle our family dog one last time before she’ll be euthanised this Friday. It was rough. I love her so much and she’s been there for such an essential part of my life (12-27). I’m going to miss her so much. I’m happy she got to have a long and happy life, but I’m also glad she won’t have to live in pain anymore - her back joints are completely worn out. Combined with the reduced vision and hearing and incontinence, I’m sure it’s her time to go. It’s just hard :(
I remember having to unsub from r/dogpictures back when I was on reddit because 80% was just pics of ‘this is my dog who just died’ - it’s just too much. So I won’t do the same to you by posting pics here, but anyone who wants a cute doggo pic is welcome to dm me 🐕
Chugging through the week, but work is looking pretty chill so far and the phones aren’t too loud, so I’m grateful. My garden is looking good so far, really pleased with my kale. I keep grabbing my wife and going “look, it’s taking off!” at least every day, lol. Some of my other seed trays are doing their own thing too, and it’s giving me something to look forward to this summer. It’s usually so fucking hot here, but that should make for spicier peppers >:D
Went to the farmer’s market on Saturday, which was great. We usually try to sleep in, but waking up early let us take back our weekend a little bit and we came home with some locally grown teas and other goodies.
Dreamed about mom the other night. It didn’t ruin my day the way the first dream did though. It actually became lucid because I knew it couldn’t possibly be real, so it was kind of neat. I woke up and wrote a poem about it.
Started my first week of work since I got addicted to heroin and fell into a crisis a few years ago, finally back on track in a major and definitive way, and work is going very well, just wrapped up my second day!
Built a new PC for my wife and I, first I’ve done in over a decade. Mini ITX boards are wicked cute but it did start feeling a little cramped by the end. I also built a little egg washing station to hopefully save me some time cleaning eggs this year.
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