wklj, 
https://capedecoeur.com/products/the-messenger?variant=41747782041773
> Epaulets
What the fuck are epaulets? I'm not sufficiently couth to know what that means.
> strong shoulders with epaulets,
There's that word again. I guess I'm not sufficiently fashion forward? Or is this a comic book word?
> this element-resistant cloak-cape
Oh, maybe this is a comic book word?
> accommodate your style, from a classic suit to a wool sweater or puff jacket.
GOOD GOD, A PUFF JACKET AND A CAPE?! Now I feel this is actually a comedic article.