Obviously I can rationalise their internal beliefs as to why they do what they do - but it's like explaining the behaviour of an animal. "He's been brought up this way, so he just keeps doing what he's been taught".
OK, except these are also clever people who expect other people to change for them. Why does it never occur that the same might apply to them - that they might have to change and accommodate other people? That's what I can't understand.
Sadly I think a lot of men think of things purely in terms of power. They're constantly worried that they're not top dog, so they have to prove they are all the time by doing stupid aggressive things.
Dude. Let's just put it in simple terms. You're not top dog. You're not even a very high dog. There'll always be people who own more, who have more power, who look more successful. That's not important. It's completely useless to compare yourself to anyone else. All you have to do is to be good enough. You have to be good, and you have to be enough, for those around you.
And what you're going to have to learn, my dude, is that everything is about bargaining. You're always going to have to give up something in order to get something. If you love someone, you have to demonstrate that love by giving them some level of control - over your life together.
I went through some of my early life - up to about my early thirties - convinced I was always missing out. I kept thinking that I had done it tough, I'd struggled, I never got what I wanted. I kept on saying to myself, "on this one point I'm not going to give in, because I've given in on everything else." And I'd still lose.
Then I realised I'd been telling myself a bit of a lie. I'd actually had a pretty good life; we hadn't had a lot but we did have some pretty good advantages that set me up for a good career and a sensible life. And I realised that actually everyone else also saw themselves as hard done by, and if we all fought tooth and nail for the things we considered important then we'd just lose our teeth and nails.
Men are so much nicer when they're kind, when they don't have to show off. We can be courageous and selfless and brave and heroic, we can have chiselled jaws and strong chests - and this doesn't have to come at any cost to anyone else.
I love in "The Incredibles" where Mr Incredible admits that he isn't strong enough to watch his family be endangered. This is a guy who lifts train engines and he's not strong enough. And then Elastigirl says "you don't have to be", because they're all in this together, and they know they can do it. In that moment Mr Incredible is strong.
This won't get read much, I know. But I hope it helps some guys out there feel better about being good, and kind, and gentle, and caring.
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