I feel like I just can't win...

I’m feeling a lot of feelings and need to vent, so my apologies if this ends up being a little scatterbrained.

I’m a security guard in a purple city/red state, and I’m working an event tonight at a church. 3 hours into my shift, I’ve accepted that I’ll have to go to the bathroom at some point.

I’m tall (over 6ft/180cm), over weight, bad hairline, and the only obviously feminine shape I have is boobs (which are squished into a sports bra and not very visible).

Package all this in a polo shirt and black cargo pants… I’ve gotten “maam’d” -twice- in the 1.5 years I’ve been working this job.

So, after 3 hours of deliberating, I decided to trade some of my dignity for safety and just use the mens room. I’d already been misgendered, so I felt it was the best option…

I go into the mens room, take care of business (in a stall), and as I’m washing my hands, this guy comes in, sees me and says “am I in the wrong place??” as he walks back out to check the sign on the door. I told him no, I don’t think so and just got the fuck out as fast as possible.

There was no confrontation and I didn’t feel unsafe, though now I’m worried about a complaint (which I was also trying to avoid), and now I’m too nervous to use either one next time I have to pee… I can’t win. And I feel like my spent dignity got me nothing but frustration and a possible complaint.

I won’t lie, there was some validation in the whole thing, but it was tainted by the frustration of feeling like there’s no place in the world for me and the desire to just hide myself away from it all…

cowboycrustation,
@cowboycrustation@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

Hey, I’m sorry you gotta deal with this shit. I know what’s it’s like and it sucks. Nobody should have to deal with that shit and it’s not fair that things are the way they are.

Is there a single/family bathroom on the property? Might help avoid stuff like that in the future and ease dysphoria without potentially putting yourself in danger (though the risk itself is low).

Thanks for sharing. It’s always good to have a place to vent where people will understand what you’re going through. I wish you all the best 💜.

GardenVarietyAnxiety,

Thank you, I appreciate this. (Sorry it took me a minute to reply)

S_204,

Can’t really sympathize with this one, they don’t seem to have reacted negatively they reacted typically within the context our society operates in. No harm no foul. Hope the rest of your shift went easy. Keep doing what makes you comfortable, more people are like the confused gentleman than not ime.

whodatdair,

Aw, I’m sorry that happened - well I’m a cis guy and hate to say it but if I saw someone fem in a men’s restroom I’d probably react similarly tbh. We’re dumb monkeys and we just naturally see ‘other human’ and make snap perceptions that are often thrown way off by transitioning folks.

Bet you they were wrapped up in some other stupid thought line as they walked to the restroom and were entirely in their own head and suddenly like “oh shit a girl, wrong bathroom!”

Honestly I can’t tell you what they in particular were thinking but I’d say it’s probably 50-50 whether they even remember it. Probably just like oh that was weird that my radar failed, oh well. Or maybe like why was that girl in the men’s when there’s no line?

Despite what the screeching minority thinks, most people don’t actually care what restroom you use. We especially don’t care if women use the men’s - I’ve (usually drunkenly, tbf) been in so many places where there’s a line for the women’s and not the men’s and women will use the men’s instead, nobody has ever given a single solitary fuck.

You got clocked as a girl despite not trying to present as fem. I’d call it a win. 🥇 💜

One last thing, if you’re worried about a complaint: Realistically, if you were born masc and someone gives you shit for using the men’s, just tell them you haven’t had bottom surgery (not assuming whether you have, but lie if you have), they’ll shut the fuck up real quick.

GardenVarietyAnxiety,

Definitely a win in the end, lol. Thanks =)

No complaints yet, btw. At least none that I’ve heard about!

whodatdair,

Glad to hear it! Hope you’re doing well, and happy visibility day! 💜🏳️‍⚧️

Azzu,

When you’re not “normal” it feels like there’s no place in the world for you. You’re experiencing what many people that are different in some way experience.

I’m not trans but autistic. If there’s anything I know, it’s feeling like the world was not made for you. I felt like an alien most of my life.

But it’s not true. There’s a place for anyone. It will not be in the “general population” though.

I can only speak from my experience. But I’ve managed to find a lot of people in my area that are similar to me or not normal in other ways. They are the nicest people I’ve ever met and I’ve built a circle of friends/community with them.

If you don’t have that, I can certainly understand your feelings. But since I have these many people close to me, I’ve started feeling like this less and less. I still have situations like you where I feel I don’t belong, but it honestly at this point feels mostly like the “normal” people are the weird ones for being so intolerant.

If I can give you advice, it’s to seek out similar people. People that are different. People that are good to you. I don’t know what your situation is, what your environment is. But there are people like that everywhere. Idk if there are any bars or other places close to you that could have such people. Any events, meetups. If there are literally none, maybe think about moving somewhere.

I know what I’m talking about seems obvious, is hard, and it’s not some deep insight. But I really think it’s probably the most important thing, so I’m saying it anyway.

Just know that even though I don’t know you, I’m sending you lol (lots of love) and wish for you to find a way to either not have these situations anymore or for them to not bother you anymore.

GardenVarietyAnxiety,

I have a few other challenges, mostly social, that makes meeting people and making friends incredibly difficult, but your words are encouraging. Thank you. 💜

TGhost,
@TGhost@lemmy.ml avatar

Concerning the men, what im really learning, is for a lot of them im not a girl, execept if they can use it to “beat me”.

Like in your example, you are already misgendered but on this case, in toilets you are not, so the asshole can speak and hurt you.

They affect us, but if its on the long term, they win.

JimmyBigSausage,

Get a hat and coat. No one will notice. Call it your pee garb. This is your armor.

GardenVarietyAnxiety,

Haha, “pee garb”

Thanks, I needed that

Potatos_are_not_friends,

I absolutely walked into the wrong bathroom one time and saw the opposite sex in there, and absolutely had a panic. Same feeling - like I was going to get in serious trouble, but nothing did happen. Yet I still think about it.

Yet from the other perspective, if a person of a different gender ran I to the bathroom and said, “I gotta go before I pee my pants”, id absolutely give them a salute and let them handle their business. It happens.

I love unisex bathrooms and honestly have a mental map of those places.

whodatdair, (edited )

Right?! When I was like a legit kid (like 15 years ago) I accidentally changed in the wrong changing room at the local pool and I still remember the embarrassment I felt when I realized after all these years

Nobody that was in there but me remembers lol

GardenVarietyAnxiety,

Thanks. And yeah, I love unisex bathrooms too. They’re always my first choice.

Machindo,

I hear you and I feel for you.

GardenVarietyAnxiety,

Thank you 💚

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