onevia

onevia, 2 months ago

Heyya Riikka, I wish I had some help to give but you have my support. I am so sorry you’re going through this and now need safety and resources.

I’m not sure if these are any help but here is a list of resources specific to Oklahoma. When things have settled and you have a bit of breathing room, I suggest looking into moving to a blue state. Specifically with good trans protection laws.

pflagoklahomacity.org/resources

onevia, 2 months ago

It was just after 1am on a warm summer morning. My wife was told after 25 hours of labor she was going to need an emergency C-section. We were terrified as baby’s heart rate kept dropping in and out of normal range all labor and he was struggling to move down the canal.

Nurse: Dad, this is the time to get your phone out and take babies first photo!

Me: She’s not talking to me. I’m not a father. I’m not even sure what I am…

Nurse: This is it! Time to see if it’s a boy or girl!

Me: Oh it’s a boy we found out with the ultrasounds

Nurse: Are you sure? Those aren’t always accurate. You never know! Nope, definitely a boy…

My son was born and I spent the first hour of his life alone as my wife had complications after the c section. We did skin to skin, him on my chest… Cue identity crisis.

Months of not grasping the concept of how I could be a father. Why did I feel more connected to the idea of being a mother. I googled “how to know I’m trans” and came across the Gender Dysphoria Bible that smashed my egg wide open at the tender age of 29

onevia, 2 months ago

Although I started watching her content RIGHT after my egg cracked, the first video I stumbled across was her actual coming out video (be in happenstance or Google has a deep grip on my data) but man was I bawling when she talked about being in a war and she was tired of fighting.

Felt so seen in a time when I wasn’t sure about anything anymore.

onevia, 2 months ago

“to learn more and be a good ally”

Yeah, I have found a lot of eggs are just “really good alliesTM”

I was one. I remember I accidentally asked a little too many questions about my and my wife’s non-binary friend before my egg cracked. Kept phrasing it as “I just want to make sure they’re comfortable and they know I really care about them and think this is great… for them obviously”

My wife says that is when she knew and about a month later I came out as trans to her (and myself)

So yes. My wife knew before I did. 😅

onevia, 2 months ago

We are actually! Thank you. Our marriage is stronger than ever :) years of lying to myself meant lying to my wife which put a real strain on our relationship. We both didn’t think I was going to live for more than a few years with how bad my mental health got.

Now we are strong, connected and determined to keep moving forward. ❤️

onevia, 2 months ago

I’m so glad you got to experience going to school dressed how you’d like during a “gender swap” day.

I remember feeling terrified to even consider doing that on those days. But God did I want to… Lol

Congrats on the double cracked omelette, ✌🏻

onevia, 2 months ago

100 gecs! ✌🏻💓

onevia, 2 months ago (edited 2 months ago)

I haven’t watched it yet… But I heard Nimona is really good! I believe it was written by someone who is nonbinary ❤️

onevia, 2 months ago

Watched it before my egg cracked. Completely forgot how hard I related with Nomi.

Was also seriously bummed when it got canceled because I felt like they were just getting into their stride!

onevia, 2 months ago

Fair point. I think I was attributing Nimonas ability to shape shift as an allegory to transition or a gender fluid identity.

Again, I haven’t watched it yet but I think that was part of the writers purpose of creating Nimona as a way to explore his fluidity.

So no, not directly a trans character but a good message behind it I think :)

onevia, 2 months ago (edited 2 months ago)

Well up until maybe yesterday I was heavily leaning in the binary trans woman category of my identity. Although my gender “feels” more fluid or dynamic?

I’m currently sick and have little to no motivation. Which I have deemed as my default mode as a pre cracked “man”

So today I’ve been actually really conflicted. Am I depressed because I “feel” like I am a man or am I feeling my gender shift to accommodate my sick/depressed feeling as a way to try and protect myself?

Am I even making any sense ? 😮‍💨

onevia, 2 months ago

Thanks friend ❤️ That makes a lot of sense and of course being sick can mess with hormones. I didn’t even think of that 😏

Also, yesterday was my mom’s death anniversary and the first time I grieved her loss as her daughter. So I think in general, this is a really confusing hormonally driven time for me, lol

Thanks for talking me off the ledge a bit. Have my tea with me now and plan on showering once my little one has gone to bed 🐱

onevia, 2 months ago

Any tips for people terrified of coming out at work but have basically everywhere else? 😬

onevia, 2 months ago

Back when I was pretending to be a boy, I had just hit 9th grade and moved to a new school. I was always a late bloomer in terms of my first puberty but it hit me like a freight train when it did.

All of a sudden my legs, arms, belly, nipples (weirdly) got hairy and I was terribly self conscious about it. Not that I had an obscene amount of hair, but it really felt like I did. It felt gross and uncomfortable. Never wore shorts or short sleeve shirts because of it. Even in the dead of summer.

After a few months of this curse, I decided enough was enough - stole one of my mom’s super cheap bic razors and hacked away at my entire body. Took me a few hours to get every inch. Many cuts and scraped, but I finally felt like I could be a bit more comfortable in my skin.

Felt great about my decision until everyone at school noticed and made fun of me because it was really “weird” and I didn’t have a good enough reason for why I did it other than “I felt trapped under all of the hair, I just really don’t like it”

Peer pressure took over and I eventually stopped after a few months. A decade later, my egg finally cracked.

Can you guess what the first thing I did was after realizing I am a woman?

electric razor noises

onevia, 2 months ago

You’re welcome to my remaining hair if you’re interested but act fast! I’m starting laser tomorrow ✌🏻

Love that we both ended up choosing to give ourselves heat stroke for opposite but also similar reasons, lol 😅

onevia, 2 months ago

I really feel that. Especially about never being comfortable with the type of man I would become.

This became even more difficult when I became a “father”

“Fuck, I don’t even know how to be a man and now I have to figure out how to be a dad?!”

But having my son and realizing I viewed myself internally as a mother and not father, I quickly ran down the rabbit hole that ended up being my eggwakening

onevia, 2 months ago

This would be a great list to look back on when your feeling that imposter syndrome creep in ;)

I have a similar list that I keep in my purse ❤️

onevia, 2 months ago

Yeah … back in highschool before I questioned my gender I tried identifying as bi. Because I really liked being treated as a feminine partner. And the only way I could get that was with a man (so I thought) but could never actually see my self BEING in a mlm relationship. At all. So I stopped questioning my identity and gaslit myself into thinking I was straight as well.

Wasn’t until my egg cracked that I was like “ohhhh that makes a lot more sense now”

onevia, 2 months ago

Thanks for sharing! This is really interesting and I had no idea there was such an early adoption to the Internet by trans folk.

onevia, 2 months ago

I think our two views on our emotional states changing is really interesting. I love that you’re able to find comfort and peace in feeling more emotionally stable on T. To the point it has helped more than anti-depressants for you! I hope you view that as affirming :)

Before starting HRT, T made my emotions feel more disconnected from me. Like I couldn’t quite fully “feel” them and that was distressing. Now with E, I can much more easily connect with my emotions and it has helped me feel more alive.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I find it beautiful and wholesome that something that was dysphoric for me is actually something that seems affirming for you! ❤️

onevia, 2 months ago

The biochemical dysphoria descriptions where by far my biggest incentive in pursuing HRT. Especially the dissociative and depersonalization aspect of it. It described my entire life after puberty To. The. Letter.

And 5 months in I feel this fog lifting over my eyes and the world makes more sense to me now. I actually am having moments where my sense of self and body are at least occupying the same space. It’s been a really surreal experience.

Glad to hear that you no longer feeling the effects of PMDD or the PMS rage. That honestly sounds terrible and glad you were able to find a way out of it!:)

onevia, 2 months ago

Doesn’t help that one of my biggest fears was always “I don’t want to become my mother!” Lol