No matter how well I learnt to mask, no matter how well I learnt to get on with people, if not in any deep and meaningful way, at least superficially. There has always been one skill that I have never mastered and that is simply the ability to not upset people and especially without having the slightest idea how.
Or that I didn't for a long time, anyway. It was only when I realised that I was autistic and that the way I looked at the world was in some ways substantively different from the way many allistics looked at the world, that I began to understand something. Allistics tend to find validation externally, through feedback from the group or the part of society that they identify with, whereas autistics tend to find it within themselves, in their own reason and sense of worth and value.
Now I must stress that in many respects this is a generalisation and obviously there will be a lot of variation and degree in how true this is. But in its more extreme forms, it could very well explain many of the experiences and difficulties that I've had.
Because if someone's self-worth, the value they see in their life and actions, is almost entirely based on their interactions with the dynamics of the group they identify with, or the society they live within and not from their own judgement, then this could lead to certain choices and reactions that are quite frankly alien to someone like me and that I could easily end up in conflict with and all without really trying to.
For example, if the value of a child reflects back on its parents. Then in the extreme case the values and behaviour expected from that child, are not those of the child, but of the parents in terms of the group the child is meant to be representing them in and how well it is doing that. So any sense of divergence from that or criticism of that child, no matter how slight that might be, could easily be seen as an attack on the parents and reacted to accordingly, irrespective of how reasonable or just it was.
Equally, of course, worth, praise, or rewards, can also become divorced from any sense of reality. All that matters is that you, whether that's through your children or not, are being valued, not whether there is any justice to it. Because the truth or validity of it, is not based on how you see yourself, but only on how others see you. And in the extreme case, it doesn't even matter how they came to this view, as long as they have it. So worth can become something to be manipulated and played for and how you really are and how you actually feel about yourself becomes almost irrelevant to this process.
That people could even be this way, that everything could become how you're being perceived and anything that effects that negatively can be something to be attacked, is still something that I struggle to understand. It is so foreign to my nature. But, it certainly explains so many of the times that I've upset people, because I wasn't playing this game, or seeing the world the way I should and didn't even realise it.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic
Thanks for writing this. I somehow managed to annoy people with no explanation. Like words aren't even exchanged. I don't know if I am projecting an attitude unconsciously, if I have a resting b*tch face, or I have an invisible sign that requests getting bullied. When a couple of things happen I can handle it and let it go, but not forever.
@Adventurer@actuallyautistic
There are many things that can create this. Not just stepping on the toes we didn't even realise were there. But also the fact that we aren't conforming to their expectations of how we should be acting, let alone reacting.
Group think creates expectations that we can rarely meet, even if we remotely wanted to. It also makes us vulnerable to being bullied, or exploited because of it. To the group, difference will always be the enemy, or the victim. And we are different and so can't help being and appearing different, no matter how much we might try.
Perhaps the best we can often do, is to develop a tough enough hide to withstand this. Or a big enough "fuck you" attitude, that it doesn't make us worth tackling.
@andrewhinton@actuallyautistic
Oh, yes! At its worst, the only justification is the justification of the group and what the group justifies is often what's decreed by whatever muppet they've decided is their voice. Who in turn feels validated in what they say by the group.
@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
Within the last five years or so. Doesn't stop me putting my foot in it, but at least I have an idea why now and can therefore not give a toss at my choice.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic I struggled with that a year ago and decided I could do better if I was kinder to myself and I didn’t need validation from a person as much as I did myself. I also realized I couldn’t help myself if I couldn’t learn who I was as a person owning my decisions now. I remember a saying “the relationship we have with our selves is reflective in the relationship we have with others”. With Kindness Humility
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic
Oh wait the actual wording was “the relationship we have with ourselves is the energy in which all other relationships energy flows”
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic it helped I learned about how much and what we have control of in neuroscience. “The neuroscience of you”Chantel Pratt. We can be our own worst enemy. Its still not easy but life is better at least for my partner and I
@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
I have definitely been trying to be kinder to myself and more allowing of myself to be myself. Not entirely sure that it's helping some relationships, but they tended to be the relationships that, in many ways, didn't really matter anyway.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic hey but you showed up as you, maybe it was a little mask, your the person you have to live with. That’s how I sleep at night I value it now. I know I need it. I know a couple hours in a morning is better then worrying at night like I used to about stuff. Healthy because you care about whatever experience I guess because well you’re still alive !
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic at some point you have got to realize it was ok to be however it was you were that was you and love that you that tried its best to take care of you. Forgive yourself for not knowing. It’s not your fault. You own your life . You’re a super cool person and inspirationally genuine. And a good writer. Unite the yous it makes the math easier :)
@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
Thank you. To be honest, it was always the not knowing that bothered me the most. If I upset someone and I knew why, then I knew if they deserved it, or if I owed them an apology. Not knowing always left me constantly going over and over how it had to be my fault somehow, and trying to work out how. Without knowing that there are fundamental differences between us that can lead to this, it's hard.
@pathfinder It's part of the trauma, that we have to deal with - that we didn't know why we acted and reacted as we did. That, in some cases, we can't mend fences, or reconstruct bridges. That, to some people, we will always be weird, or seem aloof. We are recently realised #ActuallyAutisticElders, and have to forgive ourselves for what we didn't know. @EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
@Tooden@pathfinder@actuallyautistic I’m thankful your around I didn’t know elders existed really . I’m kinda a noob. DIY self-learner. I know what I went through was less than ideal. I’m sorry if I was too blunt. Or inaccurate I know some suffering is natural and it’s sometimes best if we discover this truth ourselves. I’m sorry if I misspoke
@EVDHmn We're all on a learning curve. Our relationship with ourselves does frame our relationship with others. Trial and error, or work-in-progress, or rebirth.😊 @pathfinder@actuallyautistic
@Tooden@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
Indeed, and the older we are the more there is to understand and finally be able to forgive. But at least we can now and that is no small thing. :bear_hugs:
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic I didn’t mean to intrude on your reflection I just remembered a similar rabbit hole very well philosophically.
And maybe it wolnt help. I wish someone would have said something like that to me because it took awhile to discover that and it wasn’t fun.
We at have a duty to love ourselves. We can choose where to put our energies to some degree. We can finally be ourselves the best we can do I prefer the inside outside what you see is what you get.
@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
Spending so long adrift from ourselves, in terms of being able to express or even recognise our worth in many ways, leaves us vulnerable to things like this. Those of us who have come late to the party, really do sometimes have an awful lot of work to do and it's not always easy. But finally be able to be ourselves is certainly worth it 😀
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic
That’s a great description adrift, like on a choppy lake trying desperately to keep alive during the perfect storm. It feels like coming in from something like that be sure to take care of your self and stay hydrated :)
@pathfinder@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic Throughout my working life (40+years) there was generally someone who ‘got’ and worked well with me — and they were tasked with telling me (nicely) who I had pissed off, and helping me to frame whatever Words needed to be said
(I remember asking ‘Who do I need to apologize to?’ more than once)
@EVDHmn@pathfinder@actuallyautistic I dunno about that. I'm a lot harsher on myself than I'd ever be on anyone else. The idea that maybe I don't have to be harsh with myself is really something pretty new to me. I've only been trying for a few months.
@BernieDoesIt@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
It does take time to become used to such a revolutionary concept, that we can actually be kind to ourselves. Especially after a lifetime of not realising that we could be. 😀
@pathfinder@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic For example, I was pretty blunt with myself because I knew I could've possibly offend myself. It never really occurred to me that I might be hurting myself.
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