Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 193 , Wednesday 08/05/2024
Up early as Mrs S. was back in the office today.
It was a lovely sunny morning so I had a little more energy today so cleaned the vacuum cleaner filters & the fluffy roller on the front - drying it is extremely suggestive. 😆
Cleaned the coffee machine , which has been needing a deep clean for a week, so that was a good job done - dismantling the brewing unit & regreasing it is a pain in the butt , but it does make it work better !
Hit Fo4 again this afternoon , then just for a change watched Fallout the series with Mrs S. while we ate our tea.
Final Thoughts.
Another quiet day but a bit more energy & motivation which was nice. The PF in my foot seems to be fading slowly which is a plus !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
when people ask me about my music taste i find it very hard to explain that about half of it is me getting incredibly fixated on a single song or album, then listen to that on repeat from days to months before i drop it like a hot potato, unable to fathom how i ever found it even remotely appealing
the other half is, i kid you not, all the random music that was on my brother's old mp3 player he gifted me at like 13
Does anyone ever consider learning sign language not because they can't speak, but just because sometimes they don't want to? Or don't feel up to it? #ActuallyAutistic@actuallyautistic
I am constantly feeling overwhelmed. I can't believe there are people who struggle the same as I do in situations like floods and wildfires, or trying to stay alive in places like Yemen or Syria or Gaza.
Just facilitated @DomainTools Neurodivergent Employee Resource Group meeting, which we've been doing now for over a year!
Really interesting dynamic today, and in addition to checking in, we talked about caffeine & stimulation, and then folks spent a while talking about raising ND kids.
Why is it important to welcome and nurture neurodiversity in cybersecurity?
I'll leave it to those touchy-feely goofs over at RAND, whose study on neurodiversity and national security found many benefits, but beyond those a necessity due to:
“missions that are too important and too difficult to be left to those who use their brains only in typical ways.”
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 192 , Tuesday 07/05/2024
Up early as Mrs S. was back in work - she has me so well trained that I didn’t even need the alarm - Pavlovian responses kicked in.
It has been a quiet day, I have lacked both physical & mental energy. That said , bathroom has been cleaned & various minor chores dealt with.
MiL is still in hospital, still waiting for her CT.
Was good tonight & got back on the diet , the plan was soup with a bread roll, but for whatever reason the bread rolls were 3 days out of date & going mouldy , so a stricter diet that at first intended.
Final Thoughts.
There is a certain irony in the fact that upon hearing my MiL was ill in hospital my side of the family have been in more contact with me than in the whole of the year so far - but my role is simply as a provider of updates.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Much to my shock I realised that I could be autistic when I was 53, roughly 7 years ago. And it was a shock, even though I suspect a very small, well hidden and very much ignored part of me, might have suspected. No one told me about it, or suggested that it might be the case. I did not see myself in relatives, the way so many of us do. I just happened to come across an autism test online and for no particular reason, took it.
It was that, that started me on my path to realising and finally accepting the truth that I was autistic. But, looking back, I sometimes find it hard to understand how I didn't know earlier. So much of my life now, just screams autism at me. But even ignoring the horribly ableist and medieval view I had of what autism was, the main reason why I didn't was probably because I could mask, both from myself and others, so well.
It was, I realise now, a life lived in denial. A denial of how much things bothered me, how much effort I had to put into things. Even a denial of the things I knew I couldn't do. Because this is the thing about appearing to mask so well, for so long. It is, in a sense, a lie. I couldn't mask well, if at all. Not all the time. Not in all situations or circumstances. There were things I just couldn't cope with, or even begin to deal with. But the trick was, that I either knew about them, or learnt the hard way about them and then I could manage my life to avoid them. Because they were things I could live without, without affecting how I appeared to be coping. Things that didn't affect the way I lived, even if they did affect my sense of worth. Because, how broken did you have to be, not to be able to go to crowded events, like a sports match, or a concert? Or to be able to deal with the socialising of a large gathering, or a family event, without having to hide in the kitchen, or forever outside, or break down in a toilet?
It was all part of how I masked myself from myself. The internal masking, as I like to call it. If I couldn't cope, then I was broken. If I couldn't stand something, then I was too picky, or sensitive, or I simply needed to learn to ignore it. And somehow I did learn. I learnt how to cope with noise and smell and visual overwhelm. I learnt to not let things bother me. To a point at least. There was always a step too far, when I couldn't, or didn't have the energy any more to maintain it. And this did take energy, a lot of it. Something I've only realising now that I don't have the energy to spare to even try it. Or the ability to, in many respects now that I know what I was trying so desperately to hide from.
Because when the truth is known, it's far harder to deny it. It's far harder to live the life where appearing to cope, is as good as coping. Where blaming yourself, is easier than seeing others faults. Where ignoring the pain, makes the pain go away. It's hard to see the mask as a benefit and always a good thing, rather than the shield and tool it always was.
I read a post elsewhere where someone said ND people can be brilliant entrepreneurs, scientists, etc and function well in society. And if someone struggles to function means they are disordered and have a developmental disability. Said it as if its either or.
Which is very strange because I’m an entrepreneur and I don’t function well in society.
Am I supposed to be a “brilliant entrepreneur” only and not struggle to function?
And since I struggle it means I’m developmentally disabled? What?
I really shouldn't and I try not to use neuro-typical as an insult, but by damn it does mean average and I am not really impressed with people who aspire to be "average".
It seems about half of people rank the full range of humans on a strictly linear "trying to be normal"<---->"not trying hard enough to be normal" scale, and half of those would commit genocide to eliminate everybody different.
It ignores a full cloud of valid talents & motivations.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 190 , Sunday 05/05/2024
Sunday dawned bright an sunny, I checked the time - 6am , blinkin sun!
So I turned over & got another couple of hours sleep in 😆
My MiL is still in hospital, she was supposed to have a CT scan today but apparently it’s bust .. so another nights stay. Mrs S. went to see her as my EDFitis is still ongoing making traveling very uncomfortable !
Spent a quiet day playing Fo4 , nothing like killing super mutants to calm the nerves 😂
The hospital visit didn’t go very well for various reasons so I treated Mrs S. to a takeaway for her tea.
Final Thoughts.
I really have not felt very sociable today so spent very little time on Mastodon, my whole being is shrinking away from contact at the moment , I wonder if it is the stress of dealing with the whole situation with my MiL & its repercussions.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
@bookstodon@bookwyrm
If you read large print or dyslexic font paperback books do you prefer this to be indicated on the cover (say on a banner at the top) to help you identify the accommodation?
I compiled a quick poll based on different perspectives I've read.
➡️ Please consider sharing to help me reach more readers.
@bookstodon many months ago I received feedback that some readers disliked how I labeled my large-font edition of Late Identified #AuDHD workbook. So I could do better, I asked.
The majority that participated reported they wanted the accommodation labeled on their paperback in a visible way.