I'm trying to arrange a $93 loan for myself to be paid off Wednesday. It would need to be etransfer so if any Canadians can, help a home out and shoot me a dm!
I’ve realized it’s physically impossible to demonstrate how to ride a bike when the only bike available is one for 8 year olds. So anyway, he took to it quite well. Sat on it, wore the helmet with no sensory issues, even peddled forward-ish some of the time and steered. Balancing is going to be hard to teach. He’s sort of kind of got the concept of “brakes” but I wouldn’t trust him to use them. #autism
I am constantly feeling overwhelmed. I can't believe there are people who struggle the same as I do in situations like floods and wildfires, or trying to stay alive in places like Yemen or Syria or Gaza.
Much to my shock I realised that I could be autistic when I was 53, roughly 7 years ago. And it was a shock, even though I suspect a very small, well hidden and very much ignored part of me, might have suspected. No one told me about it, or suggested that it might be the case. I did not see myself in relatives, the way so many of us do. I just happened to come across an autism test online and for no particular reason, took it.
It was that, that started me on my path to realising and finally accepting the truth that I was autistic. But, looking back, I sometimes find it hard to understand how I didn't know earlier. So much of my life now, just screams autism at me. But even ignoring the horribly ableist and medieval view I had of what autism was, the main reason why I didn't was probably because I could mask, both from myself and others, so well.
It was, I realise now, a life lived in denial. A denial of how much things bothered me, how much effort I had to put into things. Even a denial of the things I knew I couldn't do. Because this is the thing about appearing to mask so well, for so long. It is, in a sense, a lie. I couldn't mask well, if at all. Not all the time. Not in all situations or circumstances. There were things I just couldn't cope with, or even begin to deal with. But the trick was, that I either knew about them, or learnt the hard way about them and then I could manage my life to avoid them. Because they were things I could live without, without affecting how I appeared to be coping. Things that didn't affect the way I lived, even if they did affect my sense of worth. Because, how broken did you have to be, not to be able to go to crowded events, like a sports match, or a concert? Or to be able to deal with the socialising of a large gathering, or a family event, without having to hide in the kitchen, or forever outside, or break down in a toilet?
It was all part of how I masked myself from myself. The internal masking, as I like to call it. If I couldn't cope, then I was broken. If I couldn't stand something, then I was too picky, or sensitive, or I simply needed to learn to ignore it. And somehow I did learn. I learnt how to cope with noise and smell and visual overwhelm. I learnt to not let things bother me. To a point at least. There was always a step too far, when I couldn't, or didn't have the energy any more to maintain it. And this did take energy, a lot of it. Something I've only realising now that I don't have the energy to spare to even try it. Or the ability to, in many respects now that I know what I was trying so desperately to hide from.
Because when the truth is known, it's far harder to deny it. It's far harder to live the life where appearing to cope, is as good as coping. Where blaming yourself, is easier than seeing others faults. Where ignoring the pain, makes the pain go away. It's hard to see the mask as a benefit and always a good thing, rather than the shield and tool it always was.
"The real understanding for me, years now in the making, is that a tree in blossom is more than the fruit it yields, more than its own fleeting beauty. It is a network, a living system of relationships."
Something very interesting I accidentally came across while investigating what neurotransmitters are involved in an orgasm (turns out to be basically all of them, but oxytocin and vasopressin are specific to sex, love and friendship):
Book review #27 for 2024 is Steve Silberman's Neurotribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity. A helpful and informative book on the unfolding journey of and...battles with/for, regarding people who interact with their world differently. I found this book to be helpful in understanding the rise of what we today call neurodiversity. ☕☕☕☕1/2 review. @stevesilberman@books@bookstodon@bookstodon#autism#neurodiversity#books#books2024 #
Demanding professional references from people with neurodivergent brains that make it difficult to maintain contact with former colleagues is ableist.
We are professionals who do good work and work great with people but please don't ask us to maintain social relationships which aren't meaningful to us beyond a reference.
I have just watched the 1st episode of A Kind of Spark thanks to @PetitPas
It’s a Irish British American Canadian series. In Canada I’m watching it on CBC Gem, in the UK it seems to be on the CBBC channel, for the others countries I don’t know.
I like it because the 3 autistic sisters are played by autistic actors, use of the words autistic, masking, meltdown. etc. Shows sensory overload, etc., ignorance and bias.
If you have an autistic loved one, please watch the show mentioned in the first toot if you can.
If you are autistic, please tell me what you think of it. I know that it won’t talk to all of us, but I’m seeing so much of myself in the series even I have learned only at 49 that I was autistic.
I know that the show is not perfect but for me it’s the first time that I’ve seen such an accurate representation of our experiences and suffering.
The way the autistic "narrow interests" part of my #AuDHD manifest itself is not in the learning department. It's in the motivational department. I have broad lexical knowledge but a narrow ability to perform, especially if sustained effort is needed.
I sound like an encyclopaedia but I need help in everyday life, which I have only started receiving a little bit of in the past year or so. It's just really hard for me to take care of myself, even if the consequences are very bad.
It's a challenge to find a viable career when you're so picky. I worked as a software developer for over a decade, but with repeated burnouts. They kept giving me projects that were too boring to stay motivated. I tried out ADHD drugs to compensate, but they made me unstable, so I had to quit those, and the industry itself.
I can pretend to function like a normal human for a few months while I'm still excited by the novelty of the situation (such as starting school or landing a new job), but once everyday life settles in, things start to get difficult due to the motivational issues.
We've been sent a huge questionnaire from our daughter's psychologist about her childhood and we are meeting with them in a few weeks time for an in depth interview.
There's some suggestion that she may be #autistic and this has played a major role in her troubles over recent years.
I'm suspending judgement because I don't know enough about the subject and Internet research on #autism in adult females isn't particularly helpful. I'm leaving this one to the professionals