stop being so damn dramatic. I doubt you try anything suggested seriously when youre so sure of your “woe-is-me” mentality - only you can do this
recognise that your emotions and your thinking is the problem here, so think about how to separate that from the physical action of eating - maybe needs mental health support
go back to bascis - babies start with foods like mashed banana, boiled pureed broccili or peas, one small spoonful and it is stopped before they decide it’s too much. Find something similar to what you do have already. Gradually reintroduce lumps into the puree