Could you help me understand myself a bit better?

Wahots, 11 months ago

Heh, gosh, you remind me of me back when I was still trying to figure out my sexuality. I would be absolutely dumbstruck by girls, so I knew I wasn't gay....at least I was pretty sure? But then I'd also experiment with guys between relationships. I didn't think of them as cute in the same way, but whenever I saw a gay couple, I'd get terribly nervous and get butterflies and wasn't sure why. I had these dreams of a white picket fence, kids, a wife....I was worried that for some reason this...part of me that was opaque to me and unsure of that wouldn't allow me to live happily. I eventually had this really rough coming out. I was trying to date girls because secretly, I was trying to keep my mind off one of my good guy friends who already liked me. I kept meeting girls who just weren't quite my type, or their personality was just kinda...not great. And he was so beautiful and shiny and loving. We had known each other for years, and he was a wonderful human being. One day he kinda asked me how I felt about him, and I was so caught off guard because in that moment, I realized I was running away from him because I was so so scared of how my life might change if I veered off that path towards the white picket fence to date him. And I panicked and broke down completely when my mom who was visiting stepped into the room minutes later.

And I got a counselor. And he figuratively gripped my cheeks and told me that my life would be the same no matter who I was dating, men, women, nonbinary, whatever. That I could make the life I wanted with anyone, and that their gender wouldn't change that, or how society saw me. That helped set me free.

I've been dating that boy for a year now and my life is so, so much better. I'm happier, I'm not stressed out about it anymore, and I can do what I want. We haven't gotten married yet, but he's interested in having kids and that white picket fence. I think things are gonna go well :)

AnarchistArtificer, 11 months ago

Hey, so I just want to give my perspective as someone who's a cis woman and bisexual.

I think that most cis people don't feel jealous of people of the other gender, or wish they had physical features associated with another gender. That might mean you're trans, but it might not. It's okay to not be sure. It's okay to "try on" a label, in a safe space and identify a certain way, and then decide "no, that doesn't fit me". We're here to be this space.

There's a lot I could say here that I'm sure someone else has said better, but something I wanted to highlight is when you said "I don’t think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be." Transness may seem to be shaped by gender dysphoria, and whilst I understand why feeling dysphoric is an important part of many trans people's experiences, I think it is too easy to slip into a trap of "oh, I guess I could live like this" and resign oneself to misery. However, there's nothing quite so beautiful as seeing a person experience gender euphoria, whether they're trans or not. I want you to lead the best life you can, and I hope you are able to be supported in finding out what that means for you.

You don't need to have any answers or labels that fit right now, or ever. Whatever your gender identity or sexuality though, you are welcome here.

sydneybrokeit, 11 months ago

Well. Damn. This helped me out, thanks.

mdwhite999, 11 months ago

You are allowed to be a guy who wants breasts and to wear feminine clothing. Pronouns, clothes, and appearance don't all need to "match"

theblueredditrefugee, 11 months ago

Yeah, you gotta just try stuff out and see how you feel about it. If you have VR you can try out having breasts without committing to anything. Hard to try out bottom surgery though lol (still can't decide on phallus preserving or traditional and I've been going between the two for literally years).

I used to think I was some flavor of nonbinary but as I moved more and more feminine I realized that I'm actually extremely feminine and really don't like any nonbinary presentations at all. Obviously it's different for everyone so you gotta try stuff out and see what you like. I hear many nonbinary people do the reverse - where they go far from their AGAB at first and decide later that there are a few aspects of the new gender that they don't like. Enbies feel free to weigh in.

WalrusDragonOnABike, 11 months ago

Given something like asktransgender does not exist here yet AFAIK, seems like a pretty good place to ask such questions. You shouldn't feel shame for wanting to be a woman, but its unfortunately easy to feel that way.

Might also be relevant reading given your mention of the "entertainment material" first:
https://medium.com/@kemenatan/its-just-a-fetish-right-91cb0a4e261

AnarchistArtificer, 11 months ago

Gender does end up feeling very linked to sexuality in complex ways. I'm cis, but my gender presentation definitely varies depending on whether I'm dating a woman or a man.

I had a partner who came out as trans while we were dating: when we got together, she identified as a straight man, but after transitioning, she identified as bi. She said that she couldn't really feel attracted to men when she was imagining herself as a man, making out with another man, but as a woman, she felt more able to explore that part of her sexuality.

WalrusDragonOnABike, 11 months ago

Relatable. Took me forever to realize I wasn't "technically heterosexual" or "technically cis" because the two interconnected in ways that masked and excused the other. Realizing I was probably ace quickly led to questioning my gender. But questioning my gender has led me back to a bit of questioning if I'm ace or what kind of ace I am...

__chelsea__, 11 months ago

Hi friend!

I see a lot of my younger self in your post, if that helps at all.

I came out in my late 30's, after living life relatively comfortably as a guy (at least by outward appearances. By the time I came out I was starting to be a bit of a wreck inside.)

There were similar feelings and thoughts to what you describe. Often looking at women and thinking "goddamn, why do they get to look so pretty and I'm stuck like this?" or wishing I could have the same kind of fashion choices available that they do. I didn't spend any time watching trans porn content, but I did a lot of reading of transformation erotica. The idea of something or someone sort of "forcing" that transformation from a guy to a girl, and them having to learn to live with it (and secretly finding out they love it) was like crack to me. After a while, it wasn't even the smutty parts I was looking for -- they were fun, but I'd often skip over them to get to the next bit of plot so I could get that vicarious thrill.

By all outward appearances, I was a happy, regular dude -- a relatively successful one at that. I was married, had a dog and a house and a good relationship with my parents and a decent job and group of friends. And I could have probably kept living that way for longer, if I had to. But it ate me up inside. Once I had the thoughts you're having now, it got worse for me; I realized that what I was dealing with might be gender-related and might be dysphoria.

I pushed it away then. I thought "I can't have that, I'd lose everything I care about, all that stuff I worked so hard for." I stuffed it down and pretended I didn't feel it and, for a time, it went away. At first those feelings went away, for months even. But eventually, they came back, and when they did, I'd struggle with them. I'd get down in the dumps for a day or two before I could push it back down and away again. Turns out that it was a repeating cycle for me, each time they'd come back more quickly, and each time the feelings would hit me harder and stronger and I'd be stuck with them for longer before I could finally dispel them. The last time it did that I was depressed for a month or more, to the point that my wife started seriously worrying and told me that she felt almost like she didn't know who I was anymore, that she couldn't recognize what I was thinking or feeling and she was scared.

A week or two later I came out to her as maybe non-binary or genderfluid. Another week or two later I started therapy. Within a month, I'd accepted that yes, I'm trans, and I need to transition if I want a shot at being happy.

Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. What I'm trying to say is don't let it get as far along as I did. You're having these thoughts and questions, they're okay to have. This isn't something to feel shameful about. Seek out a good therapist that specializes in gender identity, and talk to them about it. Maybe try new pronouns out in a small, safe group. Explore, and see what feels right for you. You'll be okay. :)

not_an_egg, 11 months ago

but I did a lot of reading of transformation erotica. The idea of something or someone sort of "forcing" that transformation from a guy to a girl, and them having to learn to live with it (and secretly finding out they love it) was like crack to me.

That actually hits for me too. I have never been one for reading books, so I do have a preference for comic form.

An no worries for any rambling, I felt my post was kind of all over while yours is well written and easy to follow.

I appreciate you sharing.

Edit: I have actually thought about something from my past. I think it may have been the first time any potential trans thoughts I might have had. (WAY before I would have ever known anything about trans people.)

I remember being kind of fascinated by a TV episode where a guy was transformed into a woman. I am pretty sure after being changed they went and did stuff with maybe their wife. Pretty sure this included bikini waxes. I so wish I could remember what show it was.

This would have been before puberty, so I don't think sexual desire would have been a major factor. So I believe it was more of a social desire? Not really sure how I should say that.

Anyway, there is another ramble for the conversation. Xp

__chelsea__, 11 months ago

No worries, I was picking up what you're saying just fine :)

Also, just because there's a sexual aspect to these thoughts doesn't necessarily mean you're a chaser or it's a fetish. A good exercise might be to ask yourself if you'd prefer to be a woman in mundane, non-sexual situations. How does it sound to be a woman doing her taxes, or a woman arguing with the phone company, or a woman commuting to work, for example.

I do want to say, just because I see some of your story in mine doesn't necessarily mean you're trans. It doesn't mean anything other than I can relate to what you've said so far. The best thing you can do is continue to reflect, and maybe seek outside help in the form of therapy to help you work through these feelings and decide what to do next. A therapist won't (shouldn't, at least) tell you if you're trans or not, but they can help you examine these thoughts and feelings and hopefully give you some clarity so you can decide what, if anything, is your next step.

As a warning, I do feel that there's a bit of a pushiness within the trans communities, and certainly it's not something I'm immune to. We see someone who sounds like our younger eggy selves, and we think "I can help them!" In our eagerness to help someone the way that we might not have had help, we could potentially end up pushing someone towards something that's not right for them. It's why I strongly recommend therapy -- a therapist should be more impartial, and help you draw your own conclusions instead of coming in with their own bias. So please, take what you read here with the understanding that in the end, you're the only person who can truly know what your identity is.

Otome-chan, 11 months ago

what you're talking about is pretty common for chasers. I've known a few who progressed towards transition after having such feelings, and some who didn't.

This is beehaw so I'll bite my tongue on commenting but.... the description you provided is remarkably common and well understood by the medical and scientific community.

My advice kinda goes against the grain but: I'd recommend maybe cutting down on the porn, explore fashion as you please, try to think about things for yourself rather than blindly believing others, and look at how these sorts of things were handled scientifically in the past vs how they're handled today.

audrbox, 11 months ago

look at how these sorts of things were handled scientifically in the past vs how they're handled today

This is a big red flag to me. The scientific industry has a frankly awful history when it comes to its understanding and treatment of queer/trans people, and looking at how "these sorts of things" were treated historically is going to result in you seeing lots of discounted homophobic/transphobic ideas that won't provide you any clarity.

OP, the feelings you describe can be really common for trans people discovering themselves and are nothing to be ashamed of. I recommend giving yourself the space to try out the things that you want, experiment with how people refer to you, etc. There's no rush or pressure to have any definite answers. Realizing these things about yourself, especially as an adult, can feel earth-shattering, so please give yourself as much grace as you can 💙

Otome-chan, 11 months ago

If you'd like to chat a bit more in depth (that might start straying from beehaw's guidelines) please join over in @transsexual. The reason I mentioned to look at the history is because ideas about this stuff in society have changed over the years, and I think it's important to get a range of views and understand where things came from, how they changed and why, etc.

Personally I found the popular modern ideas that are often shared to just be unnecessarily confusing and unhelpful. Hence why I suggested to look at a variety of views and ideas on the topic. OP seems a bit confused, so I figured it might be a good idea. It's a bit like someone asking about politics, only to be told one side's view of the situation. Surely they should see what all the views are through history and what ideas and beliefs were held and why?

bliss, 11 months ago

Just wanted to say you are brave and I believe it was a good idea to ask around.

chloyster, 11 months ago

Just wanted to chime in and say you're absolutely welcome here. This kind of questioning is normal for gender queer people. Like others have said, who you are and who you want to be can only be decided by you.

I had very similar thoughts to yours when I was first coming out to myself. What ended up being very important for me was finding safe ways to explore my gender and what felt the most right. I would do things like shave my legs, or dress up, try some makeup etc. The other really important thing I did was see a gender therapist. It was immensely helpful for me to sort through the scramble my brain was in and really self reflect and see who I was.

I'm sorry you feel scared posting this, I can relate to that 🫂 Beehaw is a safe space though. I hope you can sort through your thoughts and continue to explore your gender. While often hard, the journey I've been on has been beautiful and the best thing ive done in my life. You are always welcome here

speedyturtle, 11 months ago

I had a lot of similar thoughts and fears when I started to question. I had a couple different alt accounts, because I deleted them in shame initially. It took me sometime to get comfortable with the idea that whether I was trans or not, it didn't matter; there was nothing wrong with being trans.

I'm a trans woman, and I can only speak really to my own experiences. Society really, really wants to hammer home that we should be cishet (our gender identity aligns with our assigned sex, and we're only attracted to the opposite sex). But homosexuality, for instance, occurs outside of humans in other animals; it's just as natural as heterosexuality.

There's also many more identities that you may identify with than just binary male/female ones, so that's something to consider (maybe you feel a little of both, or like neither quite fits you). And of course, you don't have to label yourself at all.

No one can tell you whether your trans or not, it's something you have to decide for yourself. But whether you're a trans woman can also be a simple question: Do you want to be, or do you feel like, a woman? If yes to one of those, then there's a good chance :)

A question that helped me when I was questioning (there's no right answer, it's just a thinking exercise): If someone gave you a button that would make you a woman in every way (but it couldn't be reversed), and the world was adjusted to have always thought you were one, would you push the button?

I think it's important to emphasize, in case you have doubts, that you don't have to have felt this way since childhood. I, for one, only started to feel any sort of dysphoria in my teen years, and some don't experience dysphoria at all.

I'll caution you that my experiences below will not be sugarcoated, so if you aren't prepared to read some of the mildly less pleasant experiences, I suggest you stop here. This is in regards to your statement about being able to live as a dude, a sentiment I shared just as strongly when I questioned.

Like you, I once thought I could live with just being a dude to everyone, and myself as a woman at home. After I came out, I was made to feel so disgusted by myself, like I was doing something wrong, that I backed out of transitioning. It was the worst few months of my life, like a constant fire under the skin that never quite burned, but prickled with pain regardless.

I did start back on the process of transitioning, but due to financial reasons, I'm forced to live as a guy in most situations to this day. I have significantly less social dysphoria than most, but it's still gotten to me. It's still eating me alive. It hurts the most coming from parents who know, but continue to use my deadname. I even begged for them to just use a gender neutral version of my deadname and 'they' if my name or 'she' was too much for them. It hurts that I can't tell the rest of my family because they're all heavily conservative.

I was told I should learn to appreciate and live with what god gave me. I was always made to feel silly and excessive for wanting to be a woman. But I've got to tell you. Having breasts is fucking amazing! Years later, and I can tell you, I appreciate my body a whole lot more; I'm still blown away every time I'm reminded I have them, even when it's painful, lol.

I always thought I liked my facial hair. But really, it's one of the only things men actually are 'allowed' to style. But with the removal of that hair came an inexplicable feeling of relief. When I see my face, I feel so much more right. People were even pissed at me for having long hair, thinking it their right to tell me to cut it. I actually came out to my parents partly because they were insisting I had to cut my hair, and it was pissing me off.

I don't pass at all. Even if I do get the opportunity to escape my current circumstances, I'm not sure how I'll handle socially transitioning. Especially with the political climate where I live. But I can say that not doing so has taken its toll on me, and that every day it becomes harder and harder to live with. And yet, I don't regret understanding who I am. I can't tell you how much less miserable I've been since accepting myself. That's not always enough, but... Everything would have been way worse if I'd continued to deny who I was. I'll never know a reality where I can just live as myself around everyone, but even if it's just me, by myself, I'm much happier than I used to be.

gabo2007, 11 months ago

I'm so glad you made this post! I'm not an expert, but it sounds like you're interested in exploring a new or different side of your gender identity or expression.

It's important to remember that gender exists on a wide spectrum, and there's no "right" answer about what you should or shouldn't do, other than what you feel comfortable with or are interested in exploring.

If you have an urge to experiment with dresses and skirts, more power to you! You can take steps towards that by doing it in the comfort of your home or with trusted friends. It will be helpful if you can find a community supporting your journey.

Good luck!

BlueSharkEnjoyer, 11 months ago

Any thoughts maybe I should contemplate to try to get an answer for myself?

I would suggest not focusing on labels, but rather actions. Labels are tools, not boxes.

Do you want to dress differently? Try different a name or pronouns? Take HRT? How does thinking about these questions make you feel?

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/ may also be useful. I'd also suggest looking up the term "gender envy".

Suspicious_Bee, 11 months ago

+1 on reading genderdysphoria.fyi, it helped me immensely when I was still questioning my gender.

ada, 11 months ago (edited 11 months ago)

I won't go too in depth in my reply, but I will highlight to you that most people don't "endure" being their gender, and they don't worry about regretting not being themselves.

I think it's safe to say that the persona you present to the world isn't a complete reflection of who you really are.

All of that being said, I can't tell you who you are, and you probably can't do that yourself yet. But you can give yourself permission to go looking for those answers, and I think you're making a good start to that part :)

Gatsby, 11 months ago

Im not an expert and im not the best person to talk on this subject. I just stumbled on it and ill do my best.

What you sre attracted to in adult media doesnt make you trans. Its absolutly okay, weither you are male, male to female, female, or female to male, (or other). You can have attraction to any or all points of the spectrum for any point you're starting from. Its totally fine to be trans and totally fine to be wholeheartedly cisgender and attracted to trans people.

Crossdressing can be absolutly cis-fantasy, as well as trans-fantasy. I totally understand envying women in chothing choice. I hate pants in summer, a skirt would be a much more comfortable choice. But like you said, a skirt is a more feminine look. Are you fantasising about the clothing? The look? Or the femininity?

Luckilly. You can try the clothing in private. If that feels more like the true 'you,' make a note. Thats not your answer though. And theres absolutly nothing wrong with being a male who gets satisfaction from womens clothing and not going farther. This is a personal journey for you. Nobody else can walk it for you, but the right friends can walk it with you.

If you still feel like you're holding back, you need to ask what and why you feel like you're restricting yourself. If you want to try makeup, you can be a guy who wears makeup. This is where my knowledge lapses, and im sorry, but dont worry about gender stereotypes to do what makes you feel like you. If people dont like it, they didnt like the real you. If you dont tell them who you are, nobody else will. Experimenting doesnt make you trans if you decide you arent trans, but it will make you know yourself better. And wiether you decide you are. Or you arent, you will find the people who love the real you, and youll have a better idea who the real you is.

pickles, 11 months ago

Welcome friend! Thank you for sharing. There's no wrong way to be yourself. I don't identify as trans, so I can't speak to that question, but what I can do is encourage you to think about what gender expression speaks to you. You get to decide if you're a man who likes to wear skirts, a woman who likes to dress femme on bottom and masc on top, if your body feels right with a vulva or a penis, or any other combination imaginable! Listen to that small voice, follow your joy to yourself.

Witch, 11 months ago

Oh, sounds a little bit like me.

I am genderqueer/nonbinary. Specifically, my gender identity tends to fluctuate between agender and female. I am "comfortable living life as a woman", but I often look at more androgynous folk and wonder: "Could that've been me, if I made a few different life choices?"

I can't confirm what your identity is for sure. But I can say that there's at least one other big person (I'm rather overweight, which tends to affect my dysphoria because there's no hiding these curves 🤷) that experiences something similar, if you want to explore looking up nonbinary identity.