As his trans daughter struggles, a father pushes past his prejudice. ‘It was like a wake-up.’

Dusty Farr is fighting for his transgender daughter’s right to use the girls’ bathroom at her Missouri high school.

Before his transgender daughter was suspended after using the girls’ bathroom at her Missouri high school. Before the bullying and the suicide attempts. Before she dropped out.

Before all that, Dusty Farr was — in his own words — “a full-on bigot.” By which he meant that he was eager to steer clear of anyone LGBTQ+.

Now, though, after everything, he says he wouldn’t much care if his 16-year-old daughter — and he proudly calls her that — told him she was an alien. Because she is alive.

“When it was my child, it just flipped a switch,” says Farr, who is suing the Platte County School District on Kansas City’s outskirts. “And it was like a wake-up.”

Farr has found himself in an unlikely role: fighting bathroom bans that have proliferated at the state and local level in recent years. But Farr is not so unusual, says his attorney, Gillian Ruddy Wilcox of the American Civil Liberties Union of Missouri.

octopus_ink, (edited )

I’m really proud of him that when something actually impacted him directly he found something resembling empathy to turn around his years of bigotry.

It’s really heartwarming that having his daughter suffer through suspension, bullying, and suicide attempts was finally enough to do what having an open mind, not closing yourself off from facts that challenge your worldview, and basic human empathy could have done if he were capable of any of those things.

I wonder if he gives a shit even today about the people his former views harmed, or if his concern goes only as far as ensuring his daughter is OK.

Must be fun having all his friends call him a groomer now instead of him joining them in calling other parents of trans kids groomers.

“Given the way I was raised, a conservative fire and brimstone Baptist, LGBTQ is a sin, you’re going to hell. And these were things, unfortunately, that I said to my daughter,” Farr says. “I’m kind of ashamed to say that.”

They bumped heads and argued, their relationship strained. In desperation, he turned to God, poring through the Bible, questioning teachings that he once took at face value that being transgender was an abomination. He prayed on it, too, replaying her childhood in his mind, seeing feminine qualities now that he had missed.

Then it hit him. “She’s a girl.”

“I got peace from God. Like, ‘This is how your daughter was born. I don’t make mistakes as God. So she was made this way. There’s a reason for it.’”

So it was really just “God says you will burn in hell” flipped somehow to “God says you are OK because He made you like this.”

Fuck, I guess a little progress is good no matter how fucked up the reasoning is. (Edit: She should hope that God doesn’t flip flop again and tell him something different tomorrow.)

watson387,
@watson387@sopuli.xyz avatar

Religion is a mental disorder.

justhach,
@justhach@lemmy.world avatar

“Heroic man stops being a bigot when something affects him personally”.

Stunning and brave.

TheDemonBuer,
@TheDemonBuer@lemmy.world avatar

I think this whole bathroom thing is just stupid. While I don’t really care who is shitting in the stall next to me, apparently some people do, but I think there’s a pretty simple solution: replace stalls with water closets. I mean, nobody likes the stalls. No one prefers them, and the total lack of privacy they provide is why bathrooms are gendered in the first place. Replace stalls with water closets, everyone gets their privacy, bathrooms don’t have to be gendered anymore, problem solved.

cosmicrookie,
@cosmicrookie@lemmy.world avatar

Just use mixed gender bathrooms for everyone. We have them here and they seem to work mostly well.

jeena,
@jeena@jemmy.jeena.net avatar

This is how a big number of toilets is in Sweden.

ABCDE,

If it’s not toilets they’ll think of something else, like stopping transpeople (and eventually women) from teaching in schools. Iran already blocks people of certain religions doing so, so this is not unimaginable.

Son_of_dad,

I took my parents to this restaurant that has all gender bathrooms. They were weirded out till they saw it was literally a hallway with doors to private, individual bathroom stalls with a toilet and sink. It’s been drilled into them that all gender bathrooms are just a big open piss room where everyone whips out their bits in front of each other

Wahots,
@Wahots@pawb.social avatar

This. Stalls are cramped and not great anyways. I really don’t care who has been in the stall as long as it’s clean and I have privacy.

tegs_terry,

That or animal shithouse

cmbabul, (edited )

This is a logical compromise that seemingly stopped the issue at its source, I would be fine with this change personally. But i guarantee it will not shut them up, because at the end of the day it not about privacy it’s about keeping things the same because “things worked just fine before all this trans stuff started happening” and any change is therefore a loss for their side

whereisk,

Since conservatism has run out of governing ideas all they have are wedges - anything to get the workers to fight each other instead of focusing their anger on the rich.

gmtom,

But i guarantee it will not shut them up,

You are correct. This has been a thing in the UK where self contained toilets are quite common and the transphobes just make up some shit about how if they let men in use the same ones as women, then they can sneak hidden cameras in there. So they have tried to force places that have always used these toilets, for practical reasons, not even inclusively reasons, to designate seperate male and female toilets.

TokenBoomer,

Dad went to Farr, now he’s woke. /s

AllHailTheSheep,

I wish we didn’t feel the need to celebrate this. loving your child and fighting for them seems like the bare minimum. I get the bar is in the basement, but it feels similar to the pick me men who think they should be put on a pedestal for simply not sexually harassing women.

Shou,

Fr. What is up with the “Look at how good of a man I am because I’m not as big of a douche as the other men” crap? It is the male equivalent of “pick me!”

whoreticulture,

This is why Harvey Milk made everyone come out to their parents. It’s unfortunate, but the only way some people are able to experience empathy is through directly knowing someone. Being out and proud is activism … of course that doesn’t come without risk.

swallowyourmind,

Hey, @whoreticulture

Noticed your account was only a couple of weeks old, so wanted to welcome you to Lemmy!

Thanks for joining!

whoreticulture,

👋🏻

nondescripthandle,

Pulling people out of old harmful beliefs is important. Growth is important. Sure he doesn’t get a free pass for things hes said or done but after reading the whole article it seems like he is the last person you’d have to say that to. Im sure he knows. No ones immune to propaganda, that’s not an excuse but it is true.

callouscomic,

This is not a feel-good story. Stop clapping when evil stops being evil. It has now accomplished the bare minimum, and sort of for incorrect reasons.

JoMiran,
@JoMiran@lemmy.ml avatar

Rewarding good behavior by telling them they should have been good sooner or to begin with, is dumb and counterproductive. If you want change, you need to support recent converts. Help them, don’t chastise them.

If you read the article you’ll see that although he credits god for his change of heart, he also began to question a lot of things he read in the bible. Credit where credit is due. This man chose to open his eyes even as it shook the foundations of his core.

Regardless of how or why he got there, I am just glad he did.

wjrii,

The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is today.

I might agree we should be measured in our praise, but people are people and this is often what progress looks like.

I will commend him for diving into the debate in a very public way. Many people in his situation would stop after “un-hating” their own child. This hints at an actual expansion of his circle of empathy.

Omgpwnies,

The three As of apologies So many people forget the last one, but IMO it’s the most important one. Yes, you should take responsibility and apologize, but without corrective action, it’s all just words.

captainlezbian,

Yeah one of the things I’m glad about growing up catholic for is that we were taught that without penance there is no reconciliation. In fact for a long time both were treated as synonymous in the context of Catholicism.

Omgpwnies,

I was also raised catholic, and am now atheist mostly because the church itself can’t even seem to manage one of the three, let alone all of them. Even on a personal level, penance is just mouthing some prayers in an empty church, there’s no real requirement after confession to go make it right

glimse,

Thumbnail pic makes it look like she has a weird flattop/mullet haircut going on lol

It’s just a strand of hair getting swept back by the wind, though

jeena,
@jeena@jemmy.jeena.net avatar

I hate people like him, his still a big got in all other topics which his daughter is not having problems with.

JoMiran,
@JoMiran@lemmy.ml avatar

You see something you hate. I see an opening for further change. Converting lifelong bigots is a tall order. You can’t expect it to be fast or easy.

A_Random_Idiot,

Ah yes, another classic example of “its bad until it personally affected me, only then did i realize other people exist and have feelings”

Omgpwnies,

At least he went that route instead of other bigoted parents who actively drive their kids to self-harm/suicide and never learn this lesson.

A_Random_Idiot,

Still a self centered piece of shit, just cause he suddenly aligns with whats good in society doesnt change that.

Next time a self centered piece of shit wind blows, his sails will catch and blow back t owards his self centered piece of shitness again.

Omgpwnies,

Ah yes, because everybody once they reach the age of 18 have their entire personality set in stone never to change again for the rest of their lives.

Maybe we should just drop him in a volcano because he admitted that at one point he was anti-LGBTQ? What then is the point in even trying to convince others to change their ways if we’re only going to ostracize them based on their previous worldview?

Betch,
@Betch@lemmy.world avatar

I’m not crying you’re… nah I’m crying.

I really don’t care what it takes for people to finally open their eyes and minds as long as it happens. This father could’ve very easily not accepted his daughter, but he did. Not only did he accept his daughter, he admitted to himself that he was wrong his entire life. It doesn’t matter how he was in the past, we should not judge him for it. He knows what he did and who he was, he will beat himself up over it enough and doesn’t need anyone else to help him with that. We should celebrate this man.

People who have awakenings like that later in life are very valuable allies. They can speak to segments of the population that we can’t and I am very happy to have someone like him on our side.

octopus_ink,

Not only did he accept his daughter, he admitted to himself that he was wrong his entire life.

No he didn’t. He admitted he was interpreting “God’s word” wrong his entire life. What happens when his interpretation changes again?

In desperation, he turned to God, poring through the Bible, questioning teachings that he once took at face value that being transgender was an abomination. He prayed on it, too, replaying her childhood in his mind, seeing feminine qualities now that he had missed.

Then it hit him. “She’s a girl.”

“I got peace from God. Like, ‘This is how your daughter was born. I don’t make mistakes as God. So she was made this way. There’s a reason for it.’”

Betch,
@Betch@lemmy.world avatar

Edgy

octopus_ink,

I’d love to hear a different way to interpret the man’s own words if you have one.

Betch,
@Betch@lemmy.world avatar

It’s not about that. The man is religious, that’s not gonna change from one day to the next. You don’t need to be religious to be a bigot, that was just his excuse.

What happened to being tolerant of others beliefs? Religion has nothing to do with being an ignorant bigot, it’s just often used as an excuse for it.

octopus_ink, (edited )

What happened to being tolerant of others beliefs?

You are misreading why I’m focused on that. I agree with your viewpoint, except that he believed his bigoted beliefs were God’s will. He also believes his release from them was God’s will, and that he’d wrongly interpreted God’s will before.

Had he made the jump to “God is bullshit” instead of “I have misunderstood God” then I’d have a lot more trust in his change of heart. However, in this circumstance he has very clearly decided that his morals go no further than whatever God “wants” him to believe - and therefore, should he wake up tomorrow and realize God actually wanted him to be like he was before, I have no reason to imagine he’ll be anything different than that.

edited for typo

Betch,
@Betch@lemmy.world avatar

I agree that there are problems with that kind of religious thinking but what I got hung up on in your original reply was this

What happens when his interpretation changes again?

What says that the next interpretation will be negative? We can’t assume that. I know where you’re coming from and I was a bit bitchy in my reply, I’m sorry about that.

Who knows why he said those things the way he said it, but if that’s what it takes for him to accept the things that are going on around him then it’s just whatever, good for him. Who knows, maybe his next realization will be that the bible and religion aren’t “all that”.

The way I interpreted your post at first was almost like accusing someone of “futurecrime”. We don’t know what is in store for this person, all we know is that he had a change of heart about something but obviously he is not ready to let go of his religious beliefs. I guess it also made me a bit angry because it sounded like something I might’ve said a long time ago when I used to be fiercely anti-religion and I really don’t that old version of me. It wasn’t very productive.

Maybe that was a bit of projection on my part.

I wouldn’t dream of taking religion away from someone today. I don’t like it but for some people it’s all that they know and it’s how they make sense of the world. It’s a crutch but some people need it and are completely lost without it.

octopus_ink,

Oh no, I’m not anti-religion at all. Although I did have a period like that in my past, also.

Truly devout/pious folks from any religion I’ve known have been good people and a joy to be around. I think they’d be good people anyway though, and their religion just gave them a framework.

When folks use religion as their justification for behaving in ways that are clearly at odds with its most basic tenets, that’s what I find toxic, and do feel is far, far too common.

I’m probably coming in hot on the topic in general because although I’m a cishet white guy I’ve just about had it with the ridiculous bullshit from the right in this area in recent years, and it’s becoming a real hotbutton issue to me.

Betch, (edited )
@Betch@lemmy.world avatar

Truly devout/pious folks from any religion I’ve known have been good people and a joy to be around. I think they’d be good people anyway though, and their religion just gave them a framework.

They probably would be yeah. Although I have family members who definitely weren’t great before they found religion. Two uncles in particular who are great now but were not on this path before. Then I have another uncle on the other side of my family who absolutely refuses to accept that his daughter is gay and him and his wife have put that child through absolute hell. I’ve seen videos of her mother screaming at her that she was the devil and all sorts of disgusting shit that a child should never hear from anyone let alone a parent. Being trans I’ve cut contact with them completely because even if they act nice in my face, I know what they say when I’m not around.

When folks use religion as their justification for behaving in ways that are clearly at odds with its most basic tenets, that’s what I find toxic, and do feel is far, far too common.

Yeah unfortunately it is. Religion is as corrupted as politics are these days. These people seem to think they’re only following the word of god but they’re just being manipulated. I can’t help but feel bad for them even if some of them would literally want to see me dead.

I’m probably coming in hot on the topic in general because although I’m a cishet white guy I’ve just about had it with the ridiculous bullshit from the right in this area in recent years, and it’s becoming a real hotbutton issue to me.

I get it. This all needs to stop. I’m just scared that if all sides just stay angry at each other we will never be able to get past this without things getting even uglier. So when I see someone like the dad in this story, I’d rather forget everything else and appreciate the fact that they’ve improved and even give them praise. They’ve admitted to being wrong at least once so maybe now they won’t be so quick to hate things they don’t understand.

I don’t know, maybe I’m naive. All I know is that I’m really sick of all the negativity, the constant outrage and outright ragebait articles, all the pundits and the talking heads who basically just try to make the other side look dumb for views, all of it. It feels like we’re all being played, even by the people on “our side”.

frickineh,

Same. It’s unbelievably frustrating that there are so many people who don’t care until it impacts their lives, but there are also plenty of trans kids who end up closeted, homeless, or dead because their families won’t change no matter what. I’ll take this guy supporting his kid over that any day. I want people to know that changing their mind is good and welcome. Hopefully that’ll make it more likely and more kids will be safe.

Betch,
@Betch@lemmy.world avatar

I agree, it is incredibly frustrating but people learn at different paces and in different ways. Some people can only learn from hands-on learning and first-hand experiences.

cannibalkitteh,

People who have awakenings like that later in life are very valuable allies. They can speak to segments of the population that we can’t and I am very happy to have someone like him on our side.

Yep, and people that have done the work to rethink their preconceived notions are very helpful in helping others along. Speaking as a trans person, there is a lot of stupid, painful and upsetting questions that even well-intentioned people ask when they are learning about trans people.

Betch,
@Betch@lemmy.world avatar

Speaking as a trans person, there is a lot of stupid, painful and upsetting questions that even well-intentioned people ask when they are learning about trans people.

Yup 100%, I know that all too well. It can be hard to deal with, especially at first, but it’s worth doing. Much more than just assuming bad intentions and that they’re just hateful people.

Ignorance ≠ Hate

Fapper_McFapper,

Empathy only when it affects them personally.

apfelwoiSchoppen,
@apfelwoiSchoppen@lemmy.world avatar

Rooting for them. Hopefully his daughter can tell him about what that punisher hat means in day to day life.

Lemmeenym,

That corrupt people using positions of power to harm others should be brutally murdered in the streets? That’s what I got from the books. Maybe most people who use that symbol have read different books though, they do seem to have gotten a different message.

apfelwoiSchoppen,
@apfelwoiSchoppen@lemmy.world avatar

Yep, it has strayed wildly to very a libertarian icon. Punish the oppressed. For those who don’t know, it is essentially a white supremacy dogwhistle now. It sits alongside the Gasden flag and the thin blue line in lieu of the Nazi flag and or the confederacy cowards flag.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

“When it was my child, it just flipped a switch,” says Farr, who is suing the Platte County School District on Kansas City’s outskirts. “And it was like a wake-up.”

I’m really happy for his daughter to have the support of her father like this, but it disgusts me that people like him don’t understand bigotry until it happens to someone they care about. And there are so many millions like him who will never encounter it happening to anyone they care about.

anarchrist,

Yeah dude I’m usually against forced drugging but some people literally need to be tied down, fed molly, and made to watch Titanic or something to kickstart their empathy drives. Maybe Sophie’s Choice…idk I haven’t seen it because I have the opposite problem.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

They’d root for the iceberg and the Nazis. Because again, it wouldn’t be happening to anyone they care out. Of course, the biggest problem is the only person they care about is themselves. They’d have to go through a scenario like the first segment of Twilight Zone: The Movie if we would have even a hope of getting them to have any empathy.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twilight_Zone:_The_Movie#Se…

jeena,
@jeena@jemmy.jeena.net avatar

That reminds me of this poem:


<span style="color:#323232;">First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—
</span><span style="color:#323232;">     Because I was not a socialist.
</span><span style="color:#323232;">
</span><span style="color:#323232;">Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—
</span><span style="color:#323232;">     Because I was not a trade unionist.
</span><span style="color:#323232;">
</span><span style="color:#323232;">Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
</span><span style="color:#323232;">     Because I was not a Jew.
</span><span style="color:#323232;">
</span><span style="color:#323232;">Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.
</span>

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_they_came_

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

Very much so. Except he’s one of the lucky ones because he’s white, cis, probably heterosexual and male, so no one will ever need to speak out for him.

MagicShel,

It’s that privilege that obligates us to speak for others. Because even though I can’t speak from personal experience, I’m more likely to be listened to. So I do the best I can to speak for those who go unheard, imperfect as my understanding is.

Nougat,

They'd root for ... the Nazis.

This is not hyperbole. Lots of them are rooting for the Nazis right now.

anarchrist, (edited )

That movie looks hella rad. Adding to the list.

Edit: apparently this is basically a snuff film because the director got the lead and some kids killed via negligence. I’m gunna skip it, on second thought…

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

I hope you enjoy it. I always liked it, although some fans of the original show don’t.

TommySalami,

I haven’t seen it because I have the opposite problem.

I can relate to that. I’m one of those people who won’t even squash bugs, and even heavy-handed, poorly written emotional moments in movies can make me tear up because I’ll inevitably find something in there that speaks to me. Shits wild compared to my friends and family

jaemo,

Kin selection is a hell of a drug.

JoMiran,
@JoMiran@lemmy.ml avatar

A little further down the article goes into more detail about his turn around.

They bumped heads and argued, their relationship strained. In desperation, he turned to God, poring through the Bible, questioning teachings that he once took at face value that being transgender was an abomination. He prayed on it, too, replaying her childhood in his mind, seeing feminine qualities now that he had missed.

Then it hit him. “She’s a girl.”

“I got peace from God. Like, ‘This is how your daughter was born. I don’t make mistakes as God. So she was made this way. There’s a reason for it.’”

Regardless of how he got there, I am glad he did. His daughter’s words say it best.

“There was this electricity in me that was just, it felt like pure joy. Just seeing someone I thought would never support me, just being one of my biggest supporters,”

avidamoeba,
@avidamoeba@lemmy.ca avatar

So the key is to convince the person was born this way. Then acceptance follows from “God does not make mistakes.” 🧠

JoMiran,
@JoMiran@lemmy.ml avatar

I was raised Catholic and was even sent to Catholic school, which of course means that I inevitably grew up to be a hardcore atheist with a dislike of organized religion. Personally, I don’t care what mental gymnastics a raging bigot has to make in order to learn care and compassion for those different from him, as long as they stick the landing.

octopus_ink,

as long as they stick the landing.

It sounds to me like his daughter needs to hope he doesn’t interpret God’s Word a third way one morning or she’ll be right back where she started.

bobsuruncle,

They interpret their religion and their religious texts to ultimately support whatever opinion they want to be able to justify. He wanted to be able to accept and support his daughter so he found a way for his religion to let him do that.

That’s the crux of the problem. Want to subjugate a group, no problem. want genital mutilation no worries. want to discriminate against a segment of the population, cool cool; I can make my god confirm every shitty thing I have in my heart. Luckily sometimes it works the other way.

Silentiea,
@Silentiea@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

This. The worst part is that they are somehow convinced that’s not what they’re doing. That is how you get a pope who calls trans women “daughters of God” but also turns around and says “gender ideology” is “colonizing the family” or some other bs.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

I didn’t even want to get into the fact that it was far from a flipped switch like he claims, that’s a whole other issue.

TranscendentalEmpire,

It would be nice if empathy was an inherent trait, but it’s not. I think the general state of the world is testimony to that fact. Good people are not born, they are made. Sometimes the world doesn’t get the opportunity to teach you that lesson, or maybe it happens late in life, but it’s a boon to the world whenever it happens.

Likely anyone who holds empathy dear to their hearts has experienced this learned behavior, and benefited from it. To me this is melancholic, it just means that man probably never really experienced the real gift of empathy, at least not until later in life. And just based on his quotes, it does seem that he regrets that dearly.

tsonfeir,
@tsonfeir@lemm.ee avatar

Good thing god told him it was ok. 🙄

JoMiran,
@JoMiran@lemmy.ml avatar

I found that encouraging. I saw it as a man willing to fight everything he is at his core for his kid. If it had been a flip of a switch then all that would have told me is that him being a bigot was him just being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole and that he really didn’t care that much.

samus12345,
@samus12345@lemmy.world avatar

Even worse are the people who don’t care when it happens to people they care about - they care about their hatred more.

Silentiea,
@Silentiea@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

Worse still is the people who convince themselves that they are caring only to somehow justify their queerphobia

captainlezbian,

“I love you enough to force you back into the closet”

Silentiea,
@Silentiea@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

Enough to believe that you are broken rather than different in a way I’ve been told not to like.

Jimmycakes,

Yeah this isn’t heartwarming at all. I feel sorry for people like him.

BruceTwarzen,

Next he finds out that black people are humans too. Is he gonna get another standing ovation?

lennybird,
@lennybird@lemmy.world avatar

A critical lack of empathy.

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