You unappreciative fuck! You only recall what they do for grandma and grandpa, and forget how well they support puppies, the less privileged, their Feeee-Male staff, and THE CHILDREN!!!
Global Tetrahedron Buys The Onion, Named Awesomest Company On Earth By Onion Staff
The staff at The Onion, long known for publishing award-winning articles blowing open scandals from mysterious and shadowy global corporate giant Global Tetrahedron, today announced that the long-time subject of such articles as “Seven-Year-Old Enjoys Toxic Spill Evacuation”, “Song About Heroin Used To Advertise Bank”, and “Corporate-Welfare Recipients: Are They Eating Steak And Driving Cadillacs?” are now “the Awesomest Company on the Planet. Also, they just bought us.” Details of the deal are forthcoming, and details on this story will be updated as this story develops.
The Onion’s owner said on Thursday that the satirical news site has been sold to a new Chicago-based firm created by four digital media veterans who are fans of the publication.
Apparently by super-fans of The Onion who wanted to save it when they saw it was for sale. And they have some great plans for it: fund it well, bring back ONN, keep the staff, and let them do whatever they want!
Many people have commented, since they were bought out by their (now previous) ownership that they really needed to be owned by someone who both understood them, actually liked them, and could fund them, even through periods when they might not always be “extremely profitable”. Their (now past) ownership wasn’t the type to be so patient with periods of unprofitably or the controversy that the publication might expectedly generate.
What is up with The Root anyway? I get linked articles from them on occasion about some major civil rights issue and they seem well-written and thoughtful and then I go to their page to see what else they’re writing about and it’s all shit like ‘Here’s 10 things to know about yesterday when Cardi B called Lizzo a bitch.’
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