I was supposed to go do woodland volunteering this morning. I'd said I was going to go. I should go. It is unequivocally A Good Thing. I love the woods and I should want to help. I am clearly not a good person if I choose not to help the woods when I'm capable of doing so.
But I woke up about 4am in a panic, absolutely terrified of having to go and do the volunteering. Panicking about having to mask and Be A Normal Human around other volunteers. Panicking about all the mud (I am a very clumsy and ill-coordinated person and I find the effort to keep myself steady on uneven ground can get overwhelming). Panicking about having to saw through things which I'm so bad at because I'm clumsy and ill-coordinated and can't cut in a straight line. Panicking about having to work with other people whilst I try to saw. Panicking about other people trying to help whilst I take forever trying to cut something properly.
So I cried off. And I don't know if I can ever go again because these problems aren't going to go away. And if I was a good person then right now I'd be getting my stuff together, getting ready to leave and to help the woods that I love.
But I'm an absolute failure who can't even do a simple thing like cutting back plants before the spring, when it needs doing for the benefit of the community's woods. I hate myself. I don't want to be this person at all.
In my experience the people who know their own limits are also those who respect the limits of others. In the long run, a group thrives when it has such people in it, and does better things than if it has people constantly pushing everyone to burn themselves out in the short term.
@snaptophobic Sorry, no, not that kind of masking. Autistic masking, should've explained, sorry. A thing autistic people have to do to appear normal so we don't get ill-treated by society.
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