I think the HVAC maintenance guy just destroyed my relationship

Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.

So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out “maintenance” very faintly from the other side of the door.

I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf’s way in a “is this guy for real?” look.

Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was “glad I was there”.

I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn’t aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.

Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn’t handle that correctly. She said her dad would’ve been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must’ve been asking her to protect me.

Despite us discussing a proposal now that we’re 2 years in, she let me know she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.

I’m honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?

It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake–that I honestly think I handled fine–and she’s putting our plans on ice.

She’s been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it’s a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she’ll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.

What do y’all think? How big of a mess am I in?

sabreW4K3,

https://lemmy.tf/pictrs/image/f7954037-72fe-411c-9003-5e70cd2da02f.mp4

Sounds like she’s just finding excuses and this will only escalate. Today she’s trying to emasculate you, tomorrow…? Find someone that loves you for you.

GrammatonCleric,
@GrammatonCleric@lemmy.world avatar

Cut your losses and find someone who doesn’t do that.

Habahnow,

I don’t think this is the best solution. Sure, maybe down the road OP may need to cut their losses and break up with their SO, but I think trying to resolve the problem is a better route. From there, OP will see if this is an issue that can be resolved, whether OP wants to attempt to resolve it, or whether that wouldn’t be the case.

GrammatonCleric,
@GrammatonCleric@lemmy.world avatar

Better to not waste invested time and emotion on someone that will eventually render it all pointless. I have enough experience in relationships to speak on this with confidence.

Blu,

Yeah, I am starting to wonder if that’s the right call. We’ve had a great relationship for the most part, but while I forgive and move on from her minor mistakes–with the understanding that people fuck up sometimes and a sincere apology and effort to fix it going forward is sufficient–she’s far less inclined to do that.

It has gradually resulted in an imbalanced relationship, where she does stuff like this and I don’t. I’ve supported her through some tough stuff, yah know? And I feel like all that sacrifice got discarded because of a 10 second run in with some HVAC guy.

GrammatonCleric,
@GrammatonCleric@lemmy.world avatar

It’s a sneak peek of worse behavior down the line. It’s your choice whether you want to indulge in your own personal hell later on.

TheColonel,

Props to the people saying things about not understanding the complexity here, but I will say you’ve given quite a few examples of her general demeanor and attitude towards things.

Growing up in a tough environment, being in fight mode, etc.

It sounds like you’re sort of tanking losses on that you’re supporting her but she’s not responding in kind.

The thing you have to ask yourself m is the following: Is this a one-off? Is this going through a rough patch? OR is this a trend?

If it’s a trend, your answer is pretty clear.

Wish you the best, with or without her.

Just_Pizza_Crust,

Take everything people here say with a grain of salt. We don’t know your relationships history, nor are we going to be able to get the full truth from both of your perspectives.

That said, it sounds like there is definitely more going on in your relationship than just that event and her cycle. Yeah, maybe it would have been best for you to get out of bed and go check things out, but I’d say it’s more likely that you didn’t see how she was feeling from that experience which is the real problem. You might be experiencing a communication breakdown.

Don’t give up hope if you just recently started having these thoughts about ending the relationship. Even good relationships have low points. Keep the communication flowing. Keep friends around so the conversation can be light-hearted at times. Forgive everything that’s forgivable. Maybe talk with a therapist or counselor (it’s gotten cheaper). Find a way to take the edge off that’s not harmful because you’re probably really stressed.

There’s no magic bullet to fixing this situation. It’s gonna take some effort to work things out. Best of luck

Edit: you should also talk to the landlord about maintenance being in your house while you’re sleeping. That really shouldn’t happen.

RaoulDook,

deleted_by_moderator

    •
    PlasterAnalyst,

    Throw a pool in the mattress for good measure.

    Blu,

    I understand that. It’s hard to capture the depth of relationships on some forum. I’ll just say that we’ve both been through some difficult things, but we’ve supported each other. The past year or so, though, she’s been going through a lot more (relatives dying, dad now in prison, etc.) , and I’ve stepped up to the best of my ability.

    Though she wants me to communicate more about how I’m doing, and she actually likes it when I do so, I just don’t have the time or emotional energy to do that and still be present for her. It’s a definite lose-lose. Because I know she’s not really in a good state to have me be vulnerable on the way she likes, but by not being vulnerable, she feels like I don’t trust her.

    I try to approach this (and all my relationships) with a strong understanding that people aren’t perfect. We fuck up, make mistakes, and have to learn from them. Sometimes she doesn’t have that same grace. She holds waayyy more grudges than I do. I essentially do a monthly ritual of forgiving her for lashing out a bit when her cycle is on or her psychiatrist doesn’t give her a refill for her anxiety meds on time. But my mistakes are usually harder for her to move past. She does eventually, but nowhere near as often.

    I am looking for a therapist for myself right now, actually. I think at least ironing out how I’m feeling before I approach what happened with her is important.

    Just_Pizza_Crust,

    Oof. I’d be going completely insane in her situation most likely. I can see the comparison she made to her dad as coming from wanting him back badly, though maybe it’s coming out in a more subconscious way that she’s not realizing directly.

    I don’t want to be an asshole to you, but some of the ways you seem to think about her I think are potentially harmful to both of you. “waayyy more grudges” really isn’t the most loving way you can be thinking about her expressions and attitudes, though I get you’re probably being a bit hyperbolic about it. So again, a bit of destressing might help clear your head about things.

    I would definitely suggest you stick to the idea of talking things out with a therapist or similar before you have any real talks about this with her. The way you said some of those things can be taken as a deeply personal attack to someone who’s suffering emotionally.

    Anticorp,

    Ultimately it sounds like you need to decide if you’re willing to carry her burdens, since it sounds like she’s not capable of carrying them herself. Most people online would tell you to run, but that isn’t always the best course of action.

    Do you love her enough to continue carrying at least part of her baggage while she works through her issues? Can you see a life without her? Is that life that you see happier, or emptier?

    It’s okay to stay with messed up people if you guys make each other happy. Most of us are messed up in one way or another. But you have the right to set boundaries and not let certain lines be crossed. When they’re crossed you can remove yourself from the situation, either temporarily, or permanently.

    It sounds like she’s working through her damage. Help her feel safe, and maybe some healing will occur. That doesn’t mean rush out and buy a shotgun. You probably shouldn’t have any weapons in that house. But just let her know through actions and words that you take her safety seriously. Get some WiFi cameras. Get a door alarm. Put wooden rods in the sliding glass door and window gaps. That kind of stuff could go a long way.

    Stay away from her when she’s in crazy mode. That’s advice for a lot of relationships. Just give her time and space to be crazy, and when she calms down, tell her how that makes you feel, and how it’s not okay. I’m not a psychologist, but there are some of my thoughts on the matter.

    Good luck to you guys.

    someguy3,

    I’m a little baffled that after hearing “maintenance” that she expects you to be in fight mode. Granted it could be a ruse, but really?

    So I have to ask, is she always in this mode that everything everywhere is a threat and danger? If so I think she needs therapy.

    Blu,

    She grew up in a dangerous environment. In a lot of ways, she’s always in fight or flight mode. Usually fight.

    It’s something she is getting treated for. She’s on an anxiety med and visits a therapist once a month, but between that and a very stressful job, she’s worn down.

    It’s a really complex situation all around and I don’t know of a straightforward way to deal with it.

    Landmammals,

    Approaching every situation in “fight mode” is often what turns mundane interactions dangerous.

    She needs to realize the value of being able to keep a level head and assess situations.

    Chriswild,

    Or she needs a dog to feel safe not this toxic masculinity shit. Men aren’t your eternal protector, they’re people who can be scared or confused.

    Anticorp,

    Dogs get scared too…

    Chriswild,

    They do but you can cuddle them and it’ll make you feel better usually.

    someguy3,

    Well there you go. People online are quick to say breakup but I’m not. I think this is a learning experience for her, and for you a bit on her mindset. She needs to get her fears under some control. But it can be hardwired so sometimes we have to play along and stand between her and strangers so she feels safe (but still unpack it later).

    Deceptichum,
    Deceptichum avatar

    That’s not the issue.

    The issue is she blamed her partner for not doing anything wrong. And held up the wedding above his head like a threat. Has she even apologised yet?

    someguy3,

    Yes she needs to unpack this in therapy. Her thoughts after aren’t in line, but the root of this whole thing is the/her reaction to the door.

    shasta, (edited )

    That is the right move for her. But that does not necessarily help him. Change can take a long time, especially if the traumatized person does not want to change or is not honest with their therapist. In her case, change would mean letting down her defenses and not attacking everyone in sight when she gets triggered (which very often is going to be her partner and that’s not fair to him). Letting down her guard is going to be very difficult/impossible because it’s the only thing keeping her anxiety at bay. It will be a long process to see real change. He’s already reconsidering the relationship 2 years in, and this therapy will likely take much longer than that to see real progress. If he’s not up for dealing with her episodes in the meantime, he should be moving on with his life.

    Pandantic,

    I would say did you have a leveled and rational conversation about this incident? I think her understanding your perspective, your upbringing vs hers, and her self-identifyed baggage, you could come out of this stronger and with a deeper understanding of each other. Re: those who say “holding the engagement over his head” - isn’t it perfectly reasonable to express hesitation in a relationship when you are unsure of its future? Seems to me she doesn’t know if she can get over this thing. She is re-evaluating. Now a good discussion could put that to rest, but it could also lead to the opposite, so truth or compromise?

    mosiacmango,

    “Dont propose this year, but I may change my mind” is pure “have cake and want to eat cake.”

    That’s a weapon right there. It’s a statement that says “because of your actions, you have put your place in our relationship in jeopardy. You can now earn your place back if you please me.” You make statements like that to end a relationship, or to control someone, as those are the only two places you can go from there. That is not a somewhere OP wants to be.

    The only, only case the above would be anything but emotional blackmail is if she said the first bit, realized it was a relationship ender, then was chagrined and immediately tried to walk it back. That doesnt seem like the case based on OPs wording, but maybe he can clarifying.

    gibmiser,

    If she is getting treatment for it maybe see if they will let you sit in on a session to discuss what happened. I’m sure that isn’t your idea of a good time, but a (hopefully) neutral 3rd party can help you diffuse emotions and try to be objective.

    EldritchFeminity,

    Having read the rest of the comments, the way she grew up sticks out to me. I obviously don’t know the details, nor should I know them, but you said she grew up in a dangerous environment, and she compared your response to her father. The question I have is, “Would being like her father be a good thing?”

    I don’t have any context, and maybe her dad was a pillar of safety and stability in her life, but my first thought was what if he had been part of the problem, and either way, I think that’s something that’s worth looking into for both you and her. Is she unconsciously seeking the bad parts of her past, or does she equate that kind of aggression with a sense of safety? Or maybe none of the above. Regardless of the answer, I think getting to the bottom of that response could help you both move forward, in whatever direction that ends up being.

    surewhynotlem,

    It sounds like the real issue is that you’re reconsidering if managing her current mental illness is still worth it. It’s a valid question. You do need to make sure you’re in a relationship that is good for both of you. But if you know she has this issue, and know that’s the cause of her problems, you should be able to talk through it.

    NegativeLookBehind,
    NegativeLookBehind avatar

    “Dominos!”

    Loads 12 gauge

    Anticorp,

    Wrong house, motherfucker! Oh wait, my boyfriend ordered pizza. Right house. My bad!

    Seraph, (edited )
    Seraph avatar

    We don't know your relationship and you have to decide what is a red flag or not at the end of the day.

    But don't ignore what you're worried might be a red flag.

    From another perspective that maintenance guy might have saved you a painful marriage.

    ivanafterall,
    ivanafterall avatar

    Speaking purely in generalities (that may not apply), I have dated/married women who were like this. Potential "fun" situations may or may not include: her initiating fights with/between other guys so that you'll defend her (or to get things from them), her looking down on you/treating you differently when you share any weakness/doubt with her, etc. There are, in fact, women who believe a man should never cry. Just as men can internalize toxic shit and become awful to live with, plenty of women do the same.

    You don't want to be with someone for whom you feel you need to wear a mask 100% of the time. It's exhausting. Furthermore, it'd be one thing if this were just a "concern" that she discussed with you, but if this truly took her from zero-to-existential relationship crisis, ask yourself what that will be like in two more years when the excitement has really and truly worn off.

    Semi-Hemi-Demigod,
    Semi-Hemi-Demigod avatar

    She sounds a lot like my ex, as do a lot of your examples. Picking fights, trying to make me jealous, straight up gaslighting me - she did all of it. And every time we fought it was my fault and I had to earn my way back.

    I spent 20 years of my life with her, and to this day I still have issues because of it. Luckily I have a girlfriend who is the complete opposite. Our relationship is easy. We can bring up issues we have and discuss them rationally and from a position of love.

    Relationships are absolutely work, but they should be a work of love, not of obligation.

    Death_Equity,

    Tell her that the incident with the maintenance guy has made you consider her safety in a new way. Go on to say that because of that you will be buying a gun. Go over your new procedure for unexpected visitors which includes her designated hiding spot inside of a 1/2" AR500 box and establishing a defensive position which covers all angles of attack. You will be conducting perimeter sweeps every 15 minutes while she sleeps and every 30 minutes when she is awake. You will start working out every day until you can bench 300 pounds and crush a coconut in any joint.

    Or maybe talk to her about what happened and explain your concerns in regards to what she said and have a calm adult conversation where you both can come to an understanding of each other’s perspective and expectations which you can then determine what improvements to the relationship can be made.

    popcap200,

    Have you considered couples counseling?

    magnetosphere,
    magnetosphere avatar

    After only being together for two years? When they’re not even engaged?

    Some relationships are worth fighting for. This doesn’t sound like one of those.

    snooggums,
    snooggums avatar

    If you can afford it easily, it might just clear up some miscommunication or misconceptions before getting engaged.

    popcap200,

    Sure! Why not? My girlfriend and I do it when we have communication issues. We have insurance, and can easily afford the copays.

    magnetosphere,
    magnetosphere avatar

    If it works for you two, great! I’m not against the idea in general. It just doesn’t seem worthwhile in OPs case.

    Phil_in_here,

    How is engagement status relevant? And how is a 2 year relationship not worth making an effort to keep?

    Would a 6 month relationship where the couple is married be worth counselling?

    I’m curious to know if you have a formula. Is marriage like a 3x relationship multiplier?

    magnetosphere,
    magnetosphere avatar

    She’s holding the prospect of engagement over his head. I don’t have a “formula”; but from the way op described things, counseling wouldn’t be worth the effort.

    Sunforged,

    Currently reading Attached: The Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine MD & Rachel S.F. Healer MA. I would highly recommend buying the book and both of you reading it. Not because of your post I just think everyone can benefit and become more competent partners through the fundamentals laid out in the book.

    Your partner sounds like she is displaying deactivating strategies that avoidant attachment styles use to keep relationships from becoming uncomfortably intimate (for them). This could be a recurring issue that manifests in different deactivating strategies throughout your relationship, which is why it might be a good idea for you to read the book together. I’m an avoidant attachment myself, and I have a completely different view of my interactions with my wife now, much less of me viewing her behaviors as positive or negative but more so just empathizing with why she is behaving one way or another.

    Lastly forgiveness is just part of being in a long term relationship. You asked if if you should forgive her in the first place, are you expecting to have a relationship with an ideal someone you won’t have to forgive?

    Blu,

    Thanks for the advice. I just got off work so I’m only now able to read these. I’m going to check this book out. It sounds like, if nothing else, it’ll give me another perspective on what’s going on.

    I expect forgiveness to be part of my relationships, I just don’t know if I can forgive this. I think my ability to forgive has limits, and this incident is severe enough, in my mind, to test those limits. Forgiveness increasingly feels like a one way street for her and I. I forgive her, but she’s selective with what she’ll forgive and move past. It wasn’t always this way. It’s changed in the past 3-4 months, though.

    Sunforged,

    It absolutely has to be a two way street. You should have limits and you should be clear with her what they are. Whatever happens I hope the best for the both of you!

    chaosppe,
    @chaosppe@lemmy.world avatar

    Unfortuently theres so much nuance to a relationship, this small snippit couldn’t possibly give anyone a clear view.

    So far I have: Sounds like her mood swings are awful and it puts you in a really uncomfortable situation. And I would be unhappy with her for that specific situation…

    But I have zero idea about the rest of your relationship nor would it be easy for you to tell me. 🤔

    I’m used to mood swings in my relationship too, but not that extreme. I say as long as you feel like can still trust her you’re alright.

    Stanley_Pain,
    @Stanley_Pain@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

    Instead of talking to random idiots on the Internet have a real adult conversation with her. If she can’t even do that then that would be a problem.

    Blackout,
    Blackout avatar

    Yeah, communication is the only way to get the answer to your question. Maybe she wants to get help about it but is too insecure to talk to you about it. You obviously care about her so don't ignore it but don't jump to conclusions either.

    TheBananaKing,

    Reading this thread variously - honestly, your relationship sounds exhausting.

    It’s taking more from you than it’s giving back. Regular blowups followed by patch-ups that leave you back where you started, with nothing but fallout and pain to show for it.

    She fucks up, but is simultaneously too fragile and yet too able to hold you hostage to be held accountable; somehow you’re the one that has to earn your way back into her good graces, and you dare not upset the apple art by trying to change the dynamic or, god forbid, assert some boundaries along the way.

    Rinse and repeat until it leaches the calcium right out of your damn bones.

    Look, I get it. Anxiety disorders are no fun, mental illness isn’t the fault of the person who has it, and I have no doubt that she’s a wonderful person overall.

    But you’re not getting paid for this. You’re not her carer, you’re not her parent, it’s not your job to clean up after her your whole life.

    Would you take on that role for someone with stabyouintheface-itis, a condition that caused an otherwise lovely person to stab you in the face every month or two, entirely outside of their control or intent?

    Hard pass, am I right? Not their fault, but not your job, so no. The impact of this one is lesser, but the principle is the same.

    And yes, people can change and adapt and do better. Supposedly, at least - I haven’t seen it myself.

    In the meantime, you deserve better things in your life than just pissing it away down someone else’s crazyhole.

    Be by yourself, or be with someone who doesn’t take all your emotional resources just to break even. If your gf eventually manages to turn it around and get in better control of it, such that you can both benefit from the relationship, then great.

    But until then, it’s just wearing you down and not filling her up. With the best will in the world towards her, you should go elsewhere.

    arquebus_x,

    Fuck.

    Nefara,

    Oof. 20-something year old me needed to read this comment .

    WhiteHawk,

    Thanks for typing this out. I was dating a girl exactly like that a while ago, and was absolutely ready to start a relationship with her. Luckily she got cold feet and ended it. I am only now realizing just how bad an idea it would have been to keep going with her and how many red flags I ignored to get to that point.

    Blu,

    I thought you were really insightful and I just wanted to give you an update because, if I was lost before, I’m really fucking lost now.

    Last night she attempted suicide. I am reading these from my couch while we sort out what the fuck to do.

    She went to the bedroom while I was reading on the couch around 8:30 after she took a shower. Within 5-10 minutes she called my name. I came in and she had a bottle.of her pills in one hand, and enough of them to kill a horse in the other.

    She was shaking, but pretty numb when I gently took the bottle and pills out of her hands and held her. It took probably another 15-20 minutes for her to say anything else. Then she started sobbing.

    This is the first time I’ve witnessed a suicide attempt, so I’m shaken up.

    Anyway, thank you for the advice. It was thought provoking and I’m going to pick my way through it while I cope.

    TheBananaKing,

    Damn. That’s rough, man. I hope both of you are going to be OK.

    Technoguyfication,

    Brother, I’m sorry to say but I think you need to get out of that situation. Right now. I’ve been in a relationship like that and it never ends well.

    Track_Shovel,

    Fly, you fool

    highenergyphysics,

    Look, king. You are not responsible for her mental illnesses the same way nobody else is responsible for any of ours.

    That being said, yes you really should be ready to shoot something trying to enter your house without your consent. That is not an idea incompatible with de-escalation.

    Anticorp,

    Yes. You should have shot him, and then spread his blood across your face as a sign of dominance, and then taken your girlfriend in a passionate display of power.

    Come on. Really? Tell her to chill the fuck out. You would have fought if fighting was required, but it obviously wasn’t. If she continues making an issue of it then ask her to seek counseling or something. Or I guess just assure her that you’ll keep her and your home safe from all real threats. Get a baseball bat and a can of bear spray and let her know it’s to protect her. I’m not very good at this. Maybe take some of the other advice here.

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