I think the HVAC maintenance guy just destroyed my relationship

Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.

So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out “maintenance” very faintly from the other side of the door.

I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf’s way in a “is this guy for real?” look.

Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was “glad I was there”.

I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn’t aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.

Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn’t handle that correctly. She said her dad would’ve been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must’ve been asking her to protect me.

Despite us discussing a proposal now that we’re 2 years in, she let me know she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.

I’m honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?

It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake–that I honestly think I handled fine–and she’s putting our plans on ice.

She’s been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it’s a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she’ll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.

What do y’all think? How big of a mess am I in?

TheBananaKing,

Reading this thread variously - honestly, your relationship sounds exhausting.

It’s taking more from you than it’s giving back. Regular blowups followed by patch-ups that leave you back where you started, with nothing but fallout and pain to show for it.

She fucks up, but is simultaneously too fragile and yet too able to hold you hostage to be held accountable; somehow you’re the one that has to earn your way back into her good graces, and you dare not upset the apple art by trying to change the dynamic or, god forbid, assert some boundaries along the way.

Rinse and repeat until it leaches the calcium right out of your damn bones.

Look, I get it. Anxiety disorders are no fun, mental illness isn’t the fault of the person who has it, and I have no doubt that she’s a wonderful person overall.

But you’re not getting paid for this. You’re not her carer, you’re not her parent, it’s not your job to clean up after her your whole life.

Would you take on that role for someone with stabyouintheface-itis, a condition that caused an otherwise lovely person to stab you in the face every month or two, entirely outside of their control or intent?

Hard pass, am I right? Not their fault, but not your job, so no. The impact of this one is lesser, but the principle is the same.

And yes, people can change and adapt and do better. Supposedly, at least - I haven’t seen it myself.

In the meantime, you deserve better things in your life than just pissing it away down someone else’s crazyhole.

Be by yourself, or be with someone who doesn’t take all your emotional resources just to break even. If your gf eventually manages to turn it around and get in better control of it, such that you can both benefit from the relationship, then great.

But until then, it’s just wearing you down and not filling her up. With the best will in the world towards her, you should go elsewhere.

arquebus_x,

Fuck.

Nefara,

Oof. 20-something year old me needed to read this comment .

Blu,

I thought you were really insightful and I just wanted to give you an update because, if I was lost before, I’m really fucking lost now.

Last night she attempted suicide. I am reading these from my couch while we sort out what the fuck to do.

She went to the bedroom while I was reading on the couch around 8:30 after she took a shower. Within 5-10 minutes she called my name. I came in and she had a bottle.of her pills in one hand, and enough of them to kill a horse in the other.

She was shaking, but pretty numb when I gently took the bottle and pills out of her hands and held her. It took probably another 15-20 minutes for her to say anything else. Then she started sobbing.

This is the first time I’ve witnessed a suicide attempt, so I’m shaken up.

Anyway, thank you for the advice. It was thought provoking and I’m going to pick my way through it while I cope.

TheBananaKing,

Damn. That’s rough, man. I hope both of you are going to be OK.

Technoguyfication,

Brother, I’m sorry to say but I think you need to get out of that situation. Right now. I’ve been in a relationship like that and it never ends well.

WhiteHawk,

Thanks for typing this out. I was dating a girl exactly like that a while ago, and was absolutely ready to start a relationship with her. Luckily she got cold feet and ended it. I am only now realizing just how bad an idea it would have been to keep going with her and how many red flags I ignored to get to that point.

ivanafterall,
ivanafterall avatar

Speaking purely in generalities (that may not apply), I have dated/married women who were like this. Potential "fun" situations may or may not include: her initiating fights with/between other guys so that you'll defend her (or to get things from them), her looking down on you/treating you differently when you share any weakness/doubt with her, etc. There are, in fact, women who believe a man should never cry. Just as men can internalize toxic shit and become awful to live with, plenty of women do the same.

You don't want to be with someone for whom you feel you need to wear a mask 100% of the time. It's exhausting. Furthermore, it'd be one thing if this were just a "concern" that she discussed with you, but if this truly took her from zero-to-existential relationship crisis, ask yourself what that will be like in two more years when the excitement has really and truly worn off.

Semi-Hemi-Demigod,
Semi-Hemi-Demigod avatar

She sounds a lot like my ex, as do a lot of your examples. Picking fights, trying to make me jealous, straight up gaslighting me - she did all of it. And every time we fought it was my fault and I had to earn my way back.

I spent 20 years of my life with her, and to this day I still have issues because of it. Luckily I have a girlfriend who is the complete opposite. Our relationship is easy. We can bring up issues we have and discuss them rationally and from a position of love.

Relationships are absolutely work, but they should be a work of love, not of obligation.

drippypickle,

Two things. One, she needs help I agree. Two, this sounds really manipulative and suspect. Proceed with caution. I’m not sure sticking this one out is a good call.

Quereller,

What a sexist, despicable attitude. She is as responsible for security and defense as you are.

inclementimmigrant,

I think it’s still worth trying to see if she really feels like she wanted you to be more concerned for her safety and maybe yelled at the guy or did she really want you to go full murder hobo on an innocent human.

However, the extreme mood shift and being abusive to you and her doing fuck all to break that cycle where she’s not being a dick to you every damn month, well I think that really needs to be addressed and you need to decide if you’re actually going to be okay with being treated badly every month for t he rest of your life.

The other elephant in the room is that do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who’s feelings will turn on you the minute things get a little tough? I mean you not wanting to murder someone leads to her falling out of love with you that fast? Really man, take a good long look at your two years together, maybe hash it out with a friend and get a outside look at things to get a full picture of if this is really what you want for the rest of your life.

Asafum,

I’ve been single for almost a decade now and it’s partially because I don’t deal with this kind of bullshit.

Love and respect go hand in hand, you don’t respect me then you don’t love me you’re just using words you think you should say. While words are cheap, actions speak volumes.

I’m by no means whatsoever the most desirable guy, but I’ll never be with a person I don’t love or who doesn’t love me. A lack of respect is a major lack of consideration to me and a major turn off.

Blu,

There’s a lot to unpack now–more than even last night. But, yeah, she’s acutely aware of the cycle she’s putting me in, and she’s desperate to not make it a habit.

She tried to kill herself last night. And, it has me wondering if she’s been hard on me lately as some way to keep me away, emotionally. I don’t know if it was planned and she backed out, or if it was spur of the moment.

She told me she’s felt like potentially attempting for the past couple months, which tracks with how her behavior has changed. I said yesterday, I felt like the past 3-4 have been different–a lot harder on me than before.

I’m processing it now. She chose to go to work since she has no vacation time. I tried to persuade her not to, but at the same time, I don’t know what is or isn’t appropriate to do here.

Sagifurius,

She didn’t try kill herself. She poured a handful of pills and called you to see. It’s manipulation.

inclementimmigrant,

Yeah man, this is beyond Lemmy and random guys on the internets pay grade. From your update, only you would now how serious this is and either way or goes, and definitely needs professional help.

Just remember that you can’t and shouldn’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm. I have a wife that suffers from depression and I can tell you that for me providing that support for her to get better was a challenge and without having other people being her support I would have really burnt out as well as that beginning of burn out made my less than desirable traits magnify.

All I can say is try and get her help, of her parents aren’t complete shit get her to expand her support network. Definitely postpone the engagement and continuously evaluate of she’s taking addressing her issues AND your relationships issues like instantly falling out of love seriously and take note that you cannot help those who won’t help themselves.

Sorry to hear you going through all of this man, good luck and take care of yourself.

Blu,

Thanks. I realize this is something only a professional can help with now. It’s up to her if she follows through. As far as support goes, I am going to encourage her to reach out to other trusted friends and family members, and to cut out people who have been causing her so much grief.

Strawberry,

Fuck that patriarchal bullshit, dump her

riodoro1,

she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.

Wow, she’s so generous, she might still LET you propose to her. Life and relationship is never about one person fulfilling a role for another. She basically wants you to be a knight to her princess. You can’t ever have needs or fears of your own, because she simply is higher up in this relationship. You need to EARN her love.

You don’t want to deal with an entitled person everyday, thats called retail work and people don’t like it.

pjwestin, (edited )

Yeah, there are a lot of red flags here. As you mentioned, she’s willing to throw away a two-year relationship with someone she was considering marrying because of a look. On top of that, she seems to measure your masculinity by how quickly you become aggressive, which is a huge problem (unless you want to spend the rest of your life fighting every guy that looks at her). Also, the way she’s framing delaying the proposal sounds like it’s meant to hurt you (though I wasn’t there, so you’d know better than me).

It’s your relationship, so I’m not gonna tell you what to do, but you’re not crazy, her reaction was not normal. You’ve also put two years into this relationship, so I wouldn’t be too quick to throw that away either, but if you don’t like how you’re being treated you shouldn’t disregard that. If I were you I would sit down, think about what you want and what you won’t put up with, and then talk to her.

Thorny_Insight,

I think her recommendation to not propose yet is a solid one. I’m not the one to shout red flag and leave her as I know nothing about you two’s backgrounds but that certainly is a little sus on her part.

Blu,

Yeah, in hindsight I think she might have been speaking in the sense that for my sake I shouldn’t propose right now.

Thorny_Insight,

Oh I’m sure that’s what she meant but it’s even better advice if you flip it around

Wahots,
@Wahots@pawb.social avatar

That seems odd to me. I’m in a loving relationship around the same length, and neither of us would have approached it any differently than you.

GBU_28,

You have a gift right now because you have a girlfriend, not a wife. Don’t rush in giving that gift up.

BigTrout75,

Hey, from one married person. This behavior probably won’t change. Should ask yourself if “This is it?”. Not saying to leave just saying to consider if your can handle the ups and downs. Best of luck.

Darkncoldbard,

This is really the best advice I’ve seen here… no one knows you or her but if you take into account what Mr. Trout said you can definitely find the answer yourself

Evotech,

Pms can be a bitch. I wouldn’t read to much into it yet

psion1369,

I would say break up, but you have a problem here with the apartment. It’s new. You are both on it. If you decide to break it off, make sure you have a way to deal with this.

Agent641,

She wants out, and is using this as an excuse to drive a wedge.

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