I think the HVAC maintenance guy just destroyed my relationship

Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.

So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out “maintenance” very faintly from the other side of the door.

I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf’s way in a “is this guy for real?” look.

Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was “glad I was there”.

I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn’t aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.

Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn’t handle that correctly. She said her dad would’ve been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must’ve been asking her to protect me.

Despite us discussing a proposal now that we’re 2 years in, she let me know she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.

I’m honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?

It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake–that I honestly think I handled fine–and she’s putting our plans on ice.

She’s been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it’s a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she’ll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.

What do y’all think? How big of a mess am I in?

licherally,

Ask her if you should get a shotgun and point it at the door anytime you hear human life on the other side. Hopefully at that point it will become clear that this is a stupid thing to do, and you can both move on.

Also, depending on how much she harps on this, definitely a red flag.

Spzi,

at that point it will become clear that this is a stupid thing to do

While you’re technically right, I’m afraid things don’t work that way. Pushing people into a corner can have the paradoxic opposite result of strengthening their position, even if it is “clearly” wrong.

licherally,

Well then you know how the rest of the relationship will likely work out at that point

marx2k,

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

TheSanSabaSongbird,

Seems like a red flag to me.

Maybe it’s not a deal-breaker in and of itself, but if you get many more of these, you probably want to cut your losses and move on.

Take it from an old guy who’s learned this shit the hard way.

In my experience it’s the case that if someone shows you that they are crazy or psychologically maladjusted, there’s very little that you can do about it as their romantic partner.

I don’t say that people can’t change, only that it’s almost never going to happen when they are already in a relationship with you and exhibiting weird and abusive behavior such as what you describe.

That said, in all honesty I think you might want to at least consider getting out now. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be.

Again, I’m an old guy in his 50s and I have seen and been through some shit over the years. That doesn’t mean that I’m somehow magically “right,” but it does mean that I have some perspective on these things.

Take it for whatever you think it’s worth.

shasta, (edited )

As a 33 year old man who has had his own share of years in abusive/manipulative relationships, I second this guy’s opinion. The things she said is not the kind of thing you can brush off as a “heat of the moment, on my period” thing. Maybe the fact that she said it is, but she would’ve been thinking it regardless, which is the problem. She has a toxic view of masculinity, apparently because her dad exhibits these traits, and for some reason she wants a guy just like that. You actually sound like a well-adjusted person who doesn’t feel the need to violently assault someone without having all the facts, in order to assert dominance. Unfortunately, that’s not what she wants.

Also, it sounds like her reaction in this situation may be coming from a place of trauma. Has she been assaulted in her past? It is weird that a maintenance guy entering the apartment would trigger her to seek protection. Seems like there may be more to that part of her story. In that case, if you can convince her to seek help from a therapist, this all might just go away.

Blu,

Her reaction, and this is maybe me coping really hard right now, might be related to what happened last night. She attempted suicide last night and had the mindset to call my name before she did. Despite my pleas, she went to work this morning since she has no time off and doesn’t want to get fired.

We talked about what happened, and she admitted that she’s felt like attempting for the past couple months, which kind of follows what I was feeling yesterday. The past 3-4 months have been more difficult than usual.

I don’t know what my next steps are. I’m feeling from it and using this forum to vent in a safe way. There’s not much advice to give, I think. I’m just going to take this one step at a time.

cyborganism,

Check if she had bpd. Borderline personality disorder.

Maalus,

Don’t play internet psychiatrist and recommend disorders like you are giving out candy…

Illuminostro,

Looks like it’s pretty obvious.

Encode1307,

Yeah that one instance covers all the diagnostic criteria /s

snooggums,
snooggums avatar

I think the maintenance man just reminded you that your girlfriend is a terrible person.

PlasmaDistortion,

And he just helped you dodge a serious bullet. Buy that dude a drink.

magnetosphere,
magnetosphere avatar

I’ve been in relationships (both romantic and non) where I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. It’s become something that I’m very aware of, and avoid whenever possible.

Being sensitive and empathetic is one thing. Constantly feeling like you’re at risk of setting off a bomb is something else entirely.

I’m sorry she has issues and a difficult past. However, those things aren’t your fault. It’s not selfish of you to consider your own wants and needs, especially when choosing a life partner. Even if this particular situation works out “well”, the fact that it happened at all is a major warning sign.

She seems to take your affection for granted, and assume that you’ll always be desperate to please her. She thinks she can ignore your needs, hurt you, and you’ll always come back and gratefully accept whatever she’s willing to give. Living that way will crush you entirely. Further, by constantly bowing to her will, she will lose all respect for you - assuming she has any in the first place, that is.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. You deserve better… you may not think so, but you do.

Anticorp,

Yes. You should have shot him, and then spread his blood across your face as a sign of dominance, and then taken your girlfriend in a passionate display of power.

Come on. Really? Tell her to chill the fuck out. You would have fought if fighting was required, but it obviously wasn’t. If she continues making an issue of it then ask her to seek counseling or something. Or I guess just assure her that you’ll keep her and your home safe from all real threats. Get a baseball bat and a can of bear spray and let her know it’s to protect her. I’m not very good at this. Maybe take some of the other advice here.

highenergyphysics,

Look, king. You are not responsible for her mental illnesses the same way nobody else is responsible for any of ours.

That being said, yes you really should be ready to shoot something trying to enter your house without your consent. That is not an idea incompatible with de-escalation.

Track_Shovel,

Fly, you fool

Stanley_Pain,
@Stanley_Pain@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

Instead of talking to random idiots on the Internet have a real adult conversation with her. If she can’t even do that then that would be a problem.

Blackout,
Blackout avatar

Yeah, communication is the only way to get the answer to your question. Maybe she wants to get help about it but is too insecure to talk to you about it. You obviously care about her so don't ignore it but don't jump to conclusions either.

chaosppe,
@chaosppe@lemmy.world avatar

Unfortuently theres so much nuance to a relationship, this small snippit couldn’t possibly give anyone a clear view.

So far I have: Sounds like her mood swings are awful and it puts you in a really uncomfortable situation. And I would be unhappy with her for that specific situation…

But I have zero idea about the rest of your relationship nor would it be easy for you to tell me. 🤔

I’m used to mood swings in my relationship too, but not that extreme. I say as long as you feel like can still trust her you’re alright.

Sunforged,

Currently reading Attached: The Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine MD & Rachel S.F. Healer MA. I would highly recommend buying the book and both of you reading it. Not because of your post I just think everyone can benefit and become more competent partners through the fundamentals laid out in the book.

Your partner sounds like she is displaying deactivating strategies that avoidant attachment styles use to keep relationships from becoming uncomfortably intimate (for them). This could be a recurring issue that manifests in different deactivating strategies throughout your relationship, which is why it might be a good idea for you to read the book together. I’m an avoidant attachment myself, and I have a completely different view of my interactions with my wife now, much less of me viewing her behaviors as positive or negative but more so just empathizing with why she is behaving one way or another.

Lastly forgiveness is just part of being in a long term relationship. You asked if if you should forgive her in the first place, are you expecting to have a relationship with an ideal someone you won’t have to forgive?

Blu,

Thanks for the advice. I just got off work so I’m only now able to read these. I’m going to check this book out. It sounds like, if nothing else, it’ll give me another perspective on what’s going on.

I expect forgiveness to be part of my relationships, I just don’t know if I can forgive this. I think my ability to forgive has limits, and this incident is severe enough, in my mind, to test those limits. Forgiveness increasingly feels like a one way street for her and I. I forgive her, but she’s selective with what she’ll forgive and move past. It wasn’t always this way. It’s changed in the past 3-4 months, though.

Sunforged,

It absolutely has to be a two way street. You should have limits and you should be clear with her what they are. Whatever happens I hope the best for the both of you!

popcap200,

Have you considered couples counseling?

magnetosphere,
magnetosphere avatar

After only being together for two years? When they’re not even engaged?

Some relationships are worth fighting for. This doesn’t sound like one of those.

snooggums,
snooggums avatar

If you can afford it easily, it might just clear up some miscommunication or misconceptions before getting engaged.

popcap200,

Sure! Why not? My girlfriend and I do it when we have communication issues. We have insurance, and can easily afford the copays.

magnetosphere,
magnetosphere avatar

If it works for you two, great! I’m not against the idea in general. It just doesn’t seem worthwhile in OPs case.

Phil_in_here,

How is engagement status relevant? And how is a 2 year relationship not worth making an effort to keep?

Would a 6 month relationship where the couple is married be worth counselling?

I’m curious to know if you have a formula. Is marriage like a 3x relationship multiplier?

magnetosphere,
magnetosphere avatar

She’s holding the prospect of engagement over his head. I don’t have a “formula”; but from the way op described things, counseling wouldn’t be worth the effort.

Death_Equity,

Tell her that the incident with the maintenance guy has made you consider her safety in a new way. Go on to say that because of that you will be buying a gun. Go over your new procedure for unexpected visitors which includes her designated hiding spot inside of a 1/2" AR500 box and establishing a defensive position which covers all angles of attack. You will be conducting perimeter sweeps every 15 minutes while she sleeps and every 30 minutes when she is awake. You will start working out every day until you can bench 300 pounds and crush a coconut in any joint.

Or maybe talk to her about what happened and explain your concerns in regards to what she said and have a calm adult conversation where you both can come to an understanding of each other’s perspective and expectations which you can then determine what improvements to the relationship can be made.

Seraph, (edited )
Seraph avatar

We don't know your relationship and you have to decide what is a red flag or not at the end of the day.

But don't ignore what you're worried might be a red flag.

From another perspective that maintenance guy might have saved you a painful marriage.

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