@DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw
@DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

DivineKestrel

@DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw

Black autistic train wreck of the manic pixie chaos demon variety. Desperately sapphic and depressingly touch-starved. Constantly walks into the cocktail party naked in heels because my sense of boundaries is entirely fucking broken.

I dream of having bigger tits, a day collar, and someone who calls me "pet." Someday I will meet a woman willing to tie me up in a vaguely uncomfortable position and fuck me until the pain stops. Until then I'm here to rip my chest open and pour 75 conflicting emotions all over everyone's expensive shoes.

I post about sex A LOT because I'm a horny chaos demon. My posts auto-delete after a while for the safety of humanity.

If I don't know you, you might consider interacting a bit before requesting a follow or I might ignore it.

If you're a cis man, you might consider not interacting at all…or at least thinking real hard before explaining my own jokes to me or describing the nuances of politics or science, both which I've written actual books about.

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

rooster, to random
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deleted_by_author

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    DivineKestrel,
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @rooster oh fuck!!

    DivineKestrel, to random
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    I literally cannot imagine just being confident.

    Not confident as in "I literally want to die so it's not like I fear death so much as welcome it." I had that.

    Not confident a as in "Well I'm a 6+ foot monstrosity in these heels so I'll act like the world can't touch me even though I'm about to cry." That's all I can pull off right now.

    I can't imagine just having … regular confidence. I have no idea what that would feel like.

    DivineKestrel,
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    My surgeon has said multiple times how he's impressed because I'm "so strong" and "confident" and "classy."

    And here I am, sitting outside before my appointment, just like literally every other appointment, and I'm just crying.

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    I felt really good about myself. And that gave me confidence, and all of that confidence built on itself to make me feel better. I felt beautiful and powerful.

    But then the person I love the most throws criticisms at me and makes me feel like I'm a horror.

    The shirt doesn't work if I'm feeling shitty about myself because I just feel exposed and stupid.

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    Put in a new shirt, recommended by @Impossible_PhD and her friend. But don't have a bra that works with it because it's a super low-cut, wide neck scoop. But try it without a bra and… wow! damn! So I feel great about it, and about myself.

    Walk out, my very conservative wife openly scoffs and looks horrified. Fucking hell I hate that veiled criticism.

    And there go all the positive feelings about myself.

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    FaceID doesn't recognize me, so weirdly I'm annoyed by an actual early transition goal that I never thought would happen.

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    "I know you said this was a fancy dinner so I made a special version of deconstructed egg salad I learned about while on a cooking tour in Paris."

    *hands host a platter of regular-ass deviled eggs

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    I'm that weird aunt that you're somewhat enthralled with, slightly afraid of, and certain is actually a witch.

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    So many times I see Trans women's before pictures and am like "But… you already looked like a girl, tho…"

    I look at my before pictures and it's a cross between a Klingon and a WWF wrestler and I'm just like "Yeah, no chance there, babe. Sorry."

    DivineKestrel, to random
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    Everyday is Trans Day of Visibilty when you are clockable as fuck.

    DivineKestrel, to random
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    I wore underwear to church. So guess I'm full-on drinking the kool-aid at this point.

    DivineKestrel, to random
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    Happy Trans Day of Visibility. I hope everyone has a happy day.

    I'm gonna be visible by wearing this gorgeous sequin Playboy Bunny outfit to church.

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    When I first came out, I sewed a circle dress with bright fun colors. And I put it on and, like all newly minted trans girls, wore it on my hips and it was ugly and dysphoria inducing. But it's actually a really cute skirt. And now I wear skirts every day and I really need to pull that skirt out from the bottom of the drawer and wear it.

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    Anyone large women who've bought Only Maker shoes out there? I'm a 14 women's and desperate for some cute shoe options. Wondering how they are for sizing and quality?

    DivineKestrel,
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @Impossible_PhD okay this is excellent news! 💖

    Impossible_PhD, to random
    @Impossible_PhD@hachyderm.io avatar

    Soooooo I got my first LBD...

    image/jpeg

    DivineKestrel,
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @Impossible_PhD There's a women-only gathering in Portland called LBD that's specifically "come put on your little black dress, get dolled up, and be safe." I want to go to one so bad now.

    DivineKestrel,
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @Impossible_PhD Something you will find amusing, Zoe: I found it on Fetlife. Because I made an account about a month ago like "Well, might as well get my freak on" and looked for events to go to and was immediately like "Um, none of this sounds fun to me at all"

    Except for a couple events that were basically like that LBD gathering. The ones I like were all "Meet friends in a safe environment!"

    So I was left with this feeling like "I think I'm freaky, but then all I actually get excited about is going shopping and drinking tea."

    @Willow

    rooster, to random
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    deleted_by_author

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    DivineKestrel,
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @rooster I have so much hope for you I want you to get this so bad.

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    Everytime some psycho Catholic dude in power talks about Trans people being a "virus" I think about the vampire bite mark on my neck and about how efficient it is to spread my evil sickness by making out with cute girls.

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    If a girl says "I love X band" and there's no dude around to make her prove her love by describing which song has a melody that's actually a perfect mathematical solution to a partial differential equation, does she still love X band?

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    I can do without the 20 minute anxiety pulse before each dilation as I contemplate the about of pain I'm about to endure.

    oldladyplays, to random
    @oldladyplays@wargamers.social avatar

    Got a hard physical day today. Had a two and a half hour education session this morning, which went well but was tiring, and this afternoon I have an in-person two-hour meeting across town. So I have to take a cab to get there, spend two hours, then another cab to get home (thankfully someone else is paying for the cabs). So I'll be busy from 16h to 19h with my "two-hour" meeting. All in all, it amounts to six hours of working today, half of it paid.

    That's too many hours in a single day for me. I'm going through CBD gummies like a woodpecker through soft pine.

    It's days like these that I really feel the being disabled thing. It's humbling knowing that a six-hour day can lay me out, when most of my friends can work an eight-hour day, day after day.

    So yeah, that's my day. Class this morning was excellent - it's our third-level class, so it's for the people who've already done the basics, and are talking about some of the advanced topics: polyamoury, drag, the AIDS crisis, conversion therapy, trans health care, and so on.

    This class was engaged and interested, had lots of good questions, and spontaneously and voluntarily put together a reflections session for themselves after we left. A real pleasure to teach.

    DivineKestrel,
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @oldladyplays Okay, NB people like @storybead break my fucking brain. They are the reason I don't even really feel Trans. Like, I'm so fucking boring. Hyperfemme trad wife in hoop skirt and kitten heels and I'd be gloriously happy. Like a literal fucking 50s stereotype. But then you have Rowan out there like "Fuck everything about your expectations" and it's like "Holy shit now THAT is fucking warrior garb, I'll just move on to the back of the crowd." 😆​

    DivineKestrel,
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @oldladyplays @storybead Also Rowan, when you sent me my lovely pendant, I showed a picture of the maker to my NB child and they were like "they have a beard too?" And you could literally watch the gears turning. Like, we're an otherwise pretty binary household, but they are completely outside that binary, and were just really looking at you as a possibility they didn't see. So… there's another 💞​

    DivineKestrel,
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @WrenArcher A is a big fan of you too, Wren, but we already knew that. 😘​

    @oldladyplays @storybead

    DivineKestrel, to random
    @DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

    Okay, Terra, don't be tragically jealous of the Trans girl who's going to celebrate her 20th birthday in a few months. It was a steel town in the fucking 80s and you would have been literally murdered.

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