callunavulgaris

callunavulgaris, 18 days ago

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic Funnily enough I identified recently that I'm not much swayed by advertising and will always make my own decisions based on information. I tend to make swift decisions - if an item fits what I'm looking for then I don't really shop around as I can't stand the level of detail involved. My ADHD husband is never happier than when researching so he gets that job if we have a big purchase to make! Sometimes I do buy on impulse but that's the flipside of my usual care.

callunavulgaris, 22 days ago

@purplepadma That's lovely. I love it when something you've read or watched, or even visited, keeps popping up in your mind. I went to Hanbury Hall at Christmas and they'd dressed the house with Christmas paraphernalia from the 1960s, 70s and 80s and it was incredible and totally unexpected - we'd gone there only because somewhere else was closed! I still think about it now.

callunavulgaris, 23 days ago

@joshourisman @kkffoo @actuallyautistic If I ever doubt that I'm properly autistic this video sums up my experiences. Information first, that's the nub of it.

callunavulgaris, 29 days ago

My dad, in his 80s, is still pretty fit and takes part in sporting events, often competing at county level. He's Mum's main carer and as such it's vital that he gets his fun and has a break. I can and do step in whether he's here or not, but particularly when he's out. Thing is, Mum has taken to asking two friends if they'll come round when he's out (one at a time), whether I'm in or not. Seems fine superficially, ask a friend round, why not? Problem is /Cont'd...

callunavulgaris, 29 days ago

She only does it when Dad's out, so it's not 'hey Marge, come round for coffee', it's 'hey Marge, come round and sit with me while J's out and please bring me my supper and keep me company'. Again, doesn't sound too bad but it's not occasional, she's asking them a lot. They're also in their 80s, one's recently been ill and IMO it's asking too much. Once in a while yes, but emailing lists of dates is putting people in a difficult position. I can't tell whether she's unaware of this or knows...

callunavulgaris, 29 days ago

and doesn't care because there's something about it that's so vital to her.

Last night I dropped one of these friends home about 9.30pm. It was pretty obvious to me from the outset that she wasn't really happy at having to come over. I thanked her for coming and said I wasn't sure why Mum had asked her as I was in. The conversation swfitly got to her telling me she wasn't really happy doing it (no shit?) and Mum was asking her too much and she had to say no quite often. Cont'd...

callunavulgaris, 29 days ago

I instantly assured her that saying no was the right thing to do, she must never feel obliged, and that I had already spoken to my dad about needing to find a proper solution to this. So far so bleedin' obvious really. The crux of the problem is that Mum doesn't like being left on her own, at all really, just like when she was depressed. Ironically when Dad's in (which is 5 evenings out of 7 most weeks) he's often in the study, partly because Mum has crap TV on quite loud and it empties the room

callunavulgaris, 29 days ago

I've looked into a local care agency and it all seems doable, and they have a great reputation, but now I have to broach the subject. I can just hear (with my @actuallyautistic experience) "Heather says I can't have my friends round when you're out", just like it was "Heather says the house is too dirty" when I responded to her sighing about the state of the house with some suggestions for how to manage it.

She won't be honest about why she wants someone in. She told last night's friend that...

callunavulgaris, 29 days ago

it's because my dad worries about her when he's out. I'm sorry but when my dad's in the sporting arena no other thouht enters his head. She won't be honest about anything much and it makes putting the right things in place so much more difficult than it needs to be.

So I now have to talk to my dad in concrete terms, having previously had a general conversation about the need for formal care at times. Then we have to talk to my mum about why she asks her friends round to help when I'm in...

callunavulgaris, 29 days ago

and, I might add, entirely capable of looking after her as I do very frequently and she always says I do so much blah blah. Then we have to tell her that she's asking too much of her friends - I don't want to admit how I know that - and that if she feels the need for someone in the room with her when Dad's out and me floating around the house isn't enough then it'll be a carer at £30/hr. Of course I can be around but with my @actuallyautistic hat on please don't make me sit in a cluttered room

callunavulgaris, 29 days ago

@actuallyautistic with a very loud TV. I can do it for a few minutes but it really does my head in. So she'll feel that me being around means sitting in monastic silence. She can't really chat because she's very hard to understand. It's a shitshow of a situation. She doesn't really get that for Dad and me to look after her she needs to work with us. So fun conversation coming up and I'm not sure how to approach it without sounding brutal, which isn't my intention but often happens.