@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

callunavulgaris

@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot

UK. Rural mum, part-time archaeology bod, faithful helpmeet to large hairy husband. Mildly/probably/borderline autistic. Slave to Scottish rugby, ๐Ÿด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ณ๓ ฃ๓ ด๓ ฟ tendencies. Exile. Earnest, apparently. tootfinder

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callunavulgaris, to random
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

Does anyone have experience of difficult conversations with geriatric parents? I could use advice on how to tackle a tricky situation. Might run to a few posts:

My mum has very limited mobility and falls a lot, together with all sorts of other ailments that are no fun. She has a history of depression (including staying in a psychiatric unit) and is going downhill again as her life is shrinking so much. This is difficult for everyone in lots of ways but on thing has risen to the top. Cont'd...

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

My dad, in his 80s, is still pretty fit and takes part in sporting events, often competing at county level. He's Mum's main carer and as such it's vital that he gets his fun and has a break. I can and do step in whether he's here or not, but particularly when he's out. Thing is, Mum has taken to asking two friends if they'll come round when he's out (one at a time), whether I'm in or not. Seems fine superficially, ask a friend round, why not? Problem is /Cont'd...

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

She only does it when Dad's out, so it's not 'hey Marge, come round for coffee', it's 'hey Marge, come round and sit with me while J's out and please bring me my supper and keep me company'. Again, doesn't sound too bad but it's not occasional, she's asking them a lot. They're also in their 80s, one's recently been ill and IMO it's asking too much. Once in a while yes, but emailing lists of dates is putting people in a difficult position. I can't tell whether she's unaware of this or knows...

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

and doesn't care because there's something about it that's so vital to her.

Last night I dropped one of these friends home about 9.30pm. It was pretty obvious to me from the outset that she wasn't really happy at having to come over. I thanked her for coming and said I wasn't sure why Mum had asked her as I was in. The conversation swfitly got to her telling me she wasn't really happy doing it (no shit?) and Mum was asking her too much and she had to say no quite often. Cont'd...

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

I instantly assured her that saying no was the right thing to do, she must never feel obliged, and that I had already spoken to my dad about needing to find a proper solution to this. So far so bleedin' obvious really. The crux of the problem is that Mum doesn't like being left on her own, at all really, just like when she was depressed. Ironically when Dad's in (which is 5 evenings out of 7 most weeks) he's often in the study, partly because Mum has crap TV on quite loud and it empties the room

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

I've looked into a local care agency and it all seems doable, and they have a great reputation, but now I have to broach the subject. I can just hear (with my @actuallyautistic experience) "Heather says I can't have my friends round when you're out", just like it was "Heather says the house is too dirty" when I responded to her sighing about the state of the house with some suggestions for how to manage it.

She won't be honest about why she wants someone in. She told last night's friend that...

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

it's because my dad worries about her when he's out. I'm sorry but when my dad's in the sporting arena no other thouht enters his head. She won't be honest about anything much and it makes putting the right things in place so much more difficult than it needs to be.

So I now have to talk to my dad in concrete terms, having previously had a general conversation about the need for formal care at times. Then we have to talk to my mum about why she asks her friends round to help when I'm in...

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

and, I might add, entirely capable of looking after her as I do very frequently and she always says I do so much blah blah. Then we have to tell her that she's asking too much of her friends - I don't want to admit how I know that - and that if she feels the need for someone in the room with her when Dad's out and me floating around the house isn't enough then it'll be a carer at ยฃ30/hr. Of course I can be around but with my @actuallyautistic hat on please don't make me sit in a cluttered room

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@actuallyautistic with a very loud TV. I can do it for a few minutes but it really does my head in. So she'll feel that me being around means sitting in monastic silence. She can't really chat because she's very hard to understand. It's a shitshow of a situation. She doesn't really get that for Dad and me to look after her she needs to work with us. So fun conversation coming up and I'm not sure how to approach it without sounding brutal, which isn't my intention but often happens.

masukomi, to actuallyautistic
@masukomi@connectified.com avatar

sensory ๐Ÿ„๐Ÿ’ฉ.

Aside from the constant avoidance of loud noises and keeping the sun's evil rays from finding my eyeballs... my sensory management is primarily the never-ending balancing act between "holy shit my nipples are on fire! I need a bra!" and "holy shit get this bra off of me!"

So, that's a thing. ๐Ÿ™

@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Varceptious @masukomi @actuallyautistic Glad to hear I'm not the only one who finds some clothes claustrophobic. Tight sleeves get me and I couldn't ever wear a top I bought in an emergency on holiday as the soft stretchy neck clung to my skin and I just couldn't stand it. Bras though are essential as I have Boobs-with-a-capital-B and curiously I like that tightness ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™‚๏ธ

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@masukomi @Varceptious @actuallyautistic ๐Ÿ˜„

callunavulgaris, to knitting
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

Mastodon - help please. What is the difference between yfwd and yfrt? The penny won't drop and I can't find a comparison online. This Rowan pattern seems to be the only place where 'yfrt' exists. The pattern describes it as "bring yarn to the front of the work between the two needles", which is pretty much a yfwd. The pattern uses both so I'm none the wiser. Thank you.

Cassandra, (edited ) to random
@Cassandra@autistics.life avatar

If you had dirt on your hands, which sink would you use to wash them?

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Cassandra I use whichever sink is nearest or most logical. If I'm carrying things upstairs then I'll wash my hands in the bathroom upstairs when I've put the things down. If I'm taking things into the kitchen then I'll wash my hands there. The kitchen tends to be my first port of call. I always wash my hands when I get in from going anywhere. If they were really muddy or something like that I'd use the utility room sink.

JeremyMallin, to actuallyautistic
@JeremyMallin@autistics.life avatar

If you know, you know.

@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic I do this! It drives my son mad ๐Ÿ˜†

ashleyspencer, to actuallyautistic
@ashleyspencer@autistics.life avatar

I'm honestly quite a bit afraid of socializing with neurotypical business owners. Like I'd be so excited to talk to fellow entrepreneurs, and then get humiliated when they think I'm a weirdo or immature.

I'm very socially inept in person. I get bullied a lot. Allistics think something is wrong with me and treat me as such.

I've walked away from so many social situations in tears.

Being by myself with my cats all the time is a lot better.

@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@ashleyspencer @actuallyautistic I'm sorry to hear you've had such rough experiences. I used to do networking but as I have zero tolerance for bullshit I didn't get very far as I just couldn't play the game. I didn't know then that I'm and couldn't understand why I didn't get from these groups what other people seemed to. Now I think it was emperor's new clothes and wonder how I stuck with it for as long as I did!

callunavulgaris, to history
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

Odda's Chapel, Deerhurst. This is all and

https://www.english-heritage.org.uk/visit/places/oddas-chapel/

This little chapel is one of the most complete Saxon churches surviving in England. It was built in 1056 so is pre-Norman. In the C17th it was incorporated into a farmhouse, because why wouldn't you?

No internal shots because it's not dramatic internally but if like me all your spidey senses start screaming in old bldgs then there's a lot to see.

Odda's Chapel, Deerhurst. View showing the opposite side of the Saxon chapel adjoining the timbered C17th farmhouse.

callunavulgaris, to history
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

St Mary's Kempley

https://www.english-heritage.org.uk/visit/places/st-marys-church-kempley/

Has the oldest timber roof of any building in England and incredible medieval wall paintings.

St Mary's Church, Kempley. A view from the chancel towards the nave, showing the Norman chancel arch decorated with patterns.
St Mary's Church, Kempley. Another view of the medieval wall painting of the Apostles, including the window previously described.

autism101, to actuallyautistic
@autism101@mstdn.social avatar

Do you need routines but actually dislike them at the same time?

image: unknown
@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic Some and some. There are definitely areas where I would like to be more flexible but at the same time I know that the way I do some things is really important to me. Usually though these are things that affect just me and that I know make a difference, like a good bedtime routine, my preferred routine when I first get in to work and the order of events at home getting ready before a work day.

ants_are_everywhere, to Autism
@ants_are_everywhere@mathstodon.xyz avatar

The perennial challenge every April 1st is how to spread of through a series of well-crafted practical jokes.

@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@anomalon @ants_are_everywhere @actuallyautistic ๐Ÿ˜„ I so relate!

olena, to actuallyautistic
@olena@mementomori.social avatar

On one hand, itโ€™s nice to see that we can have noice-canceling headphones, selective earplugs and other kinds of solutions to help and other folks to reduce sensory overload in public places, but I canโ€™t help but think that we should address the problem from the other side: to not create that overload to begin with.
Ok, I get the need for bright light in a shop: you really want to see what youโ€™re buying, you want to choose a fruit/veggie without signs of spoiling, be able to read the label clearly etc.
But all that loud music? Is there really any value in it for the stores? Why do they keep playing it? Were there some actual real studies that have shown that putting on music increases sales?
Like, I have seen many times(and was myself) people leaving store sooner, even without the things they went for, because they couldnโ€™t stand that loud music anymore, but I havenโ€™t seen anyone actually staying in a shopping mall longer because they liked music or something.
So, is there any actual profit for stores in it, or are they just doing that because everyone is used to it?
Does also anyone know if there have been any studies/works on the sensory overload modern cities put on people and ways to reduce it without making things harder for other members of society?
@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@olena @actuallyautistic Our nearest Morrisons (UK supermarket) has an autistic friendly hour (one whole hour in the week) on a Saturday morning. The tills don't beep, there's no music and the lights are lower.

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@olena @actuallyautistic It's earlyish Saturday morning, 9 o'clock or something like that. My dad goes then anyway but he likes it being quiet. Although he's quite successful socially I suspect he's where I get my autism as he has lots of autistic traits.

callunavulgaris, to random
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

Is it a standard trait to take on others' emotions? I'm not generally a cryer myself, though has been a right bastard for making me prone to being a bit weepy, but I've always been particularly susceptible to others' tears. Today I saw a woman in a car crying and I could hardly speak - I was saying how sad it is that it's not the done thing to tap on someone's car window and ask if they're ok - because it made me choke up too. Is that recognised?

LeftistLawyer, to random
@LeftistLawyer@kolektiva.social avatar

Ok, I rarely do this, but for the sake of anecdotal #Covid research could you please boost?

  1. Are you O negative blood type?
  2. Have you had covid?

Please chime in with your experience.

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@LeftistLawyer

  1. Yes
  2. Yes, twice. First time I felt 100% fine, second time I felt grotty for one day.

Edited to add I've had all the vaccines the NHS has offered me.

nddev, to actuallyautistic
@nddev@c.im avatar

We had dinner with some friends this evening -- five of us in total. After discussing it with Helen earlier in the week, I came out to them as autistic.

I got an interesting set of reactions. Angela (a former headteacher, who I thought knew more about autism) said: "but you're so social." So I said a few words about masking and learning to spend time in company. Lesley replied: "you should have known him when he was young. He was really quite odd." (No, it's fine, we have that kind of relationship.)

I told Angela I thought she'd known for years, and she said she'd suspected it, but only because of my unusual walk. So, if you really want to pass as NT, you need not only to avoid ticcing and stimming, and make eye contact, and say the right things at the right speed, and pull the right faces, but also to get your walk right. Who knew teachers specialised in gait analysis?

So that's it. I'm committed. I'm now. ๐Ÿ™‚

@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@riggbeck @nddev @actuallyautistic Interesting. A friend of mine who's has that walk too. I don't.

callunavulgaris,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@nddev @riggbeck @actuallyautistic No, a woman, but she has a son who was walking on his toes too last time I saw him and is an adult and definitely .

As was the way back in the day, my walk was commented upon when I was 18 and the word 'wiggle' was used so pretty much ever since I've been extremely self conscious of how I walk and have possibly subconsciously adjusted it. I've never been a toe walker though.

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