Trump Denies Storing Documents In Bathroom: ‘Just Because A Room Has A Toilet Doesn’t Make It A Bathroom’ (www.theonion.com)
Florida Liberal Pledges To Burn More Books By Women (www.theonion.com)
Ford Unveils New 4-Lane SUV (www.theonion.com)
Woman Pushing Stroller Just Assumes Everyone Going To Move Out Of Her Way On Highway (www.theonion.com)
EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source (www.theonion.com)
Embarrassed U.S. Excuses Itself From Asia Security Summit After Realizing America Not In Asia (www.theonion.com)
Promising Report Finds Great Pacific Garbage Patch Could Support Full-Scale Ground War By 2040 (www.theonion.com)
Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online (www.theonion.com)
In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough? (www.theonion.com)
Old but gold
Study Finds Fewer Than 2% Of College Athletes Go On To Open Steakhouse Named After Themselves (www.theonion.com)
FDA Requires Cigarette Packs Have Image Of Cigarette Pack Which Itself Has Smaller Image Of Cigarette Pack To Make Smokers Question Where This All Ends (www.theonion.com)
Wealthy Florida Residents Without Power Forced To Use Emergency Hand-Crank Margarita Machines (www.theonion.com)
Brett Favre Makes Amends By Sending Photo Of His Penis To Every Mississippian On Welfare (www.theonion.com)
Greg Abbott Sends Hundreds Of Migrants To DeSantis’ House To Teach Him Lesson About Stealing Idea (www.theonion.com)
Nation Forced To Seek Human Rights From Back-Alley Supreme Court (www.theonion.com)
Texas Passes Mandatory 24-Hour Waiting Period Before Police Can Engage Active Shooters (www.theonion.com)
BREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Purchased A 0.000000125% Stake In Twitter And Is Demanding A Seat On The Board (www.theonion.com)
BREAKING: Our Intern Is Being Forced Into A Hunger Strike Until Twitter Lifts Our Ban (www.theonion.com)
BREAKING: The Onion Has Been Permanently Banned From Twitter (www.theonion.com)
This is a tragic moment in the history of America’s Finest News Source. Our reporters are deeply troubled by this unfounded attack on their principles, and many of them say they no longer recognize the website they live in.
Job Creationist Believes There Only One True CEO Who Made All Jobs From On High (www.theonion.com)
Judge dismisses NYT libel suit brought by cannibal terrorist Sarah Palin (www.theonion.com)
Lost Journal Entry Reveals Lewis And Clark Nearly Turned Back After Tripping Over Tree Root (www.theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the early trials the famed explorers encountered on their sojourn across the American West, a lost journal entry acquired Thursday by the Smithsonian Institution reveals that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark nearly turned back after tripping over a tree root. “In our observations of the newly...
Lawyer Explains That Just Because You Accidentally Kill Santa Doesn't Mean You’re Legally Obligated To Take His Place (www.theonion.com)
Smithsonian Acquires Coat Hanger Neil Armstrong And Buzz Aldrin Used To Get Back Inside Lunar Module After Locking Selves Out (www.theonion.com)
Mrs. Fields CEO Under Fire For Laying Off 1,000 Employees Via Cookie Cake (www.theonion.com)
