Trump Reflexively Asks Michael Cohen To Silence Michael Cohen (www.theonion.com)
Florida Students Given Lifelike Dolls To Simulate Responsibility Of Owning Slave (www.theonion.com)
Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom (www.theonion.com)
17 Days In Incubator Longest Time Premature Baby Will Go Without Being Exposed To Advertising (www.theonion.com)
Bored Riot Cops Break Up Calculus Class (www.theonion.com)
Trump vs. Biden On Free Speech (www.theonion.com) French
Drake Drops New Track Inviting Kendrick Lamar Out To Coffee So They Can Clear Things Up (www.theonion.com)
“The truth is, Kendrick, I think you’re a sweetie / Does 2 p.m. work, or maybe 3?” Drake raps in his new single titled “I Miss You, Buddy,”...
Israel Accuses Al Jazeera Of Being Mouthpiece For Journalism (www.theonion.com)
New Texas Law Makes It Legal To Sue Any Woman Whose Weight Fluctuates To Find Out What’s Going On There (www.theonion.com)
Israel Accuses Al Jazeera Of Being Mouthpiece For Journalism (www.theonion.com)
JERUSALEM—Following its ban of the Qatar-based news outlet’s operations in the country, Israel accused Al Jazeera Monday of being a mouthpiece for journalism. “It is clear from its continuous, 24-hour coverage of the war in Gaza that Al Jazeera is working on behalf of journalistic principles,” Prime Minister Benjamin...
Advisors Assure Biden This Will Blow Over Once All Gazans Dead (www.theonion.com)
Advisors Assure Biden This Will Blow Over Once All Gazans Dead (www.theonion.com)
‘Bluey’ Praised For Tackling Difficult Subject Of Walking In On Parents During Their Scheduled Weekly Sex (www.theonion.com)
“We watch Bluey every week as a family, and I tell you, when Bandit sat Bluey down to explain to her that what she saw was just him and Mum doing something the therapist made them promise they’d do every Sunday night at precisely 7:30 p.m., I teared up,”
Taylor Swift Begins Day By Playing Video Reminding Travis Kelce Who She Is, How Long They’ve Dated (www.theonion.com)
It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible (www.theonion.com)
The only good media outlet
Advisors Assure Biden This Will Blow Over Once All Gazans Dead (www.theonion.com)
‘Sorry I’m Late—These Protesters Were A Nightmare,’ Says Blood-Splattered, Riot-Gear-Clad Biden Entering Press Conference (www.theonion.com)
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Tesla Lays Off Entire Team Behind Brakes (www.theonion.com)
AUSTIN, TX—In the latest round of layoffs for the company’s struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical...
Trump Boys Bake Dad Cake With Gavel Hidden Inside (www.theonion.com)
Columbia University Gives Students Option To Finish Classes From Prison (www.theonion.com)
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the option to finish classes from prison....
Landlord Forced To Raise Rent Due To Thinking Of Bigger Number (www.theonion.com)
Dad Blows Through 10 Of Child’s Snack Packs In One Sitting (www.theonion.com)
Extra Egg Roll Thrown In By Mistake Becomes Man’s Sole Reason For Living (www.theonion.com)
Congress Quickly Passes Funding For National Night-Light After Waking Up From Scary Dream (www.theonion.com)
New York City Launches New Shareable E-Cig Program (www.theonion.com)
