Israel says decapitated babies are no longer reason to respond with genocide
It's different when they do the decapitating
Israel has suddenly decided that decapitated babies are not justification to commit a retaliatory genocide after it decapitated babies by dropping 8 one-ton bombs on tents in a refugee camp, and bombed the Kuwaiti hospital to take it out of operation before the survivors could be taken there.
Rishi Sunak decides to end political career with general election
Even I don't think he stands a chance!
Rishi Sunak, the UK’s greatest prime minister since Liz Truss, has announced he will be stepping down through a process known as a “general election” that he has zero chance of winning.
King Charles formally comes out as Satan, Lord of Demons
We need to respect his lifestyle choice
The bloke called Charles, who happens to be the British head of state due to some weird fairy story about how he inherited magic blood from his German mother and her Nazi cousin (blood so special it made his brother and uncle paedophiles), has made a dramatic announcement: he is actually Satan.
UN worker dies from unknown causes after bullet-sized holes appear in window
Figuring out the cause of death may prove a significant challenge
In the chaos of Rafah, where civilians with one leg are evacuating on crutches and the IDF are doing everything they can to preserve civilian life, a UN aid worker has sadly passed away, and another has been injured, after holes mysteriously appeared in the vehicle they were travelling in.
Israel finishes fifth after Eurovision organisers punish all who opposed genocide
Booing Israel was made a hate crime
Ordinarily, Eurovision is a woke nightmare, a non-binary kaleidoscope of garish outfits, glitter showers, and they/them pronouns, but steps were taken to rectify the situation this year when organisers did their utmost to Make Colonialism Cool Again.
King Charles did not invite Harry to garden party because it was "family only"
It would have been inappropriate to invite James Hewitt's son
King Charles has explained he did not invite Prince Harry to his garden party because it was family-only and he did not think it appropriate to invite James Hewitt's son along.
The US labels hip-hop artist Macklemore a terrorist organisation
His music has been banned to defend Israel's genocide
Due to concerns his music was radicalising the youth, the US government has taken the necessary step of banning hip-hop artist Macklemore and branding him a terrorist organisation. Any American who has bought a Macklemore record in the past 12 months is to be expelled from university and put on a no-fly list.
Israel insists it has a right to defend itself from ceasefire agreements
It has no choice but to attack 1.4 million refugees in tents
Israel has been left with no choice but to launch its Rafah offensive, due to an outrageous provocation from Hamas in which the terror group agreed to a ceasefire in exchange for the safe release of all hostages.
Woman sacked from radio station for telling truth about Israel
Critics of Israel cannot be allowed to have jobs
LBC has made the courageous decision to sack a radio presenter after she forgot know her place and dared challenge an Israeli spokesperson during an interview.
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Israel blackmails ICC with threat to cancel ceasefire it never offered
It has a right to defend itself from international law
Due to serious concerns the International Criminal Court is about to issue arrest warrants for Netanyahu and his officials, Israel has been left with no choice but to increase the intensity of its genocide. This is because Israel has a right to defend itself from international law.
US police capture Hamas leader at US university with a bicycle
They stopped the 73 year old woman by shoving a bike in her face
In dramatic developments, police officers in Washington state have arrested the leader of a Hamas terror cell: 73-year-old presidential candidate Jill Stein.
The arrest of Stein is understood to be the most significant moment in the war on terror since the killing of Osama Bin Laden in 2011.
American university students arrested for embarrassing Israel
This is definitely not cancel culture
In super-exciting news, the people who have unwaveringly backed Israel’s genocide from the start have proven they’re on the right side of history by sending masked cops to arrest students and professors who were committing the terrorist act of peaceful protest.
World stunned as Israel fails to evidence the thing it made up
It could not support its allegations against Unrwa
In an astonishing turn of events, Israel has failed to provide evidence to back up its allegations against Unrwa for the UN’s final report... because that evidence doesn't exist. I know, my jaw dropped too!
Israel had made the totally plausible claim that 1 in 10 Unrwa workers are members of Hamas
Sunak has a solution to our problems: a war on disabled people
They are the cause of everything we used to blame on refugees
At a time when everything is unaffordable and the NHS is collapsing under a waiting list of 7.6 million and we are at the brink of World War III and the Tories can’t go two days without a sex scandal,the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom has identified the solution to our problems: a war on disabled people
The US has decided only Israel can ratify Palestinian statehood
It's only fair its mortal enemy gets to decide this
The United States has vetoed Palestine’s bid for full UN membership, stating the UN is not the venue for recognition of a Palestinian state. Their representative clarified that Palestinian statehood is something that can only be ratified unilaterally by Palestine's mortal enemy: Israel.
New York Times confirms it does not count Palestinians as humans
It explained its controversial memo was backed up by science
There was inexplicable controversy this week when the New York Times sent a memo to its staff, reminding them of standard mainstream media guidelines regarding Israel and Palestine.
Iran plotting unprovoked attack on country that bombed its embassy
This would be a huge act of aggression
There is outrage in the west that Iran might be planning an unprovoked attack against Israel after the IDF bombed its consulate building in Damascus on April 1, killing two generals and five soldiers. Tensions have been high since Iran refused to apologise for overreacting to Israel’s April Fools' prank.
Americans astonished to survive terrifying solar eclipse
Nobody has ever survived one of these before
The highest IQ nation on earth, the United States of America, experienced a terrifying situation today when the sun disappeared behind the moon for a few minutes, sparking fears it might never come back.
World first as Tory MP involved in shocking sex scandal
This has never happened before
You’re going to want to sit down for this one, but a Tory MP has been involved in a sex and blackmail scandal. I know, I can’t believe it either! I honestly thought the Tories had put that stuff behind them with the departure of Boris Johnson, but apparently not.
Tories coincidentally received £5M from donor awarded knighthood
These two things are totally unrelated
Rishi Sunak has confirmed his decision to award Egyptian billionaire Mohamed Mansour a knighthood was in no way influenced by Mohamed's generous £5 million donation to the Tory Party.
The Princess of Wales has been replaced by a clone
This explains so much...
As you surely know, there was lots of speculation about a royal announcement yesterday and the worst people on the internet had built up their hopes that the bloke called Charles had kicked the bucket.
House speaker fails to let Diane Abbott discuss abuse she received
Everyone got to speak about Diane apart from Diane!
The house speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle allowed everyone in parliament to discuss the racist and misogynistic abuse aimed at Diane Abbott today, apart from the one person we definitely did not need to hear from: Diane herself!
PM unable to condemn racist because he gave him lots of money
Politicians should never condemn their donors
The prime minister has explained he is unable to condemn a man who racially abused and fantasised about shooting Diane Abbott because the man gives lots of money to the Tory Party. Plus, he once gave Rishi a free helicopter ride that was loads of fun. Who would condemn a friend who gave them a free helicopter ride?
Police officer given refresher training to not stamp on people
Stamping on the homeless can be hard to resist
Greater Manchester Police have taken inspiration from the greatest police force in the UK - the Met that batters women at candle-lit vigils - and they have decided to do their own version of public service.