LehtoriTuomo

LehtoriTuomo, 4 hours ago to actuallyautistic

Mentioned to a coworker that I'm getting some books, for example on autism, and as they showed interest in the topic, proceeded to lightly info dump. Did give some space so that it was a true conversation. However, it reminded me of a thing I've been pondering.

As I present male, I've always been overly cautious of not mansplaining -- or at least ever since I learned about the term. Now that I know I'm autistic, I understand it's entangled with having learned that NTs don't like infodumping.

Whatever the cause, I have a tendency to stay silent even if I know about the topic at hand but aren't 100% certain that it's appropriate to talk about it. Sometimes it makes me sad.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 16 hours ago to actuallyautistic

Yay, got some new books!

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 2 days ago to actuallyautistic

Only very lately, I've started to understand how loud sounds affect me. It's a strange combination of self-controlled loud music (yes, please) and uncontrollable, sometimes sudden, loud sounds making me very tense. I mentioned a loud stop signal in a bus yesterday.

The tensest I get is when our dog, who just turned one, starts to whine at the end of a car ride. We try to teach her that she needs to be quiet in order to get out. When she's agitated it might take a while. It's loud and I feel empathetic and get very tense. I can feel it everywhere in my body. Another example is when she repeatedly barks in a small space, such as our sauna cabin by the summer cottage. It might reverbarate in the structures, and my head.

Another type of sound that gets to me is the sound of brushing. It's physically uncomfortable, has always been. The worst is when a tractor is brushing gravel off the road after the winter. Almost makes me shudder to think about it. Always wondered why it's so uncomfortable. Now with self-diagnosed autism I get it.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 2 days ago to actuallyautistic

Sitting in the bus after a day at work. Feeling tired. The meeting that ended the day dragged on and I stopped even trying to follow the discussion. I haven't listened to music in a bus in ages but now I find myself thinking that maybe I should buy a set of noise-canceling headphones.

The bus is hissing loudly, there are conversations that I can't hear which somehow makes them even more annoying. On top of all I'm sitting under a loudspeaker that plays the stop signal in a very loud tone. Shit, it rang again and startled me. Why does it have to be that loud?

Fortunately I'm not too far from home but still.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 6 days ago to actuallyautistic

Regarding childish things. I just changed my phone theme and fell in love with this cute theme. For some context, I'm approaching 50, have long hair and beard, often wear band shirts.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 6 days ago to actuallyautistic

One reason why it took me so long to self-diagnose autism is that I thought I don't stim. In fact, once I learned that I do stim, my self-diagnosis process kicked in. That was the first time I said to myself that I might actually be autistic.

The reason for this misunderstanding was that I thought stimming is stereotypical, very repetitive, compulsory movement. I guess this misunderstanding is quite common.

I've since learned that stimming, short for self-stimulatory behavior, is basically stimulating one's sensory system in certain ways. It may be a way to soothe oneself, help to focus in overwhelming situations by feeding one's brain predictable sensory input, a way to express joy, or simply something that feels nice. Movements are part of it but any sense can be used.

When googling the term, there are mentions that also neurotypicals stim but that when diagnosing autism, stimming is somehow different -- only socially unacceptable stims are "real" stims. Bah.

I've started paying attention to how and when I stim, and collect a list of stims I do. I've noticed all types of stimming behavior (soothing, focusing, joy, fun). I do it more than before -- or maybe I just notice it more often. I've noticed that I love moving my body parts, especially to music. I also love different textures.

#ActuallyAutistic #stimming @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 12 days ago to actuallyautistic

Someone asked whether I ever played Doom. No, not really. I told that I've never liked first person shooters and then it hit me. I never liked them as there's too much going on. In fact, I've never been a big fan of any types of shooters, the only exception being Cannon Fodder. Now, with the new-found autistic perspective, it makes perfect sense. Sensory overdrive all the time equals no fun. How about my fellow autistics, any fans of shooters?

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 14 days ago to actuallyautistic

Just walked to the city center in beautiful sunlight. Paid attention to the sensory overdrive. The visuals were screaming at me but the world is so beautiful!

As I said elsewhere, I enjoy watching the surroundings. However, now I was super aware that I ground myself by looking back at the ground all the time. A glance or three around, then back to the ground. Just looking at the surroundings would be overwhelming, especially now that everything was bathing in sunlight.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 14 days ago to actuallyautistic

I've been trying to understand what it means that an autistic brain is bombarded with so much information. We spent some time at our summer cottage and I think I got some insight in this.

Instead of seeing the lake in front of my eyes, everywhere I looked I saw a detail. Its size would vary but it would still be a detail. A swan there, its partner there, no leaves on that tree yet, what a cool pattern on the small waves, what does it look like when I move my eyes this way, or that way, a car on the opposite shore, the shadow of the tree, I wonder what seagulls those are etc. A new detail with every single glance.

At the same time my attention tried to keep track of the dog and listened to birds singing and bumblebees flying around.

Now I wonder what it feels like just to see the lake.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 16 days ago to actuallyautistic

It's funny to think how many autistic traits I found in me ages ago but still never connected the dots. For instance, info dumping or "changing the topic to me".

I learned long ago that info dumping is love language used by autistic people, sharing something one feels passionate about with another. However, since NTs don't feel the same way, I've toned down this habit a lot.

As for talking about one's own experiences, it's a form of showing sympathy and connecting with the other person. I didn't understand this on my part and hated how I did it. In some Ally McBeal episode there was a scene where someone (Biscuit maybe) told Ally that she managed to turn the topic to herself in record time of six seconds. I used this as an inspiration in song lyrics I once wrote: "Six seconds was the record / I guess I beat it this time / You wanna hear the story line?" As you may guess, I've repressed this trait of mine as well.

I wonder in which other ways I'm masking without realizing it...

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 16 days ago to actuallyautistic

I had a work meeting with two colleagues. Towards the end of the meeting, I noticed I was clenching my jaw. Once the meeting was over, the feeling slowly passed.

I started thinking what had happened. I'm not exactly sure but I think I wasn't clenching when we were discussing science. It only happened when we were off to a non-work topic. Even if it was one of my favorite topics, music, I guess we were now off the script and my mind became alert. I wonder if this has happened often in the past...

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 17 days ago to actuallyautistic

I read about auditory processing difficulties a week or so ago. References mentioned difficulty of processing spoken instructions as one symptom. I thought that I don't have such difficulty.

This weekend, my spouse told about how she and the dog have now practiced walking on the same side of the path instead of the dog going everywhere. I asked how they have done it. She explained her three point procedure, at which point I said it sounds complicated.

Another heureka moment for me! The procedure certainly wasn't difficult. It was the number of points. For me, two points would've been ok, the third point caused my brain to give a "can not process" error message. Turns out I do have difficulties in processing oral instructions.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 18 days ago to actuallyautistic

Reading about autism and processing what it means in my case is very interesting. But maybe most of all, it's a relief. As I start to write this toot, tears come to my eyes.

I've kicked myself so many times in different situations for not being smart enough. I guess my doctoral degree is counter-proof. Anyway, I've struggled with my identity as a scientist a lot. This has happened especially at conferences. I've felt so out of place there. I haven't been able to discuss many topics. I haven't been able to follow all the talks.

Or when discussing a topic with a research group, I haven't been able to come up with ideas or solutions to problems. Not on the spot, but when I've had the same information in writing and have been going over it on my own, it's been so much clearer.

Therapy worked wonders with understanding what my strengths are. However, it's been even bigger relief to understand that I'm autistic and how it has affected my life. It explains so much.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 18 days ago to actuallyautistic

Started reading about monotropism and wow, that does resonate. For instance, getting stuck on one thought in a meeting and if there's no right time to say it -- often there isn't as there's usually someone else to take the space -- it takes a while to let that thought go. When the topic shifts -- it might even be a relatively slight shift -- I have hard time getting on top of the new topic.

I was especially interested to read about how affect and motivation affect (no pun intended) attention. If something is interesting (positive affect), there's high motivation to work on that. If something isn't interesting (no positive affect), the motivation might be to cope in the situation. Then the actual situation flies past.

When I'm working on certain job or hobby projects, they are rewarding in themselves. I've got no problem staying focused on them even longer than I've reserved time. But then there are things such as meetings, lectures and talks where I often struggle to stay focused, especially if it's not super interesting.

In these situations, when the focus starts to get lost, my motivation shifts to trying to stay focused. I start missing what is being said. I can feel the tiredness approaching and I start pinching myself to stay awake. I register even less. I might start falling into hypnagogic state which has happened so many times that I've learned to doze off without my head falling.

I have to find new ways to focus in those situations. Or if it's not important for my work, to give myself permission to do something else such as doodle in my notebook.

#ActuallyAutistic #Monotropism @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 20 days ago to actuallyautistic

Discussed my quest for understanding my neurotype with my colleague who asked whether I've thought of getting a formal diagnosis.

"No, I haven't", I replied, "as I don't see what would be the benefit in it."

I'm coping quite well and I believe the new emerging understanding is going to help me find solutions to certain problems I encounter.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 22 days ago to actuallyautistic

As I said, the realization that I'm autistic disn't lead to that much of an identity crisis. It's way more about starting to understand how my brain actually works. It's continuation of what I learned in therapy, partly using tools that I acquired there. Some of the aha moments have left me with an open mouth after saying "fuck" to myself.

My thinking is partly based on intuition bundles, as I like to call them. In fact, I think my intuition is very well developed. I understand many things, including scientific topics, by intuition. However, putting that understanding in words might be a real struggle. In science, that's not a good thing. This is partly behind my dislike of partaking in scientific debate.

I've started wondering whether relying on intuition is some sort of strategy my brain has developed. As it gathers lots of information and fails to filter the crucial bits, maybe it has started to create these association groupings, that is intuition bundles. I feel things as wholes but might not be able to verbalize them.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 22 days ago to actuallyautistic Finnish

My previous actually autistic posts gave me some excellent answers and furthered my processing a lot. Thanks to everyone involved! 💜

I self-diagnosed very late. Some big reasons have been a) not having certain stereotypical qualities such as aversion of eye contact, and b) scoring between NT and autistic in many online tests. Interestingly, the realization that I'm autistic wasn't that big identity-wise. I've understood I have certain qualities ages ago. Instead of a change in my identity, it's been a big relief to understand why I'm this and that.

There's still lots to process though. I'm only now coming to grips with how my memory works, for instance.

Ordered two books on autism, Neurotribes and the Devon Price book. Really looking forward to reading those.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 26 days ago to actuallyautistic

I attended a party yesterday. As usual, I had trouble following people's conversation due to the background noise, zoning in and out. Suddenly I started thinking whether this is an autistic thing. I self-diagnosed last fall. Before that, I've just always assumed everyone has trouble hearing in those situations. Now I started wondering whether NTs can actually direct their attention to the discussion better in those situations. Any thoughts?

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic