@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

NicolaElle

@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw

Older trans woman, academic, teacher, researcher. Former engineer, former analyst, former administrator. Avid cyclist. Occasional woodworker and leatherworker and coffee roaster and beer and mead brewer. Trying to be a writer, both academic and non. Love sci-fi and fantasy. Complicated relationship with religion; trying to catch up on (and with) philosophy.

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

Impossible_PhD, to random
@Impossible_PhD@hachyderm.io avatar

So I was just contacted by someone who wanted me to provide some sort of evidence--evidence which I DO NOT HAVE--against a doctor WHO I HAVE NEVER SEEN OR BEEN A PATIENT OF. They wanted this evidence to bring a lawsuit against said doctor.

I told them I wanted nothing to do with anything to do with that doctor, and to leave me alone.

Not only did they not listen, they used the specter of Marsha P Johnson and Sylvia Rivera's resistance to try to shame me into helping them.

I am aghast.

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@Impossible_PhD what. The. Hell.

Impossible_PhD, to random
@Impossible_PhD@hachyderm.io avatar

So for soooooome reason, I'm high femme today.

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@Impossible_PhD @JoscelynTransient @theartlav Hi, Barbie!

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@Reborn_Cat_Mom @TonyaMarie @Impossible_PhD @JoscelynTransient @theartlav Hi, Barbie!

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@Willow @Reborn_Cat_Mom @TonyaMarie @Impossible_PhD @JoscelynTransient @theartlav Hi, Barbie! (I’m apparently Weird Barbie this evening.)

JoscelynTransient, to random
@JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw avatar

One of the funniest things about how my brain responded to having severe ADHD: i get hyperfocused on metaphors and then tangents within the metaphors until they spiral out of control and lose any coherence. 😅

It makes for some interesting observations...once own parses and clears the wreckage of my derailed train of thought. And the train derailed because it hit a cow and there's just metaphorical viscera and entrails all over the place anx now we need to call in a specialist technician to help get the train of thought back on track but they aren't available on weekends so we'll just have to deal with this metaphor being an absolute disaster....um, what was i talking about? 😅

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@JoscelynTransient I feel seen by this, eerily so…

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@JoscelynTransient Loose hinges, I think it says something that to describe my trains of thought would require more time than I have (on a plane right now).

So, quite literally, a plane is crashing on my train of thought. 🛬​

NicolaElle, to trans
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

And, in the latest installment of on trains…

DivineKestrel, to random
@DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

So, my original vaginoplasty consult was with OHSU, which is an amazing hospital and where I wanted to go. But the consult was in two months.

On a whim, I decided to set a consult with another doctor. I now have a vagina two months before the original consult.

Just as a point of reference people: A 20 month wait for a consult and another 20+ month surgery wait was avoided by looking around.

This falls into the "It can't hurt to look around" category.

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@DivineKestrel I felt like I was in a rush to get everything done before January 2025 - because fuck politics. I started talking with a place in mid-2022, after I publicly came out. 2023 was a whirlwind, when things really got rolling; the first letter got in January 2023 so I could book, and the last surgery occurred in December.

Start looking, people. Now. Before it becomes a lot more difficult.

JoscelynTransient, to random
@JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw avatar

Abigail! You didn't just pop out of a ladies room and scream "LET'S TALK ABOUT FEMBOYS!" 🤣​🤣​🤣​💀​💀​💀​

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@JoscelynTransient YouTubing is kind of like, oh... writing Ranma 1/2 fanfic, or playing Fallout: New Vegas. You might start thinking yourself the cissiest cis person ever. And then, eventually, figure out that you might have misspelled a couple of those words a bit.

Impossible_PhD, to random
@Impossible_PhD@hachyderm.io avatar

Ummm

Jesus christ I'm gay.

Gambit's energy, but as a girl?! 😳

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@Impossible_PhD Oh, my... 😳​

DivineKestrel, to random
@DivineKestrel@chaosfem.tw avatar

Something I think about sometimes is the difference between us late bloomers and the Trans kids now.

I look around at all the Trans women my age and it's like we're this weird cookie cutter form where the similarities are fucking eerie.

And I think of all the young kids now, and how there might be so much variation in the Trans community with those kids. How I hope none of them will be cookie cut-outs.

The sad truth is when I stop to think about it, I know why all the late blooming Trans girls are the same.

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@JoscelynTransient @DivineKestrel

"and they are just missing".

😢​

NicolaElle, to random
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

Three things, all beautiful, I don't recommend mixing at the same time:

Dilation
Verdi operas
@Impossible_PhD 's Stained Glass Woman

Excuse me while I cry now...

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@Impossible_PhD Coming out is... well, there is never one coming out. I think I counted about 16 different coming-outs? But I was reminded of three things. My first coming out at work with two friends, my public coming out a few years later, and the aftermath.

Rather operatic, all of it. 🎶​

laurahelmuth, to random
@laurahelmuth@mastodon.social avatar

Does anybody have a good term to describe people you used to respect who turned out to be horrible? Like Steven Pinker, J.K. Rowling, Richard Dawkins. It's like a milkshake duck but more consequential and even more disappointing

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@laurahelmuth https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FaceHeelTurn

RickiTarr, to random
@RickiTarr@beige.party avatar

Alien bar:

Alien: And then I told them build giant stone pyramids to keep your dead in, and you'll get to live in a glorious after life.

Bartender: And they believed you?!

Alien: Dude, they enslaved a whole group of people to do it!

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@RickiTarr

Same Alien Bar, 2.83 celestial orbits later:

Bartender: Haven't seen you around lately. What have you been up to?

Alien: You remember that planet where I convinced them to build giant stone pyramids?

Bartender: Yeah...

Alien: Well, I decided to go back down there to kind of fix things. Just give them a few basics of ethical calculus; you know, love one another, look after each other, appreciate the universe around you, that sort of rot.

Bartender: Did it work?

Alien: THEY NAILED ME TO A F***ING TREE! (sigh) I'm done with that planet. Done. Knowing those idiots, they'll probably enslave their whole world with what I taught them.

Impossible_PhD, to random
@Impossible_PhD@hachyderm.io avatar

Good god, the end of the term wears me out. -_-

NicolaElle,
@NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

@Impossible_PhD Today's work was kiboshed by a health issue, but I'm feeling you on this. Just exhausted.

rooster, to random
@rooster@chaosfem.tw avatar

deleted_by_author

    •
    NicolaElle,
    @NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @rooster Black lipstick is incredibly difficult to get right. I’m impressed.

    JoscelynTransient, to random
    @JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw avatar

    I don't think i can put into words how freaking sparkly these boots are! 🤩

    Wearing them to my work at the North County Queer Prom

    🏳️‍🌈 :QueerCatHeart_Trans: :ablobcatrave:

    Photo of my legs and feet, bedecked in wonderously sparkly bedazzled booties, black tights with hearts on them, and the end of my lavender dress

    NicolaElle,
    @NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @JoscelynTransient Beautiful, Joscelyn! 💖​

    Impossible_PhD, (edited ) to random
    @Impossible_PhD@hachyderm.io avatar

    You haven't heard from me on the Cass Report because I'm busy at work, and halfway through the last of the Oh Shit articles. I haven't had a chance to read it in any detail.

    But from the skimming I've done, and even early scholarly rebuttals, it sure as hell looks like a textbook example of how to produce sham science, even independent of its impact on trans kids' lives.

    NicolaElle,
    @NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @Nikkileah @Impossible_PhD @DivineKestrel :QueerCatHeart_Trans:​ The wave of grief and anger I felt from across the pond when the news hit was almost overwhelming.

    JoscelynTransient, to trans
    @JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw avatar

    One of the lingering questions the conference has left me chewing on: how many of us hid our queerness and postponed transitioning because we wanted to maintain access to middle-class privilege?

    How has this experience, in turn, informed how we think and talk about trans life and community? How often do we describe the "Trans Experience" (TM) from the position of white, middle class trans people trying to maintain access to class status and privilege? What does it mean that many of our claims to "Trans Rights" in the last few decades have been effectively a claim to an individual right to self-expression without consequence to our individual property rights and/or individual access to work, spaces, etc.?

    What does a real 21st century trans liberation movement look like?

    NicolaElle,
    @NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @JoscelynTransient A counter-question.

    How many of us thought we’d need middle-class privilege - or the remnants of it - to transition?

    And the answer to all of this can be summed up in one statement, that must be.

    None of us without all of us.

    Because the goal of the various power structures is marginalization, it is marginalization as a whole that must be combated - not just trans marginalization.

    JoscelynTransient, to trans
    @JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw avatar

    Me meeting Jules Gill-Peterson mere hours before she induced an existential crisis in me at the Trans Disruptions conference tonight 😅

    NicolaElle,
    @NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @JoscelynTransient 😍​😍​😍​ So happy for you!

    JoscelynTransient, to trans
    @JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw avatar

    TRANS FRIENDS:
    Would you be willing to let me share pictures of your transition timeline on my blog?

    There are so many of us that feel like it will be impossible to ever be ourselves. I want to show what social transition, HRT, and/or gender-affirming surgeries are capable of doing for us because I know that would have made a difference for me once upon a time.

    If you can reply or send me a direct message with your timeline or before/after images, and let me know whether you want your name/masto handle on it or if you would prefer to have no name/handle on it, I would really appreciate it! The piece in question will discuss a little bit of complicated history of the before/after transition images but then focus on the power of seeing how dynamic our bodies are and how much is possible through different kinds of transition. If you change your mind after sharing, I can always remove your images.

    NicolaElle,
    @NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @JoscelynTransient Might as well make it public, since we're sharing... here's mine. https://chaosfem.tw/@NicolaElle/111757725263406755

    NicolaElle, to trans
    @NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

    One last message for the .

    Just something I needed to get off - or maybe on - my chest… 😁​

    JoscelynTransient, to trans
    @JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw avatar

    TRANS FEM FRIENDS: What do you wish you could say to the person you were before transition who thought it was impossible to ever actually be a girl or be fem?

    I sometimes think back and find myself at a loss at what would have supported that girl best. She was so sad, hopeless, and often dissociated or in fight/flight/freeze/fawn over her distress with how she felt like she couldn't fit in the world. And like, I know "it gets better" or "it really is possible" wouldn't have gotten through.

    I talk to a lot of young trans folks who go through this still every day, and so would appreciate others thoughts on this!

    NicolaElle,
    @NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

    @JoscelynTransient Me now to that scared 21-year-old me huddled in her dorm room bed:

    “You know you need to be strong to get through this. You are much stronger than you know.

    I know you’re hurting. I know you’re scared. I know right now, this feels like a death sentence. It’s the opposite. It’s life; it’s your life, the one calling for you, the one denied you all this time. And, once you’re ready… on the other side of that, to finally live? It is GLORIOUS.

    It won’t be easy. You’re going to have to fight for the woman you’re going to become. But it’s worth it. She’s worth it. You’re worth it.”

    NicolaElle, to trans
    @NicolaElle@chaosfem.tw avatar

    Happy Trans Day of Visibility, everyone! Spent yesterday cruising through NYC with @JoscelynTransient ; we eventually found this nice little bar and had ourselves a drink.

    Be well, everyone, be visible if it’s safe, and have a good day!

    And, in a quiet moment, say the names for those who can’t be visible anymore.

    Joscelyn and myself, standing in front of the brick ediface of Stonewall Inn; the neon sign in the window glows in the background.
    Graffiti found in Brooklyn in rainbow colors: “Ditch the hate train, catch the love plane, Destination: Respect and Inclusion.” — Mama Leather.
    Graffiti. The names of victims of violence against marginalized groups, written in rainbow colors. Brandon Teena. Cherry Bush. Nikki Kunhausen. Marsha P. Johnson. Allan Calaca Junior. The Pulse Nightclub. Emmitt Till. Vincent Chin. SAY. THEIR. NAMES.

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