I have often said, and largely it's true, that I'm fairly open about being autistic. There are a number of reasons for this, but mostly it's because I feel that it's important to be as open as I can be. That by doing so I am hopefully opening people's eyes to the fact that autistic's can be anyone, the bloke they stand next to in the pub, the one they work with, the person they've known for so many years. That we can be any age and anyone.
But, to put this in some context. I live in a smallish town and have done so all my life. For various reasons I am quite well known. I am also male, and single and old enough and secure enough in my life not to give a damn any more. So the risks for me being this open aren't the same as they would be for others. A fact and privilege I am very aware of. I have also masked in a way that, I think, is possibly different from others. I found a way to be essentially myself. To highlight the aspects of myself that were acceptable and submerge the elements that weren't. In other words, I didn't really try and hide the weird, only the true depth of it. So the leap from "it's Kevin" to "it's Kevin and he's autistic" doesn't appear to have been that great for a lot of people.
Having said this, though, it is still not easy. Dropping the mask is hard when you're not sure what is actually mask and what isn't. The internal masking, the ways I learnt to hide so much from myself, is perhaps the easiest, if not the most painless. But the external mask still has so many elements and not all of them are easy to forgo, or even possibly be part of a forged mask any more anyway. Maintain a way of being and doing something for over 5 decades and really where's the difference between you and it?
Much has been said though, about the effort of maintaining a mask over a long period of time. The effects it can have on us. The way the drain of it is more and more likely to lead to burnout. The way that restricting our natural movements and behaviour is harmful, especially in the long run and to our mental health. And I certainly don't argue with any of this. I can feel that strain, the cost of it for me. I also can't help thinking about how much of my aches and pains, the injuries I carry, the growing infirmities, aren't just age related, but caused by how much I've stifled and restrained my body from moving naturally over the decades and the cost of that.
But, as much as this is motivating and helping me to learn to unmask, there is, of course, the other side of the coin. I didn't learn to mask on a whim, it wasn't for laughs and giggles. I was the outlier, the strange, voiceless kid, who came within a hair's breadth of being institutionalised. I was the one who had to learn how to fit in and above all be safe. For that is what masking allowed me to do, at least as much as it could. And this, for those of us who are older, is perhaps one of the major problems with trying to unmask. It's very possible that one of the very reasons that allowed us to live so long without realising we were autistic, was that our masks worked too well. Not just in hiding us, but in allowing us to fit in, in so many ways, if not obviously in all.
And certainly for me there is a deep functionality in the way that I mask. It allows me to behave and to communicate with others in ways that they are comfortable with and understand. Not so much with set scripts, but more a menu of available options, of both body language and speech, that have proved to be viable and effective. It has allowed me to exist in their world and even though I'm essentially a foreigner to it, in ways that don't make that so obvious. But start dropping the mask and that illusion is quickly shattered and then it becomes a lottery how people react. Confusion, rejection, aggression, hate and dismissal. All of these I have experienced and even trying to explain that I am autistic, rarely makes matters better. In fact, it's more likely to make them double down on the necessity for me to do it their way.
For that is what mostly happens. Try not to speak and they insist that I do so. Be too weird in my movements and the most random of strangers will suddenly be up in my face over it. Try to be myself and have to watch the reactions and atmosphere change. Because the simple fact is that most people don't like having to do any of the work or put in any of the effort required to bridge divides, especially if they know, or suspect, that you are more than able to make it so that they don't have to. It will always be up to us, for so many of them. I'm not saying that this makes them bad people, although some of them are, just human and with perhaps too much on their plates already. Extra effort is sometimes hard to justify or find for a lot of people
But all of this simply makes unmasking even more difficult for me. It's hard and not always practical to forgo the functionality of it. And also the safety of it, the reasons why I began to do it so long ago. That difference is still so often a target for so many people, not something to be understood, but attacked and taken advantage off and age doesn't make any difference to that. Even as an older white male, I have to take that into account. The fact that unmasking simply isn't always safe, in so many places and ways.
So will I ever manage it? Will I ever reach the point of being truly open and maskless? The way I want to be. Given my age and how much of it is ingrained and, by now, a part of me. How much safer and easier it can simply make my life, I have to admit that I'm not sure. Let's just say that it's still a work in progress and a hope as much as a dream.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic thank you for sharing this, Kevin. I doubt it will have been easy for you to share this very insightful piece, but for me (an allistic person, trying to understand autistic friends better) it is incredibly helpful.
@alstonvicar@actuallyautistic
Glad it helped and that you're making the effort. BTW the AskingAutistics hashtag is available if you ever have any questions.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic I’m being pretty open about being on the spectrum, and, to family & close friends, about my PDA.
Being an effective masker is a two edge sword, as I’ve found to my detriment.
The expectation that I always “be like that”, esp. since learning I’m on the spectrum and masking and what an energy drain it is, seems, frankly, overbearing.
Being a phenomenally talented masker has meant my dysfunction has been hidden for 50+ years.
@zaxxon@actuallyautistic
Very definitely there is a dark side to being able to mask effectively. Not least that so often it's very intent was to shield and protect us. But that means hiding the vulnerabilities and weaknesses that unmasking now reveal.
Accustomed to not seeing them, others can see them as being faked for affect and attention, rather than honesty. It means simply another way for them to be used against us.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic Thank you Kevin for sharing! I’m learning so much from you. I’ve tried to understand which part of my masking is deliberate and which part comes automatically. It’s been a challenge to separate myself from masking tbh. But I’m learning slowly. Thanks to kind people like you who dares to be vulnerable and share their experience. 💕
@farah@actuallyautistic
It's a work in progress for a lot of us and given how long some of us have been masking, perhaps one that has no end. :bear_hugs:
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic I'm 58 and got my diagnosis three months ago. I now know that I mask in different degrees of opacity, depending on the situation. This makes life more or less tiring. But what broke me was that I hid all this from myself. I literally had no idea that I could be autistic! I knew that I was different of course, but assumed that everybody felt that way...
@Meyltje@actuallyautistic
Indeed. For me, it was knowing that I was different, but thinking that I shouldn't be. And how much I masked internally came as a really big surprise. Even to the extent of how much my sensitivity to sound effected me.
So much of the work I've done to date, has been routing out all those internal masks, the lies and denials that I've told and accepted about myself and all to try and convince myself that I wasn't really as broken as I so often felt. It's so much better now to know that all I was, was as different as I always knew and to finally have a name for it. 😀
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic Yes. I'm still in the 'processing my life up till january of this year' stage. Getting to know myself a bit, I hope. I know I'm lucky being around accepting family and colleagues, in a job I'm suited for as an archivist. But still fighting against or at least recognising my own internal ableism...
@Meyltje@actuallyautistic
It takes time, no doubt about that. Biggest tip I can give you. Be kind to yourself. Not everything we did was stupid or wrong. So much of it was, the only way we could be at the time. Even the amount of ableism we absorbed was because, as often as not, we didn't know better. Still not easy to face mind and definitely always more to root out.
"In other words, I didn't really try and hide the weird, only the true depth of it."
This is how I Mask. I think. I was a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
This was the best I could do because being shy and quiet came naturally, but at puberty I was constantly told of my unsuitability as a woman because I failed Southern Bell training.
Early in adulthood I moved to a different US state and suddenly I wasn't too tall, I was showgirl height. My ability to state what I wanted was catnip to guys. Swan style transformation though I didn't change a bit.
Still didn't know I was autistic until I became sick from Burnout. I still don't know for certain... what's me and what's Mask?
But I think I know myself in a way that is rare among the population. I KNOW what I like.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic
Incredibly insightful.
Honestly I’m surprised I could even unpack all that mentally.
I think mostly because. While I was reading what you wrote my mind was creating.(To the best of my ability). For awhile I felt like I was time traveling in between scenes of a movie.
How long have you realized now total that you have been autistic? Did you spend a lot of time researching talking to other autistics in the community? I know I’m grateful to know you!
@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
I've always known that I was different. But it wasn't until 2017 that I realised that I could be autistic. It took me a long time to both get my head around what that could mean, and I'm definitely still working on that, and to really come to accept it. My final step was appearing here 18 months or so ago, my first ever attempt at social media, and one I was only prepared to take once most of the doubts had been erased.
It took me awhile because I had a lot on my plate over this time and I may have a slightly too well trained mind in terms of doubt and reason and the need to be sure and thorough.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic
I’ve think I’ve noticed a few things.
1.Masking is essential for human adaptiveness.
2.Confusion seems to be a precursor to learning.
3. It’s not whether you learned a lesson from the mistake, it’s how big you can make the jackpot of lessons from a single mistake, or better yet others.
4. When unmasking, be cautious, often parts of our foundational self is enmeshed with it. I’ve met more than one demasked person who lost part of their real character, or self.
@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
Yes, to all of these things. All people mask to a point. Ours just had to be so much more and yes, often entwined with elements of who we really were. Learning from our mistakes often led to their creation and I'm not even sure that should be cast aside easily.
The experience is invaluable(provided you survive) to know who you are, what you like ,and what you want out of life yourself, and sharing to help each other along the way.
Being resilient may be great, being kind and genuine to yourself and others may be just as important.
Sharing in life seems a requirement. It’s built in the system. Natures system relies on it.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic
…I’ve been thinking about your post and just finally replying with things I have learned as well. We seem to have many similar ideas and experiences.
I rapid unmasked, I basically went back to scratch. It was freeing, liberating, since I thought I knew my masks they seemed easy to cast away.
I also learned many people aren’t cognitively aware of how they even do it.
I didn’t know that was possible.
Haha. Humility and failure are one of life’s greatest teachers.
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