is the constant internal dialogue a function of Autism's "bottom-up" processing, or a function of shame-based masking?
I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to just act or speak without that layer. should I be trying to act/speak thru the layer of dialogue or should I just let it happen & be less anxious about it?
I guess I'm wondering if it comes from my masking coping strategies or if it's more ingrained and unavoidable #ActuallyAutistic
Depending on situation and people involved I script more/less. But I'll always reflect on the conversation afterwards quite intensively. This helps me readjust my "default settings".
Also, drama practice, including improvisation, has helped me a lot in developing close to natural "routines".
people and talk to them (physically or live online) to see if you talk to them any differently. You can then reflect and evaluate if you feel free scripting less or not at all. If yes, it's more connected to your mask and shame/guilt driven. If you still script the same, it seems more your natural way of communicating. And this then is natural to you, just not according to NT definitions.
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic thank you so much. drama work sort of intrigues me. I think I like the idea of it but that whole being spectated thing is ☠️ . with poetry, for example, I can freestyle when I am alone and create a cohesive piece but in front of others I freeze and spiral. I also love yr advice altho it scares me. I do need to journal more about those interactions...& finding deliberate groups like that makes sense. this is great advice. I want to see how that looks for me 🙏
About being watched: there might be a group that mostly works on drama techniques and not necessarily on staging a play.
And: being watched is less of a problem if I can detach myself from the role. It's not me acting there, it's roles I try out. Therefore it's completely safe to scream, cry, etc. I love playing a role when it's clear that I'm playing a role. It's not like masking at all where I pretend. In the role, I just act and don't think too much.
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic I love the sound of that … and it also sounds really frightening lol. Even just reading that makes me nervous… 🫠
But I love that approach bc it’s clear but it’s not either masking or unmasking and seems like it lets you access some good parts
Thank you for this. It’s v overwhelming and it’s difficult for me to think and feel thru this 🥺 but it feels validating to have everyone speak so thoughtfully. I really appreciate your support ❤️
@seanwithwords@actuallyautistic I associate that inner voice and pre-practicing with masking. This is especially silly noticeable for me when I’m communicating with strangers, and why doing so is very taxing for me.
I know there are times when those I don’t mask with wish I didn’t. But the message I try to import on them is that masking is exhausting. Don’t like me for my mask. Like me for my authentic self.
@btaroli@actuallyautistic I’m pretty apprehensive about whatever my authentic self looks like and after the other night I learned that even just thinking like my authentic self around my partner really messes me up
I feel like it might be easier to try to figure out my authentic self & then create a mask to wear that acts that way, instead of presenting as “raw me”. But that seems hilariously counterproductive. I’d rather stop thinking that way, but not sure if I can
The way I've stopped beating myself up about masking 24/7 is by realizing that I've been through a LOT in the last few years and now am targeted for destruction by the state (I'm trans). My "authentic self" is a sobbing, gibbering wreck by now, WITH GOOD REASON!
I can't be a shambling husk in public, so masking it is. I don't know if this helps anyone else, but it's helped me :)
@seanwithwords@actuallyautistic I run through a bunch of things before speaking to find the right way to phrase something to be understood. Either elaborating as much as possible, or trimming things down to the most simple terms. Miscommunication leads to having to communicate more. I'd rather not.
I do this less with people I know well, but that's because I already know how to communicate with them. Or more often, because they are also ND and communication is straight forward between us
@Aerliss@actuallyautistic "but that's because I already know how to communicate with them" -- would you say that you've applied a more efficient/automatic/healthier "mask" with them or do you feel like it's natural?
I had this thought yesterday that if I say something I've been ignoring/denying about myself, I'll suddenly now have the job of having to mask as that person instead of the person hiding those things. it felt distinct from the feeling I wanted, which was "I can just be 'me'"
@seanwithwords@actuallyautistic I have been far too drunk, far too many times, and been in far too many ridiculous situations with my bunch of ND weirdos over the last 20 years to get away with masking in front of them 😅
@seanwithwords@actuallyautistic I was lucky enough to find my tribe at university. It was a tiny university, in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere that just seemed to draw in people from the edges of society. There was no cinema, no shopping. All the pubs were old man pubs, with dogs and fire places. Full of hippies and farmers. Anyone not a little odd left very rapidly, as they just couldn't cope with the isolation from society. While some of us felt like we belonged for the first time.
@Aerliss@actuallyautistic very cool! I actually enjoyed my undergrad experience a lot. I had a large group of friends that were basically acquaintances with whom I wasnt really close, but it was such a large group that I blended in. thats been my experience a lot -- I'm sort of one of a group of friends but I'm never close with any of them. so those friendships don't last, and I haven't ever really been "myself" around anyone
@seanwithwords@actuallyautistic I hope you meet your found family one day. People who are your kind of weird, communicate in the same or a similar way to you, and accept you for you.
@actuallyautistic (by internal dialogue I mean the pre-scripting - even in the moment - as well as the layers of flow-chart-type thoughts that go thru my head as I methodically go thru all available options in regards to speaking/acting around people)
I've always scripted less with people I'm more comfortable with, so I think the inner monolog and "test runs" of my communication with others is in large part shame-based as you put it.
I'm starting to do it less now. Also I guess a certain level of it is just thinking before speaking, which is something more people should do anyway.
@neversosimple@actuallyautistic makes sense... so it's like, this is how my thoughts will work when they happen, and sometimes it's shame (masking) and sometimes it's just me orienting to a situation or person that sends me into those thoughts. fractal is such a good word for it. endless repetitions of the same complicated pattern in endless tangents. trying to keep track of each shape is so UGH
@neversosimple@actuallyautistic honestly I want to start speaking and acting without thinking because thats how I interpret "healthy." or, at least, to be able to do that in some situations. I want to feel ok speaking in sentences that might not make sense, or acting in ways that might surprise people without my feeling like I've broken a social agreement or severed a relationship
@seanwithwords@neversosimple@actuallyautistic oh well I meant that when I listen to mindfulness training a lot of teachers talk about how they have to bring their thoughts back, or release that stream of attention, or whatever metaphor they use and forgive themselves for the minds wandering, which seems similar to the situation you described.
I find it helpful at least.
@thesquirrelfish@neversosimple@actuallyautistic got ya. so, mindfulness does help here in some ways. actually that's the only reason I'm even aware of what is going on in my head. it is all about self forgiveness, or self compassion, and returning to the grounding point (breath, ground, mantra, etc) kindly. I am trying to be kind to myself about this, but I have a lot of internalized ableism and self-judgment about it
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