I’m not an nihilist, I’m the opposite of that. But facing my own mortality every second of life has hit me hard.
My sibling, You are not alone in living in constant terror of medical maladies that doctors have no interest in pursuing further than symptomatic treatment.
I am in the same boat. I have seen half a dozen doctors, all at great personal expense cause I dont have insurance, and been in the ER dozens times in the past 10 years.
and all I have is a handwave and “its probably anxiety”. Sure, I have anxiety. I have anxiety cause my heart rates over 200 for no reason. because my chest feels like an elephants sitting on it. because it feels like a flaming fist has Kali-Ma’d its way into my chest and is squeezing down in my heart. The anxiety didnt cause that shit. That shit caused the anxiety.
As proven when they stick that big beautiful syringe of Ativan or other powerful anxiety med in my IV and I go off to no-fucks given land, yet all my symptoms stay. Just now I dont care anymore cause I’m floating on rainbows amidst femboy angels.
But hey, my cardiac enzymes are good, and my EKG is clean (despite the 200bpm) so it just must all be in my head.