McSweeny's: Please Buy Tesla’s Cybertruck, Which Is Cool, Not Stupid

You ever been driving down the road when a crazed band of gangbangers rolled through your suburban neighborhood and blasted up the side of your truck with Uzis and Gatling guns for no reason? No, but you could easily imagine a scenario where that happens, right? Well, if your imagination became a reality, you’d need the only truck on the market that keeps pointing out it’s bulletproof for some reason.

Does your neighborhood have a billionaire who throws rocks at your truck window? No? Good, Cybertruck can’t handle that.

What if an anvil falls from the sky, or what if you drive into what seems to be a tunnel but turns out to be a realistic painting on the side of a mountain? It happens, dude—I’ve seen it on TV. Cybertruck could withstand that kind of stuff, but like, even more, Cybertruck is the only truck that will keep self-driving itself into the side of the mountain until it makes a real tunnel. In fact, Cybertruck could make a tunnel for a hyperloop from LA to San Francisco.

Edit: In case it isn’t clear, this is satire.

inclementimmigrant,

The look of this thing grows on you the more you stare at it. Look at it. Sharp, jagged edges. It looks like it’s from the future, but a very specific future that has been ruined by an increasingly out-of-touch billionaire.

Showing my age but honestly this thing looks like a early 90’s 3D game that’s got a incompatible driver and the textures have failed to load.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

I think of a bad 80s straight-to-VHS post-apocalyptic movie.

whereisk,

It looks like it’s from the future, but a very specific future that has been ruined by an increasingly out-of-touch billionaire.

Chef’s kiss

Anticorp,

Elon is Biff, and he somehow got his hands on the Sport’s Almanac.

tankplanker,

Has this been independently verified as bullet proof by a reputable company? As I have zero trust in any assertions from Tesla based on their previous demos of this.

ji59,

JerryRigEverything tested it and it stopped smaller bullets

tankplanker,

Like a cap gun? Lmao

Anticorp,

Car doors in 1935 could stop a 38 special with FBI semi-wadcutter loads. They stopped so many bullets that the .357 magnum was developed. Tesla is failing to do something that cars were able to do 111 years ago.

Furbag,

Bulletproof vs small caliber rounds, and even then, it’s really more like bullet resistant because if you hit the same spot twice, the second round will punch through.

sxan,
@sxan@midwest.social avatar

Everything is only ever bullet “resistant.” Have you ever seen the before/after picture of Fort Douaumont after the Battle of Verdun?

https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.WjrBzBOqRVJ9WXr71X4MywAAAA&pid=Api

Nothing is bullet proof. The CyberTruck is just more resistant than most, although I still don’t understand why. Sure he’s a QAnon nutjob, but I have to think it’s more secondary use for materials developed for SpaceX. They spent a bunch of time and money developing some interesting materials and decided to try to get more use it of it, and the whole bullet-proof bit was more attention-grabbing.

SpacetimeMachine,

They were using far more than bullets at Verdun.

Anticorp,

No. It’s not bulletproof. They proved that it’s not during their first demo where they tried to prove that it is. But for some reason they get to keep claiming that it is with zero repercussions.

BruceTwarzen,

There are videos that show it's kinda bulletproof, but not really.

jim_v,

Bullet resistantish.

Cqrd,

That one guy who sniffs Andrew Tate’s farts tested it and it didn’t seem to do very well.

SkyezOpen,

To clarify on these two points, Adin Ross literally sniffed the chair Andrew tate sat on after an interview, and also shot the fuck out of his cybertruck and eventually penetrated the door.

nova_ad_vitum,

Is satire even possible when sub degenerate people exist?

burgersc12,

There are plenty of videos of them being shot

Tylerdurdon,

That’s what I think every time I see one. I feel bad for those that have to drive one now. They just wanted to be trendy, now they’ll be laughed at wherever they go. It’s like MC Hammer pants but faster, and dumber.

Magister,
@Magister@lemmy.world avatar

hé, you can’t touch this was a superb song, #1 hit at the time! But yeah his pants were so-so…

kamenlady,
@kamenlady@lemmy.world avatar

So majestic, you mean?

WarlockLawyer,

Though because they didn’t release it as a normal single it never was able to top Billboard Hot 100. Did get to number one on Hot Black Singles though.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

“You Can’t Touch This” is also the theme of the Cybertruck. Touching it damages it.

psycho_driver,

I live in truck country and I haven’t seen one of these yet. I’ve seen some Rivians out and about though.

Chocrates,

Apparently they only have manufactured 3800 of them so far, so I feel like it’s gonna be a while before we actually start seeing them

APassenger,

I live near a super charger on the Bay Area. They’re definitely around and I don’t enjoy it for a few reasons.

Unsafe, heavy trucks with hoods that poke out past the bumper (or that’s how I eye it when I look).

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

The sharp bumper is the most frightening part, considering the weight.

APassenger,

Complete agree. “Perfect” height for head strike on young or shorter people.

It’s not enough to be that height, they pushed it out.

nilloc,

Plus it’s much thicker stiffer steel (that still rusts) so even a 6 footer like me is fucked if I get hit crossing the street.

Trucks need pedestrian safety standards and designs like this (and all the other stupidly tall grills) need to go first.

some_guy,

I live in the Bay Area and a coworker tells me he sees them every day. I walk to work, he drives. I’ve only seen one and it was parked.

Riven,
@Riven@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

I work in Irvine CA and I see them a couple times a week when I’m out for lunch. Might be the same guy or two though going to lunch at similar shopping centers.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

Here’s what’s crazy to me and this isn’t even a Cybertruck thing… I live in Indiana. There is, as far as I know, one Tesla dealership in the state and it’s a 90-minute drive. Almost 100 miles. I see so many Teslas driving around town. If anything serious goes wrong with any of them, they’ll have to have it towed all that distance. So crazy.

FlexibleToast,

Despite technically being a truck, they don’t really compete with trucks. Maybe they compete with Ford Raptors, but not “real trucks.” The only people that are going to buy them are the ones that think it is cool, which are probably not truck guys.

Anticorp,

Ford Raptors are most certainly real trucks. It’s a souped up F-150.

FlexibleToast,

Yes, but you buy it for the cool factor more than needing a work truck. It’s not a good comparison, just the best one I can think of.

Anticorp,

True. I thought about buying one because they do indeed look cool. But they’re too damned big to park in the city, and the extra wide wheelbase makes them a poor choice for small, back-country fire roads that lead to backpacking trailheads, which is what I mostly use my truck for.

SmoothLiquidation,

I live near Seattle and have seen them around me. I also went to San Francisco a few weeks back and saw several there.

We have TONS of Rivians too.

breadsmasher,
@breadsmasher@lemmy.world avatar

You keep bringing up safety concerns. Has your current truck ever trapped you inside after catching on fire? So why would you keep asking that about a Tesla truck?

Absolutely horrifying

Pacmanlives,

No, just my 71 Ford Pinto

Chocrates,

My friend is a Tesla fanboy and when that women crashed and drowned he wouldn’t hear anything bad about Tesla. For sure she was drunk, but my analog handles never stop working in a rainstorm.

supercriticalcheese,

You would think that a door mechanism that can be overidden from the inside would be a minimum requirement on a car. But on a Tesla it’s not.

Anyone understands why they insist on doing this? Is it to save money on the override mechanism?

Chocrates,

Fanboys are gonna point out that it CAN be overriden inside, but to my knowledge it is behind a panel you have to pry off. I don’t know why it is gone, it could be Musk thought it was cool, but Tesla takes a lot of analogue inputs and makes them digital to save money, so that would be my guess.

nilloc,

Like the glovebox that is only opened by an icon on the screen?

Chocrates,

Didn’t know that was a thing but yeah. That is less of a safety issue than missing door handles or the removed turn signal stalk.

supercriticalcheese,

I would say that a missing door handle in an emergency is also an issue if you need to exit the vehicle suddenly and car electronics are gone…

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