How the %π$@!? do I make good friends when it feels like everyone around me are those cactuses that look super soft and cuddly but actually will stab you if approached
It just feels exhausting and hopeless lately and I’m afraid I’ll just end up being lonely forever.
/vent over, thank you, carry on. Please don’t absorb my upset into your own heart.
Right there with you. It would be so awesome to find friends who are equally earnest and dedicated. I’m a shirt-off-my-back kind of person face-to-face and it’s like mooches and cluster Bs can smell me a mile away. Might have something to do with cPTSD or being neurodivergent in my case.
My spouse reflects my efforts 110% so I truly have no business complaining, but it’s nice to dream.
I know the feeling. Sadly, I don’t have inspiring methods of trying to make friends that don’t suck. I feel like the ship has sailed for me. I have maybe two friends. And neither of them are close by enough to do anything with them, in person, on a regular basis.
I resented this for some time, but I’m now in the acceptance phase and am simply trying to enjoy what I can for however long I can. I’m fortunate to have a spouse who seemingly wants to be with me (hopefully not out of habit :) ). So I have some good things in my life, just not any nearby trustworthy and caring friends. And I think I’m at a place now where I can live with that, but there are some times it makes me sad.
I think part of the problem is simply that people are trying to figure-out what “good & proper boundaries” means, for them, and since nobody’s got themselves together
( our world is engineered to sabotage self-competence: the self-competent can’t be preyed-upon as completely or easily as the compromised, therefore self-competence isn’t permitted.
As John Taylor Gatto, a New York State award winning teacher told us, children with secure self can’t be manipulated, and therefore the education institution cannot tolerate children to have secure self.
Breaking them, so they are dependent on approval, is required, for institutional authority/security/dominion.
All the spyware that surveillance-capitalism does, the “panopticon” we bought our way into, is the same thing, but for-profit, and for-corporatism. A “designer prison”.
Comically, it’s fundamentally about competing addictions, with social-status being tied to sociopathy, in some corporate cultures. )
since nobody’s got themselves together, we’re all defective in doing relationship properly, because the fake relationship pushed on/in previous generations ( looking at the 1950’s for its fakeness, as the worst ) meant that their relationships were … often fundamentally ignoring & pretence based.
Try enduring a few minutes of “The Waltons” and see if you can stomach the “relationships” in it…
it was popular!
People believed in that, as hard as they could.
Getting bogusness out from ourselves has to happen in order for us to get it out from our relationships, right?
You make good friends by first finding people who care about whatever you do.
A trick to hook them up, is to ask them to do a small favor for you, that way they’ll feel subconsciously invested in your well-being so you can pay them back. But, never explicitly pay them back, or they’ll feel free to ditch you; good friends “owe each other”, strangers “are even”. This is particularly applicable to actual money; lending a friend (any important amount of) money, then having them pay it back, is a pretty effective way to lose a friend.
After that, you’ll still have to weed out the backstabbing two-faced assholes, but at least you’ll have a larger pool of non-assholes left.
…at least that’s the theory, until you get tired and grumpy enough that you’d rather get a shotgun and a “NO TRESPASSING” sign.
The only advice I can give is to ask yourself regularly if the people you are hanging around “suck”. Pay attention when being around a person drains your social battery more than normal, or when that person can’t seem to find common ground with you.
Surround yourself with people who support you, but don’t let people who get you down remain around you.
You may need to explain that you have some version of neurodiversity to new friends (Please, substitute “some version of neurodiversity” with necessary information about yourself that you feel comfortable in sharing) and that you have a limited social battery. Assure them it’s probably nothing personal; you just need to recharge. Explain that certain things or situations may drain your energy faster; or overwhelm you into having anxieties. Quickly cut out anyone who appears to be taking advantage of that.
Most importantly, be with people who have the same interests as you do. That breaks down more barriers than most things.
I just made a friend recently by tagging along with someone I met while walking the dog at the park and chatting with them. First friend I’ve made in ages but it feels good to have tried something and it worked.
Having a pet you can walk outside is a great way to get to know other people who also have pets they walk outside. And most of the time, they will like their pet, so that gives some nice common ground to start conversation from.
Personally, I met about 90% of our acquaintances from this town and the one we lived in before through walking our dogs regularly and talking to other people who often also were walking their dog(s) regularly.
Yup! In fact, a big part of the reason I got a dog was to have something that forced me to touch grass every day, and so that I had a natural reason to strike up conversation while out in the world.
I think the best way to find people you truly connect with is to pursue your interests.
I like sports and unconventional, strange people, so for the last decade I’ve been part of the roller derby and theatre communities in my city.
That said, any time you open up to anyone you’re risking heartbreak. That is always going to be the case. It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth the risk in the end. I say that as someone who’s more than happy alone.
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