Any time I even for a second think about what it would be like to not be married, I remember that even finding a date, let alone dating, in 2024 sounds exhausting, so I remind myself to be thankful for what I have. I’m sorry for those of you who struggle finding a long-term partner.
I’m in my fifties and divorced. I never liked approaching girls to ask for a number so the apps were a blessing. It took that whole insecure awkward walk out of the equation.
Now being a disposable thing that people are constantly trying to get a better upgrade on, that I hate.
I could see that, and I had that trouble myself when I was young and probably still would now, but the whole ‘swipe left’ ‘swipe right’ thing and having to go through a bunch of random online chats with random people until you find one willing to go get a beer with you and then hope that you contact them back after their unstated but required minimum number of days and that they will agree to get a beer with you again… it just sounds so exhausting. Even just making a profile which would have to be tailored to get people to want to date me sounds exhausting. And I barely even have any pictures of myself, let alone ones I think would work on a dating profile. I don’t have the energy anymore. I think I’d just end up being single for the rest of my life unless something happened by chance. I have a few terminally single friends my age. They appear to have stopped looking.
Yeah that’s me right now and it is rough. Now that my dating profile is a few months old literally the only likes I get now is a bot or two about once a week. I honestly think the best way is to join some type of club or group, socialize with people there, and maybe it eventually leads to a relationship.
As much as I understand your opinion, I’m really struggling to understand how couples meet outside of apps now. I’ve been in a long-term monogamous relationship for more than 20 years, I’m completely out of the loop.
Oh man, I know that feeling all too well! MySpace was a thing when I was last dating, so it’s like an entire world has passed by. A while back, I was at a bar with a friend, and he let me swipe through Tinder on his account while he got a round in, and having that kind of easy access to dating when I was younger would’ve been absolutely petrifying.
having that kind of easy access to dating when I was younger would’ve been absolutely petrifying
To fair many don’t see that as “easy access to dating” but as a fast track to public humiliation. For me it would be like those apps don’t exist, I’d never use them.
I think there need to be social locations like bars for people who don’t drink (or don’t drink a lot) but do use cannabis. Weed “bars” where you can have a similar social situation with a different type of social lubricant that gets people talking.
That still wouldn’t cover everyone, obviously, but it would add to the mix.
I’ve used MeetUp to find local events geared towards single folks. Some groups are really good…others not so much. It’s helped me get used to socializing and meeting new people again though.
I honestly don’t even know how to socialize anymore let alone date.
Fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be, my relationship history has me so jaded, that I really don’t have any desire to date.
If I did desire such a thing, I have no idea how I would go about it. There aren’t any more physical community places unless you wanna go get shitfaced in a bar, and I’m long since past those days.
Have been in a monogamous relationship for a while as well. I think that the rreliance on apps is a false need, cultivated to make more money on said apps as their goal isn’t to lose customers by finding good matches but to keep extracting profits. There’s a significant conflict of interest that makes me think that they are little more than a scam that ocassionally helps people hook-up despite the companies’ best efforts.
Glad that I don’t have to deal with dating and dread the idea that I may have to in the future because I hate it but my suggestions would be:
If looking to cultivate something with long-term potential, put relationship goals on the backburner and participate in an interest that has a possible social component. If one is genuinely interested, they will find people who find them interesting.
If looking to get laid, probably bars in the US (unfortunately, not usually a great place to meet people just looking to socialize, unlike Ireland or the UK).
Alternatively, if one is into kinks or curious and able to be not creepy (can be extra challenging for single men), getting involved with a kink/fetish community that does non-play meet-ups might be a good option. As noted, it can be a bit of a challenge for single men to get accepted, but is not impossible. This is because such groups tend to be very zealous about protecting their community and single men have historically been higher-risk for abuse, assault, and not honoring kink contracts. (As a man, I don’t like the discrimination but do understand and agree with it as I’d rather some guy get hurt feelings than someone end up in the ICU or a dumpster).
If consenting adults are meeting one another in a public space
“Consent” is a problem when men try to hit on women using headphones, or when people don’t get the hint that you really don’t want to have a conversation with strangers.
But that’s more an issue of modern society’s overall problem with lack of courtesy, not a specific problem when it comes to trying to find a girlfriend of boyfriend.
That’s the thing, you never could know. Back in the old days you would ask things like “hey you wanna maybe go out sometime” but now since that itself is an affront for which you can be publicly shamed without needing to be pushy or make unwanted physical contact, the only places acceptable to meet people are the bars and apps. I think the only way to fix it is to either create new public spaces centered around dating that don’t center around alcohol, or to culturally shift back a little from “it isn’t ok to ask a woman out anywhere but the bar” to “asking people out is ok as long as you take no for an answer the first time and don’t push, and don’t touch 'em.”
Also you bring up an interesting point: consent to being talked to. If one needs to give consent to be talked to, and one cannot give consent under the influence of alcohol, then one cannot be spoken to while drinking, therefore I deduce the bar is the most inappropriate place to meet women and the gym is leagues more appropriate since everyone is mostly sober there. Watson! Get my gym shorts! (Yes this part was a joke, I hope the Sherlock Holmes reference was a clue to that.)
I think the biggest problem is that people go straight to trying to flirt or hit on someone… We’ve spent too much time on Tinder where it is sending as many one-liner pick-up style openers that people start to think that is a normal way for an interaction out in the world to go. Generally, the majority has forgotten how to talk to people face to face in real life in a normal and appropriate manner.
Also, if they are now married with children, I have to assume they met a few years ago and at least possibly, maybe even likely, it happened before the shit hit the fan like it has now. The dating world has been rapidly changing over the last few years.
Sounds like what you propose is some common sense for the ones trying to hit on someone who’s not interested. And I would say that would make sense everywhere, not only in the gym
It sounds like the way those people act would be a big problem anywhere, and they probably wouldn’t abide by any new etiquette rules unless the gym was ready to lose money by throwing them out. And even in that case, they could just follow their target to the parking lot which would probably be even more uncomfortable and scary.
People SHOULD be safe from harassment no matter where they are. But I think any place that brings people together is going to eventually create some relationships.
I don’t think it’s an unpopular opinion so much as unrealistic one.
Cultivating your body at the gym means you will look attractive at the gym. This is just how the human body is, and the gym is a place for everyone. If you don’t like that it’s a place for everyone, go outside. There are plenty of things you can do with just your body weight to stay healthy. You can get your own weights, as well. You do not need to destroy your body systematically in order to maximize gains and aesthetic in order to stay healthy. If you decide to do so, you take what comes with it. “It” being gym bros hitting on you during your workout. Simply turn them down and move on.
I agree that it’s unrealistic, but for a different reason. So long as the gym is one of comparitively few acceptable public spaces for people to “socialise with intent of romance” people will flock to it for that reason. Any gym that enforced some kind of ‘no flirting’ rule is incurring a real financial risk.
I couldn’t* care less what it reads like to you, in your world nobody talks to anyone and everything is black and white. I’m good, I won’t ever want to live in your world.
In yours, people is entitled to bother anyone at any time, and I’m pretty sure that nobody takes “no” for an answer, so I’m pretty sure your interlocutor wouldn’t want to live there, either. Neither do I.
Yep, I can see how you’d think someone who says these words would also think that it’s ok to harass someone. Your logic is incredible, please continue.
Turning a legion of hopefuls takes time and a mental toll. Not wanting to deal with that effort is perfectly legitimate. I know you don’t think so, but it is.
Hitting on people is equivalent to racial segregation and centuries of hatred…? Besides that whole can of worms, how did your parents meet? My dad hit on my mom at a summer camp. I met my wife by hitting on her at a store. Hitting on people is the most traditional way people hook up. Weird to me that people are trying to demonize public flirting.
You’re one of those super special ‘introvert’ people, that aren’t really introvert, but just anti-social, right? What have the bad, bad extroverts done to you? Did you have to leave your house and go to work? Or did you even have to talk to a cashier yesterday. Poor soul.
And you are one of those “forced social” who accost people with headphones when you’re bored or horny, and then call the uninterested women “bitches” and the uninterested men “assholes” when you don’t engage directly in fights with them, right?
You’re not entitled to people’s attention or interest.
You’re a dumbass. I never engaged anyone with headphones, because that’s a clear sign of not wanting to communicate. Your dumb mug isn’t one. Maybe you should stay in your 4 walls or wear a sign with ‘I’m an anti-social twat, so don’t talk to me.’, if you don’t want anybody talking to you ever. Smartass.
You’re a dumbass. I never engaged anyone with headphones, because that’s a clear sign of not wanting to communicate.
That may be true (I doubt it, but whatever), but legions of guys don’t care about that kind of hint.
Maybe you should stay in your 4 walls or wear a sign with ‘I’m an anti-social twat, so don’t talk to me.’, if you don’t want anybody talking to you ever. Smartass.
Yeah, I see how engaging with you it’s certain to be a delightful experience.
Humans are social creatures by nature. Some of us prefer to be left alone, but others welcome the company and advances of strangers. I don’t think it makes sense to demonize people for wanting to be left alone, but respect goes both ways. People are going to flirt. People are going to like it, other people aren’t. Everyone is valid. Reject and move on. Be rejected and move on.
This is lemmy, there is no “downvote to oblivion”.
The default algorithm here basically sorts by new while the thread is fresh and downvoted comments aren’t hidden.
I think, the rule of not being bothered if you don’t want to communicate should be applied everywhere. Also, I find it healthier if people talk to each other at least a bit, but I mostly attended a gym with a stable population (and quite a long time ago, unfortunately) so that may have affected my opinion
Tell that to the women that go to my gym with their asses hanging out. I mean I’m honestly offended because I’m here to spend time with myself in self-reflection and conditioning but now it’s ruined because I’m asking myself all kinds of questions like “how much little validation does she get from life that she needs to do that? And she’s looking around, scanning for eyes. She knows wtf she’s doing. Women will complain about being sexualized as an object and then do shit like this! If she needs male attention that badly, why here, of all places? Does she not have parents? I’d hate to be this girls father. Then again, there probably isn’t a father in her life if she’s going out like this. I mean it’s not even an aesthetic body! If you have sculpted leg muscles, etc then fine. You’ve earned the right to show that off. But this chick doesn’t even have a noteworthy ass. The only thing noteworthy is that it’s outside of her shorts. Why the fuck would you do this to me? I’d still hit it though.”
Yeah I refuse to believe that any synthetic fibre clinging that tightly to you can be comfortable. Heck i’ve spoken to a lot of women who would rather wear something more modest & comfortable but can’t find it because the stores don’t stock it.
No, I'm not commenting on your reasoning. How you are living is called celibacy. Like monks and priests are (supposed to be) celibate. We don't have to talk about their reasons for that to be the case.
I should have used the word “attractive” really. Regardless, what I think about them isn’t at all related to my own stunted desires or whatever. I’m actually really sick of having to explain to girls how my rejection isn’t an insult and the conversation usually leading to me talking about how shit I think life is.
Hey, you can copy yourself and make your copies live in this miserable world all you want. Maybe they’ll even like it if they’re like you. My copies would be miserable and thank me for not making them have to exist.
I don’t think this fits the worst she can say is ‘no’ since he broke his foot to try and force a yes. Seems much harsher if she didn’t even show basic human compassion because she would have to spend time with him.
I am the watcher. Follow me as we ponder the question “what. if.”
In the original timeline the girl drove me to the hospital. But in this different timeline Steve Rogers walked in the door of the gym asked the girl on a date and carried me to the hospital…
You gotta drop a weight heavy enough to land in hospital rather than attract disgusted looks from the loud sound it makes… The teary pained face while asking for favors can’t be that great a first impression.
And then all the helpful weightlifting gym dudes help you out while the girl you like looks on and then goes back to her workout because they’ve got this.
I feel this in my soul. Same way, notice a cute girl a work don’t want to be the creepy guy at the office, see a cute girl working at the movie theatre, no this is her job, she doesn’t need that at work. This is why I’m single 😅
The annoying thing is that the annoying guys are more likely to get a date, while they just go about their day. Not because they are better, or because their methods are good, but purely because they approach more people.
I hate making people feel uncomfortable (no matter their gender), so I always struggled finding “spontaneous” dates, or even dancing with strangers at a club/party.
The only thing that really worked for me was using dating apps, where both parties have implicitly indicated that they are looking for dates in general (because they’re on the app) and explicitly indicated that they are interested in each other (by liking their profile, or whatever).
Although I’ve heard the apps have all gotten worse lately, I wouldn’t really know, as I found someone on Tinder years ago, and now we’re happily married.
I’ll be honest, as long as you don’t make it weird you can approach a lot of people be they’re on the job or not. If they’re on the job just ask them about the journey so far. Like, they’re also human you can treat them as such.
Yes, and if I have my headphones on at work, that means I’m focusing on something and you shouldn’t bother me unless it’s important. That’s what it means for most people. It certainly doesn’t mean “this is a good time to ask me out.”
Many people, over many life times. If you can’t handle the mess of things not working out, you’re much better off not hunting where you work. But hey, maybe you can be one of the lucky few!
Eh. It can kind of cause a lot of problems in the workplace, and not just for the people dating… Especially if somebody is the type to get jealous if you have to work with their partner on something, which is sadly not uncommon. If you’re mature and can deal with it… fine. But, frankly, there’s plenty of fish in the sea and it’s probably better to date outside of work (or at least your team) for everybody.
People say stuff like that but the thing is, work is where you spend most of your time. It’s where you meet the most people, if you are going to find someone who you want to date it’s quite likely it will be the place you spend most of your time.
I’ve seen work relationships go very badly but I’ve also seen them go very well. I met my wife at work so it worked out great for me.
Best advice I can give is, if you want to date people you work with, make sure you’re ok with quitting your job. If things go south it might come to that. Use good judgement. Don’t date your boss or one of your subbordinates. That’s a great way to get fired out of a canon.
My brother-in-law dated a co-worker for a few weeks a couple of years ago but he went over-the-top like with most things in his life, so things went south fast and now it’s been difficult between them at work ever since. He is definitely not okay with quitting his job, and apparently neither is she, so now they’re stuck with each other, so I would say it’s a very tricky needle to thread.
You’re not wrong. There’s nothing wrong with asking once. Take the answer for what it is, yes, great, no, then it’s no and you’re done. It’s all easier said than done though for me.
I think it kind of depends on the kind of social interaction. I imagine there’s a difference between catcalling someone, and expressing genuine interest in getting to know one another. But I probably shouldn’t be one to talk about things social.
No, I’m often hit on by gay guys for some reason. When they take no for an answer (and they almost always have) it’s just flattering. Sometimes they’ll insist on buying me a drink anyways, and we’ll talk like two straight guys would, sometimes they even wingman for me.
A few times it seemed like they thought they might be able to turn a no into a yes - that’s not comfortable, and that’s exactly what you should never do in that kind of situation
But being asked out respectfully by people who genuinely accept the answer at face value? No, I don’t think that part gets old, everyone likes feeling desired.
You do have to genuinely and immediately drop it though - the fear you won’t is probably concerning to women, but women generally want relationships too.
Women dream of romcoms, not the over the top obsession part (that’d cross so many lines in reality) but the idea of a great partner dropping into their life… Most people don’t love cars
Ideally, you’d pick up on the receptiveness before you ask and give them a way to say no without actually saying no (like if they say they’re busy and don’t give an alternative day, you just say too bad and pretend like it never happened), but that’s not something everyone understands or can be communicated clearly
I won’t pretend to be an expert on the matter since I’m very much alone, but in my experience it’s something that happens more organically, through common interests and such. It’s more of a process, less of a transaction.
What you describe is absolutely the way to do it without looking weird. Don't be aggressive about it, accept a no or an awkward silence or similar as being a no, respond in a pleasant tone and not an aggressive one, and you should be pretty good to go without being seen as a creep, as long as you don't repeat it later. Of course, don't make a point of going around hitting on women in gyms or who are at work, but it can be done tactfully.
There’s no need to even ask them out right away. Just having a casual conversation and making them speak of their interests can warm them to you.
Are they your coworker? Sigh at how needy clients are, tell how you want to have a break, ask what they want to do when they have them. Discuss details.
A cinema worker is harder, but you can play a dummy and ask them if they see the movies screened there and can vouch for some of them or if they can suggest some snack from a bar, to break the ice.
People like talking about themselves. All have hilarious stories to tell. One needs to make them open up and react in a supportive way. Looking up interviewers on youtube can get one a better idea of how it’s done than these greesy pick-up artists. Genuinely enjoying a conversation rather than being hungry for a pussy\dick and making it all about yourself is a great start.
No, you flex your social skills by trying to get to know the person you’re, at this point, only physically attracted to. These are all things a normal person who doesn’t need dating advice knows. But here we are, spelling it out for those I the back of the class.
I think they meant you learn more about their personality to know if you want to be with them in the first place. Why wouldn’t you want to learn more about someone you want to be with?
I wonder how you’ve read my message to get this take. I’m reading that standing on my head and still can’t see how it’s about picking up. Picking down, maybe, yet it’s questionable. Asking another person of their life isn’t picking someone down, it’s just showing interest in them and letting them tell something about themselves. It’s a basic courtesy. And it probably started relationships of parents of many people in this thread, yours and mine included. It’s just a normal dating starter. While pickdown (pickup?) is a snake oil strategy that promises one to get a pussy while ignoring another person completely and it doesn’t really work that way unless you pay for a sexworker’s service. And I don’t think OP wants that at all. If they want a normal relationship, making a future partner talk about something they like is a good starting point - that’s what I was talking about.
If you go in trying to bed them you’re likely going to crash and burn.
Just try to make them a friend it’s a win win win because if you hit it off then you get a friend, if the attraction is reciprocated you may get relationship, if they aren’t interested in you but see you as a good person they may try to set you up with a friend of theirs that is single.
Nah, at their work they can’t reject you properly if they’re giving a service and their work is listening to you. That’s abusing your position as client.
If you’re in the US, you live in a country where it’s OK to insist on trying to talk to uninterested strangers if you’re bored, even if they’re clearly uninterested. So yeah, I get why you wouldn’t get it.
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