Being aware of this temporary hell that many of us visit from time to time can help to cope with it. It helps, too, to know that you are not alone in feeling this way sometimes, and that your feelings are lying to you when they tell you that you don't deserve to live.
I think we react this way because of trauma. I don't think it's intrinsic to our brain wiring. The world tells us so often that we are human garbage. You are not garbage. Every human life has value, including your own.
Usually it hits me all at once, like a visceral gut punch. Instant shaking, dizziness, waves of nausea.
But sometimes it creeps up. This sick feeling of panic & anxiety slowly rising. Like I'm trapped in a confined space filling up w water.
What triggered it this time? Well, I've been going thru my Following list re-following people & it turns out over 2 dozen gardening folks I thought followed me...don't.
And hello RSD. Each unfollow I find triggers another wave of shame & embarrassment. I feel like such a fool for letting myself feel comfortable in the gardening community.
It's that "autistic kid who believed she had friends & thought she belonged only to overhear them making fun of her behind her back" feeling.
Not that anyone here has been unkind. It's just my brain's screwed up way of torturing me. A demon whispering my worst fears at me.