Dani

Dani, 14 days ago to random

Saw Laura Jane Grace last night and... well. Damn.

That's pretty much the first time I've gone out other than in boymode. Plus meeting friends, plus seeing music from One Of Us.

Well.

Good times, to say the least. And wearing one of my Girl Draws Ghosts shirts there made me smile too... 💜

Dani, 21 days ago to random

Happy Saturday! Quiet one here; a little yard work, making some things, etc.

Dani, 24 days ago to random

Went to bed at 9 last night as a kind of extreme "I'm tired what if I actually got more sleep?" experiment.

Holy hell. How much of what's been wrong with my thinking has just been that?

Like I don't think that fixes everything but wow.

Dani, 1 month ago to random

Anyone else ever get the feeling you're being gaslit and or the butt of jokes, kept around by the in-group because you won't realize?

It's just a bunch of things that crop up when people spin narratives describing their inner experiences, motivations, sensations, etc. IDK.

Like, I don't think it's literally actually happening, I don't think I matter enough people would bother, but... so much stuff where it feels like I Don't Get It.

Dani, 1 month ago to random

Mocked some trolls on twitter yesterday while bored at work. I almost want to do an effort post regarding thoughts on the supposed immutability of sex, how I see general goals of this whole thing, etc; a lot of trolls kept saying that shit and it was astonishing at how much it misses the point at least for me.

Dani, 1 month ago to random

42 is one of those numbers that has embedded meaning for any Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy fans.

It's also my age today.

I choose to see meaning in this.

Dani, 1 month ago to random

Today is a lousy day in my personal calendar. 6 years since my first daughter was stillborn. Just a freak occurrence, nothing that could have been done, but.

She was loved, and wanted, but it wasn't to be.

Dani, 1 month ago to random

TDOV?

You know... in greater context of everything, I don't feel like being more visible than I am. Materially supported would be nice but don't know that I should hold my breath on that either.

Enh. Just heading towards a month of emotional rollercoaster stuff.

Dani, 2 months ago to random

So OK, I know why it happens - when I'm stressed out, I get more and more focused on what's necessary to keep going and stuff. But the fact that means when things are bad I'm simultaneously backing away from any semblance of self care, uh, sucks.

No answer, just a thought.

Dani, 2 months ago to random

Worrying about my hip. At the part of things where the prescription steroids schedule is tapering off and it's... a lot better than before? But clear the drugs were masking some things. And sleeping on my back to not re-aggravate is messing with my low back now.

Dani, 2 months ago to random

Who has two thumbs and no cartilage in her hips? This bitch!

Ow. Crap.

Docs want an MRI to be specific... may be resolvable for a while with a shot, may be replacement surgery. Whee.

Dani, 2 months ago to random

Bike ready! Just air and bar end heat shrink instead of tape.

End of a bicycle handlebar with heat shrink tube over the end

Dani, 2 months ago to random

On the downside, kid still sick and wife had some stuff where I was concerned and I'm staying home to make sure they're both OK today. Work's not too busy right now and I'm salary so w/e.

Upside? No boymode today.

Dani, 3 months ago to random

Oh yeah, did Terra get lost in the chaosfem kerfluffle?

Dani, 3 months ago to random

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8flGaeMP0JM

Exploring queer punk of various descriptions lately and... just hit home, so hard.

Not there yet but it feels possible lately.

Dani, 3 months ago to random

... actually think I hit the "randomly crying a lot more" part of transition, finally, 21 months into HRT.

Well, OK, it's probably years or decades of repressed feelings seeping their way out finally, and backlog that I have to work through before something better. Or something, I'm new to this.

Dani, 4 months ago to random

Hmmm. I keep feeling that in a lot of aspects of transition I'm not where I want to be - not, I emphasize, with physical changes, those are happening, it's all "fine" (you know, want things to be going faster, impatient, standard shit I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm not feeling, but "fine", within reasonable parameters)

But in terms of figuring out who I am or want to be, what I want my life to look like, hell, unlocking emotional spectrum... in so many ways in my head I feel unchanged.

Dani, 5 months ago to random

Weird, I'm getting a lot of new followers this weekend. They feel like real people but just... who the heck am I?

Dani, 6 months ago to random

So this is me, but... one of the things I was cautioned about on transtwitter (or that I saw others cautioned about and took to heart) was parasocial relationships. And I saw it so many times, people assuming a closeness with people that wasn't warranted because those people responded to them.

The problem... from my point of view... is with the bits of my brain that assume I'm not important? And that miss cues?

I kind of wonder how many more people think of me as a friend than I'd expect.

Dani, 6 months ago to random

Oh, uh, neat. My first unsolicited chaser DM on twitter. With some sort of image that the site didn't display because I don't know them. I'll... not exercise curiosity about that.

Dani, 6 months ago to random

Tfw I start to try to post a selfie then can't stop negative self talk in the alt text. Thanks brain, I was feeling OK before that

Dani, 6 months ago to random

Uh. Huh. Endo prescribed a progesterone compound, but having taken wife's surplus micronized progesterone as an experiment which, supposedly is same efficacy...

Uh. That. Does not have the same effects.

Dani, 6 months ago to random

Oh hey, wait a sec - 18 months HRT today!

Dani, 7 months ago to random

... OK. Just... say... for argument's sake... how does one go about deciding on / etc a surgeon for bottom surgery?

Dani, 7 months ago to random

... thing I notice. I tend to go a lot more off the rails on shot day - I do mine in the evening, and during the day leading up to that, gosh.

Guess what yesterday was? 😅

That's not to say that anything I was going on about was untrue, just... a lot closer to the surface. And feeling like I had a lot less agency to deal with it.

What I'm figuring out though is... sort of a mental lever to shift perspective; actually working hypothesis is in some degree of Plural way but whatever, details.