Dani

Dani, 6 months ago to random

Uh. Huh. Endo prescribed a progesterone compound, but having taken wife's surplus micronized progesterone as an experiment which, supposedly is same efficacy...

Uh. That. Does not have the same effects.

Dani, 1 month ago to random

Today is a lousy day in my personal calendar. 6 years since my first daughter was stillborn. Just a freak occurrence, nothing that could have been done, but.

She was loved, and wanted, but it wasn't to be.

Dani, 3 months ago to random

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8flGaeMP0JM

Exploring queer punk of various descriptions lately and... just hit home, so hard.

Not there yet but it feels possible lately.

Dani, 9 months ago to random

Had a bit of an "oh, duh" revelation this morning. You know the generic advice about trusting your feelings and stuff? I need to not do that until I unfuck them.

Seriously, ugh, my feelings relating to the topic of "me" are so dumb.

Dani, 7 months ago to random

Hmm. Playing with ... not exactly up to voice training? Practice anyway. And of course it's another repressed dysphoria source that my brain is editing out. Of course.

To wit... do a couple recordings where I try different things. "Oh, they all just sound like me. Wait, that can't be right." And sit and start trying to figure out how one of them sounds and... oooh gosh there's the sort of stomach in the throat feeling of the top of a spiral I don't feel like going on right now.

Dani, 6 months ago to random

Oh hey, wait a sec - 18 months HRT today!

Dani, 5 months ago to random

So this is me, but... one of the things I was cautioned about on transtwitter (or that I saw others cautioned about and took to heart) was parasocial relationships. And I saw it so many times, people assuming a closeness with people that wasn't warranted because those people responded to them.

The problem... from my point of view... is with the bits of my brain that assume I'm not important? And that miss cues?

I kind of wonder how many more people think of me as a friend than I'd expect.

Dani, 7 months ago to random

Thing I dream of; feeling attractive to myself (not perfect or anything) and being able to believe people who say it of me.

Dani, 10 months ago to random

... hm. I kinda don't emotionally get wanting to be attractive to other people. People lie to me enough for confusing reasons, it seems tedious to give them another reason to. Like, I'm relatively sure it's possible for me to manage or whatever but... I dunno.

Dani, 27 days ago to random

Anyone else ever get the feeling you're being gaslit and or the butt of jokes, kept around by the in-group because you won't realize?

It's just a bunch of things that crop up when people spin narratives describing their inner experiences, motivations, sensations, etc. IDK.

Like, I don't think it's literally actually happening, I don't think I matter enough people would bother, but... so much stuff where it feels like I Don't Get It.

Dani, 10 months ago to random

Random thought.

Say, for argument's sake I'm getting up to dress design. (OK I'm brainstorming but I will probably actually get there) And say that one were willing to be unconventional.

... how many pockets is "enough" pockets and where should they go? 😁

Dani, 9 months ago to random

Can't help but think of various times that various sci-fi played with false or missing memories... Ghost in the Shell is the immediate that came to mind but there's others obviously. Obviously we're the product of our experiences and biases and then that gives us the lens to examine new things and all...

So what if I fundamentally can't remember much? If there's a lot of stuff where I just... do things without knowing what's behind why.

And what if I wanted to fill in gaps in my memory?

Dani, 2 months ago to random

Bike ready! Just air and bar end heat shrink instead of tape.

End of a bicycle handlebar with heat shrink tube over the end

Dani, 7 months ago to random

Hitting... something... today. Not imposter syndrome, but just... feeling like "OK, this is the most you get; hope it's good enough".

Logically that's probably wrong but I'm tired. And I haven't even been making noticeable feeling progress.

Dani, 8 months ago to random

... it's not like I'm going to not figure out presentation and just boymode my whole life or something... but the idea of people noticing me is... frankly a bit terrifying. And feels just like completely a downside. IDK, just me?

Dani, 5 months ago to random

Weird, I'm getting a lot of new followers this weekend. They feel like real people but just... who the heck am I?

Dani, 11 days ago to random

Saw Laura Jane Grace last night and... well. Damn.

That's pretty much the first time I've gone out other than in boymode. Plus meeting friends, plus seeing music from One Of Us.

Well.

Good times, to say the least. And wearing one of my Girl Draws Ghosts shirts there made me smile too... 💜

Dani, 6 months ago to random

Tfw I start to try to post a selfie then can't stop negative self talk in the alt text. Thanks brain, I was feeling OK before that

Dani, 4 months ago to random

Hmmm. I keep feeling that in a lot of aspects of transition I'm not where I want to be - not, I emphasize, with physical changes, those are happening, it's all "fine" (you know, want things to be going faster, impatient, standard shit I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm not feeling, but "fine", within reasonable parameters)

But in terms of figuring out who I am or want to be, what I want my life to look like, hell, unlocking emotional spectrum... in so many ways in my head I feel unchanged.

Dani, 7 months ago to random

... OK. Just... say... for argument's sake... how does one go about deciding on / etc a surgeon for bottom surgery?

Dani, 1 year ago to random

Hmm. Chewing on something and I think the punchline boils down to "Dani's being autistic again" but...

So, thinking about passing as an "other than practical difficulties with employment/safety" lack of importance to me, along with frankly a similar lack of importance on the very concept of being attractive to other people (vs myself) and... idk, like I said from the start I feel like part of all of this is just having my brain quirked to where I don't recognize reactions anyway?

Dani, 21 days ago to random

Went to bed at 9 last night as a kind of extreme "I'm tired what if I actually got more sleep?" experiment.

Holy hell. How much of what's been wrong with my thinking has just been that?

Like I don't think that fixes everything but wow.

Dani, 1 month ago to random

TDOV?

You know... in greater context of everything, I don't feel like being more visible than I am. Materially supported would be nice but don't know that I should hold my breath on that either.

Enh. Just heading towards a month of emotional rollercoaster stuff.

Dani, 1 month ago to random

Mocked some trolls on twitter yesterday while bored at work. I almost want to do an effort post regarding thoughts on the supposed immutability of sex, how I see general goals of this whole thing, etc; a lot of trolls kept saying that shit and it was astonishing at how much it misses the point at least for me.

Dani, 18 days ago to random

Happy Saturday! Quiet one here; a little yard work, making some things, etc.