Took a bunch of autism-related online tests, some of which I've also taken in the past. While I previously didn't score "high enough", now several tests said that I have autistic characteristics and am likely somewhere in the spectrum. Huh.
When answering questions, I noticed some places where I would've answered differently earlier. Now that I've been on the self-discovery journey, it seems I've come to understand many things I wasn't aware of earlier. Very interesting.
@LehtoriTuomo@actuallyautistic täällä joku jakoi oisko ollut viime vuoden puolella sellaisen suomenkielisen testin, jossa oli otettu huomioon naistyypillisyys. Minä, joka olen keikkunut kaikkien autismitestien rajalla, olin siinä ihan selvästi spektrillä. Tää oli... jännä. 😀
Today I'm thinking about visual clutter affecting one through sensory overdrive.
When I was younger, I didn't clean at home often. It didn't help that my partner/spouse of that time didn't do it either. We lived in the middle of a chaos which most likely didn't treat our mental states well. After the divorce I made a decision to keep my apartment tidy.
Furthermore, my office was usually in chaos. Piles of print-outs and notes, empty energy drink bottles, office supplies etc. filled my desk. I would clean the desk twice a year. Once I got my first temp faculty job, I moved office. I made conscious effort to keep my desk clean.
I'm thinking that my work started making more sense to me once I started keeping my desk clean. Now I'm wondering if all the clutter contributed to being stressed out.
Nowadays I can't imagine how I could live in such a messy apartment or work within a chaos. Neither our house or my office are spot on but neat enough. And it's important to me that both look like there's someone, and not like they'd be out of a PR photo. Even if things get a bit cluttered, it doesn't take too long to make it look nice. Furthermore, I clean the clutter regularly. Overall, this all makes spending time at either place way more comfortable than what I remember from the past.
In the series "so that's an autism thing too": difficulties in cooking. I have hard time coming up with the shopping list outside of the routine things which I always check against a list on my phone. It's especially difficult to plan what particular dishes should be cooked in the following days.
Once I got hang of cooking -- which happened after I had turned 30, almost 35 -- I learned to like cooking when there's no rush and the recipe is clear. I even can improvise, albeit on quite restricted range. However, when my spouse isn't around, I default to microwaving things or eating frozen pizzas.
@LehtoriTuomo
Same for me. We also keep a list of meals around. Planning ahead is hard though, because some days I just lack the energy after work, so a small set of simple meals works better.
What has helped enormously is having a rice cooker and pre-cut veggies in the freezer. It helps me to default to a decent meal for everyone during the work week. Add some safe-for-everyone protein (which on most days is smoked fish), and we're good. @actuallyautistic
"Many of us get trapped in a feedback loop of learned helplessness, confusion, shame, and frozenness" - Devon Price in Unmaskin Autism.
Bingo! I relate so much to this!
Sometimes I know I'm supposed to do something at home, or with a group of friends, for instance when cleaning up a place after a party. (I don't mean routine chores at home, those are very clear. If I remember to do them.) However, I don't know what it would be.
I can't ask as I've learned that people don't take it well, they get irritated if one asks what one should do. If I do something small that seems clear enough for me, there's a chance I "do it wrong" and someone else finishes it. If I don't do anything, people will be angry at me for that.
Then I just stand there and people think I'm lazy and get irritated anyway. Now I understand it's my autistic brain freezing, confronted by a badly defined task and unclear expectations.
I've spent most of my professional life in academic circles. However, I had a short stint as a clinical psychologist when my PhD project wasn't funded. This was in the '00s.
I had this one patient who came in diagnosed with severe depression. I was a rookie and felt that I just couldn't help them. Now it hit me that they were autistic.
My studies hadn't prepared me for this; there was barely a mention of autism. I guess it was part of one course on clinical disorders, based on then current research around the turn of the millennium. Furthermore, I was still more than 15 years from my self-diagnosis.
I wonder what happened to them. They stopped coming as they felt therapy was of no use. I can't blame them.
"It might not feel like it's an active step toward self-acceptance or authenticity, but coming to understand yourself as disabled is a pretty dramatic reframing of your life."
Devon Price in Unmasking Autism
This sentence hits me hard. Haven't thought it using that wording. My internalized ableism screams. "I'm not disabled!" But I am. I need to digest this.
@LehtoriTuomo@actuallyautistic I've made things so much worse over the years by refusing to accept that fact. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life, but of course I wish I did it sooner
@LehtoriTuomo@actuallyautistic
It took me a while to get my head round this. In part, it was not wanting to claim something that I didn't deserve. That, as much as anything, came from finding out about this in my fifties. I had spent a long time not thinking about myself this way. It was probably also a more than an unhealthy dose of internalised ableism.
I think, it's important to differentiate between autism and yourself being autistic. Autism is a disability, according to the medical and social models of disability. Also, being autistic for many is disabling. So to deny that autism is a disability, is to deny them.
How you view yourself, whether in terms of being different, or disabled, really is your choice. Not denying that autism is a disability, doesn't mean that you have to see yourself as disabled by it.
This self-discovery journey has been mostly satisfying. However, sometimes one is not really sure what to think. Overcompensating in order not to appear selfish is to be very helpful. I've thought this is an important part about me. I like to help. Now I read that this might actually be a way of masking. I guess the important part is not to OVERcompensate. And to think about my wellbeing first. Ah well.
@LehtoriTuomo@actuallyautistic
I remember when I first saw one of Monty Pythons sketches on, “How not to be seen.” I identified with it so much. I remember thinking that was my raison d’etre. Masking feels a lot like that to me.
I love Unmasking Autism. I've now read almost the first half and there's this constant flow of "that's me!", "oh!" and "wtf?!" from my part.
Part about learning certain characteristics being unwanted and masking by overcompensating for them was especially revealing. Things that really resonated:
"Pretending I didn't know the answers to questions" and "Keeping silent when people said things that weren't true" in order not to appear arrogant.
"Solving problems by myself" and "Not getting 'too excited' about anything, including good things" in order not to appear annoying and loud.
"Nodding or laughing, even when I have no idea what's going on" in order not to appear clueless and pathetic.
"Not voicing my needs" in order not to appear sensitive.
I'm in this picture and I don't like it... It's not that I recognize ever being certain things but I recognize overcompensating.
I've noticed that I've started unmasking in company where it feels safe. Just little things but still. I love eye contact but instead of doing it constantly, I let my eyes wander or look somewhere else. Then I might become aware that this could be considered rude. I trust that these people don't mind. Stimming a bit. Just a bit.
I'm currently reading Unmasking Autism by Devon Price and it's super interesting. It surely resonates and I recognize myself in many places.
Reading about "female autism" -- which Price criticizes as a label -- was a real eye opener. I too am a very sensitive and likable person who adjusts to new situations quickly.
For instance, I've noticed ages ago that I take cues from the situation, mirror verbal and nonverbal expressions and mannerisms. I might not give much of my real self if the situation doesn't feel safe. It often doesn't. Plus I'm introverted so there's that.
Another example. When writing to others, I tone my reply to fit the recipient or forum. I've loved using emojis but if the recipient doesn't use them, I haven't used them either.
Went to a bar with a visiting scholar. The first three hours or so were fun. We had good food and nice whisky. Colleague was chatty and I enjoyed listening.
Then loud drunk people came in. I noticed I had hard time following my colleague's talk. The drunk people started to get on my nerves. I was also very conscious of my pinkish nails. Now that I've paid more attention to my bodily reactions, I noticed how anxious the change of the atmosphere made me.
Fortunately I had already checked my bus schedule and the colleague had said that I can just let him know whenever I have to leave. I said that it's getting loud, then explained I'm autistic and have auditory processing problems and that there would be a bus in 15 minutes. He said that we can leave right away. 💜 Once outside, it felt better again.
The older I get, the less I enjoy noisy bars. Or should I say the less I tolerate them. Never really liked them.
Yesterday I was wearing sunglasses when I went to the city centre as it was sunny. Oh my, what a difference it made to the sensory overdrive. As I mentioned earlier, I like to watch around but had finally noticed that I keep grounding myself by looking at ground due to all the visual input. Sunglasses took the edge off and it was way easier to look at things.
I don’t like my sunglasses to be too dark, because I like to see as well as possible at all times (hence prescription sunnies), but they do make a difference. I frequently change glasses on days where it’s sunny but with a few clouds, especially when driving. Hats help too.
I went to the city today by tram & forgot earplugs/headphones. 😠
Mentioned to a coworker that I'm getting some books, for example on autism, and as they showed interest in the topic, proceeded to lightly info dump. Did give some space so that it was a true conversation. However, it reminded me of a thing I've been pondering.
As I present male, I've always been overly cautious of not mansplaining -- or at least ever since I learned about the term. Now that I know I'm autistic, I understand it's entangled with having learned that NTs don't like infodumping.
Whatever the cause, I have a tendency to stay silent even if I know about the topic at hand but aren't 100% certain that it's appropriate to talk about it. Sometimes it makes me sad.
@Tooden@felyashono@actuallyautistic it seems to me that disclaimers showing benevolent intent make messages from strangers a bit more pleasant, a lot goes a little way
@LehtoriTuomo@actuallyautistic just today my roommate was ranting to me how there is no way i'm neurotypical even though that's how i identify. maybe i should look into some of these :)
Only very lately, I've started to understand how loud sounds affect me. It's a strange combination of self-controlled loud music (yes, please) and uncontrollable, sometimes sudden, loud sounds making me very tense. I mentioned a loud stop signal in a bus yesterday.
The tensest I get is when our dog, who just turned one, starts to whine at the end of a car ride. We try to teach her that she needs to be quiet in order to get out. When she's agitated it might take a while. It's loud and I feel empathetic and get very tense. I can feel it everywhere in my body. Another example is when she repeatedly barks in a small space, such as our sauna cabin by the summer cottage. It might reverbarate in the structures, and my head.
Another type of sound that gets to me is the sound of brushing. It's physically uncomfortable, has always been. The worst is when a tractor is brushing gravel off the road after the winter. Almost makes me shudder to think about it. Always wondered why it's so uncomfortable. Now with self-diagnosed autism I get it.
@LehtoriTuomo
Not that you asked, but you can help your dog learn to be quiet by first teaching her to vocalize on cue, then teaching her to stop vocalizing on cue @actuallyautistic