Kinda feeling OK today despite forgetting my meds by several hours.
I'm freshly 45, earning my silver hairs by now. Things could be better, but also they could be worse. Somehow I squeezed out a rare smile that doesn't look forced.
Had a person reply to a week+ old post about a psychosis trigger by quoting something I said in the post, then basically saying all Americans are psychotic because of politics citing a wikipedia article out of context with what I was saying? Idk, I don't understand why they did that. Anyways. I went back to look at it and block the person and the post was gone, which is always weird because then I question if I actually saw it or not, which makes me feel like they are teying to fuck with mynhead. Their bio also said all us citizens are not real humans, ad if we are all psychotic monsters?
Fortunately I found the person, and they must have deleted the post because it's completely gone.
"Looks like you need a reminder of some traumatizing shit, so here you go!"
Like what the fuck even is a story with photos of me moving from safe and secure house to single wide to 28 foot camper trailer? And each move represents loss, stress, poor mental health, basically an ongoing living nightmare that never seems to stop.
No, I'm fine, there is obviously no trauma involved.
Can hear my cousins husband chatter with his little kids as they feed and water the pigs a ways off from my camper, through my open window. They all knew me as Deadname.
Anyways, the 6yo is telling dad about how Lucía showed them a garter snake and a blue tailed skink living under a board, and how I told them to look but don't try to catch the lizard because it will easily lose it's tail, and this leaves them vulnerable. I hear them all talking about Lucía and "she", and it's so nice that they are doing this even when I'm not around, not visible or visually within earshot.
@TheOtterDragon I'm super happy they listened to me about not catching it. Lots of lizards don't drop their tail if you yell too loud (hyperbole), but this one does.
Hi, been a while since we have checked in on the feed with a pic, so I shall sow hopeful seeds of a shameless serotonin harvest.
Here are one Lucía and one shitty angle of a Kat-thulhu, getting ready to work on sewing an apron for my daughter. We shall see how far I get today. She is actually the most worthless helper of course.
@TheOtterDragon ty 💜. The snakes are not super new, but also it's been a while since I've captured a photo of myself wearing them. That said, it IS possibly the last necklace I've bought in some time.
I've considered myself gray ace for a while now, but also I feel like other ace folks look like horny sex goblins compared to me 😂 And then allo folks? I must be so boring to everybody. I don't play flirt like all the other girls, and on top of that, I wouldn't know flirting if it slapped me in the mouth and screamed at me. Unless it is of course packaged and labeled. If in fact any human has ever flirted with me, I would clock it as, "Jeez, they sure are nice to me!"
@TheOtterDragon Yeah, I know allos don't do it all the time, just like aces do do it probably a normal amount. And I also realize it doesn't necessarily mean anything other than just a nice way people interact often for fun. It's like my brain is missing a component and and that part of me doesn't exist.
Which orientation on the new iPads has the Apple "right-side up"?
People have been telling me for years that the primary orientation of the iPad is landscape, but that Apple on the back has always suggested to me that that's just not true.
@nyquildotorg My iPad is like 2 years old, not sure if this counts as new. But, one piece of evidence I offer for portrait mode is that pictures and videos actually look like you are looking into the camera. In landscape the camera is oriented in such a way you look like you are looking away and it's really awkward on video calls (sorry, brain not working, can't remember what video calls are called lol)
I just got back from the gas station where I took two propane tanks to be filled. While I was there I had my first frightening experience with a man as a woman, thankfully in a fairly public place. And honestly it's only the second experience since I was 18 that a man has frightened me.
I've filled my tanks at this gas station one other time. As I usually do wherever I fill, I pulled my car up next to the propane fill tank and deposited my two empty tanks exactly where they need to be so the attendant doesn't have to look for them or wait for me. I walked into the gas station and asked to have my tanks filled. The young man informed the other man who I believe is the station owner, and that man came out.
I went to my car and stood near my trunk several feet past my tanks. The supposed owner walked out towards me with a gigantic grin and wide eyes. Legit looked predatory in that moment. He walked past the tanks towards me stopping like... I swear to God 18 to 24 inches from me, at just over tit height to me. It was like the tanks were not there and he was going to say something to me or ask me something, but super fucking creepy. He just looked up at me grinning wordlessly. In that moment the vibe freaked me the fuck out. I wanted to run.
I stood my ground and said awkwardly, "I need my tanks filled," pointing at the two tanks for what felt like forever while he stared at me. I reiterated, pointing with a little motion to my hand to pull his attention away. He says, "Yes," still fucking grinning at me. I backed off with a thank you and stood near my trunk to wait. He went to the tanks and fucking kept staring at me while he began positioning the first tank. I was not making eye contact but his gaze was certainly on me. After far too long I got in my car and locked the door, waiting til I saw him start filling the second tank. At that point I had legit planned an escape as if I were actually threatened or something. I kept thinking he was going to follow me out of the store after I paid.
My legs have just started to quit shaking. I can't tell you how many thoughts absolutely raced through head in that moment. Was truly unnerved and frightened. I mean, in the scheme of things it's not a huge thing, but the vibe was so fucked. I probably shouldn't have been so upset by something so dumb, but here we are. Perhaps because it was a first for me I have catastrophized it.
Surprisingly I feel like a cute bat today, so I shall preserve that sensation by NOT taking a selfie lol. Sure path to ruining the feels the way my brain is lately.
Well, today I slept til about 9am which is super late for me. Then about 30 mins later fell back asleep til around 11. This is after staying in bed all day yesterday playing my ps5, which I'm also doing today.
Needless to say this is outside of my norm of waking up around 7am. My head feels fucked, and I just can't use any brain function aside from vegetation via game. I tried talking to my aunt about what's going on with my head. but couldn't verbally articulate my thoughts well enough to be of any help to her with regards to helping me (that was last night after a full day of being out of home base, very exhausted).
I've discussed this quite a bit with my therapist, with regards to getting med adjustment via a couple day inpatient visit to a local behavioral health facility here in town. This is supposed to be the next step if my prn med doesn't help, otherwise this could go on for weeks or months.
If course rest and isolation from stressors is right up there in importance with the prn med. I'm kinda OK just doing nothing in a zero stimulus environment, but leaving my cave as I've had to do a few times in past few days, has made things worse.
The problem is that I have been affected by the stress from my moving and living situation, and have been working outside my comfort zone with my aunt to get my finances and life in order. I'd legit be homeless in addition to broke if she wasn't helping me, but it's taking its toll.
My aunt is now on a joint checking and savings account with me, and is fully managing it for me. I will also be canceling my credit cards. I have to tell her about literally every dollar I spend, and for the first time since divorce I'm on a budget.
Anyways, the latter bit about my finances, that's a big part of my stress and current mental and emotional degradation, and it's not going to just go away.
Sometimes when I'm in Standby Mode™️ I want to post about why I'm not posting. But actually it's boring af. I'm not feeling "right" currently, but also can't put my finger on what it is I'm experiencing rn.