Beowulf is pretty wild, and I haven't even gotten to the fight with Grendel yet. Beowulf has just shown up and is like Hey this Grendel character? I'm gonna waste his ass for you. And then Unferth is like Pshaw! You can't even swim good, Bro! Breca totally crushed you in that swimming contest. And Beowulf is like Really? You want to go there? Sorry I was too busy slaying NINE sea monsters to worry about winning some stupid little race, and by the way I was swimming in full armor and carrying a sword, but you're welcome for the steep decline in sea monster attacks lately. Do you even slay, Bro? Oh wait l, what am I saying, if you were even halfway decent at slaying then I wouldn't have to come here with all my Geat bros to save your sorry ass! And Unferth just sits there in silence because what are you gonna say after having been so thoroughly owned?
So I got to the Grendel flight and it's basically Beowulf doing an atomic half-Nelson on Grendel, and Grendel is like, This is weak Bro, usually I can feast on Scyldings with impunity! The Geats are like Hell yeah Bro! Hold him down we're gonna stab his ass with our swords! But of course the swords don't work. Only the unbridled power of slick oiled up muscles rubbing against each other can subdue this baleful hell-hunk. Beowulf is like Hold up, Bros! Let me show you how it's done! And he rips his fucking arm off. Grendel, utterly demoralized, staggers off to find some dismal swamp to fuck off and die in. Even the narrator seems to feel bad for Grendel. He's like, Most days Grendel had a killer time raiding Heorot, feasting on man flesh and spreading blood and gore and giblets all over the mead benches, but this time, well my dudes, let's just say this was Grendel's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
And then it's time for the sequel. Grendel 2: Grendel Mother. The same basic concept, but in a different location. It plays out like a Hollywood sequel too. After Grendel is defeated they throw a huge party. Everyone is getting lit and smacking Beowulf on the back and going Hell Yeah Bro, the minstrel is playing that old banger about Finn The Frisian, Unferth is off to the side sucking eggs. All is right with the world.
But that very night, when everyone's guard is down, Hrothgar's favorite thane gets nabbed and dragged away. In the morning, someone conveniently recalls, Oh yeah there were actually TWO monsters terrorizing the countryside: Grendel and his mother. It's time to slay again, Bros! And this time...it's personal.
So Beowulf and his Geat bros go to this haunted lake in the middle of a haunted forest that's teaming with sea monsters and snakes and eels and stuff. Beowulf is like Bros! I got this, but Unferth shouts Wait! Listen, Beowulf, I know I gave you a hard time earlier but it's only because I respect you so goddamn much, and I know I could never be as much of a badass as you. Here, take this sword that's been in my family for generations. I hear it's pretty good at stabbing people, not that I'd know myself, on account of me being such a pathetic sniveling coward and all.
Beowulf takes the sword, and with a shit-eating grin lifts it up over his head and yells, Listen up Bros! I'm heading down into that lake to stab the shit out of Grendel's mom. I'm not gonna lie to you guys, it's gonna be pretty dangerous down there, so if I don't make it back, I want you all to know that I'm leaving this kickass sword to my good buddy Unferth, for always believing in me! Everyone cheers. Unferth is like Wait, what? But too late, SPLASH! Beowulf is already in the lake.
No sooner does Beowulf get to the bottom than Grendel's mom snatches him in her talons. He's in a pretty tight spot; he can't break free and all these sea monsters and snakes and eels are attacking him. He swings Unferth's sword at Grendel's mom but of course it's useless, just like Unferth. Beowulf chucks the janky ass sword aside and tries wailing on her with his fists for a while. This makes him feel better, but doesn't seem have much effect on Grendel's mom. But then he sees a different, way bigger, way cooler sword, so he grabs it and slices her head clean off.
This releases so much blood and gore that it starts spewing up on the surface and Hrothgar and the Geat bros are like woah dude, it's not looking good for ol' Beowulf, but just then he bursts up out of the water in triumph, his long hair whipping back and glistening in the sunlight like some badass sexy Shampoo commercial.
He tosses a sword hilt to Hrothgar and is like Bro, I found this awesome sword down there, it was so choice but the blade totally melted in all that gnarly monster blood. The hilt is still pretty killer though, and Hrothgar is like Dude! This is the coolest sword I've ever seen! Check out the rare smithwork and jewels! Unferth is like Ok, but what about that sword I lent you? The one that's been in my family for generations?
Beowulf says Don't worry little buddy, I didn't forget about you, and he tosses Grendel's giant head at Unferth, knocking his pathetic ass to the ground. Unferth is like Wait, what? But too late, Beowulf has already turned to the camera, giving a big thumbs up. Freeze frame and roll credits over a killer Bon Jovi tune.
Post credit scene: Beowulf approaches Unferth and hands him the sword.
Hey man, I had one of my Geats fetch this from the bottom of that lake. It's not a bad sword, it's got a decent cutting edge and all, it was just completely useless to me in this particular situation. But don't worry, I don't blame you for that. I mean, how could you have known, never having slayed any fell monsters before? Hey, I'm a magnanimous guy!
And then he flashes those pearly whites. He truly is a considerate man.
I know everyone hates AI and I get it, I really do. I'm not trying to diminish people's concerns. All I'm saying is I tried a month of Midjorney to see what all the fuss was about and I blew through my credits in two days generating pictures of people covered in spaghetti.
Just FYI - My Avi is not an AI, it's an actual art made by an actual artist: Jennifer Miller. I didn't have to commission it because she had already painted an image of a Velocirooster. I asked for her permission to use it and she very graciously agreed. I also bought a print of it so I could send some money her way.
She's a fantastic artist so you should go to her website and buy her art:
After having to figure out how to do some minor plumbing repairs around the house I have come to appreciate the humble gasket as the only thing separating civilized society from utter chaos
@juanejot Ha, self-sealing stem-bolts are probably my favorite piece of future technology in Star Trek precisely because they are so vaguely defined. But Nog knows a quality product when he sees one. Listen, Mr, do you think I'd be wasting your time with a pile of boring old stem bolts? These babies are SELF-SEALING!