@zaxxon@autistics.life
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

zaxxon

@zaxxon@autistics.life

Just an often misunderstood robot (but not a bot).

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

zaxxon, to random
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

For my friends – if you find life in the NT world a struggle, how often do you feel the need to self-medicate?

For me, the preference is pretty relentless. I can decide on any given day (or several days) not to (so I don't think I'm physically addicted), but I often choose to anyway.

My own "medication" of choice is alcohol. I've not yet experienced any benefits from other options.

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

I am so in this zone right now.

This morning was not a good experience. I may post about the separation my SO and I currently undertaking (to try to give me space) and why this morning's call was problematic for me (Spoiler: I was not being given any space, nor notice of the "intrusion").

OK, I'll start now – I'm being guilted for being "emotionally withdrawn" when a "practical issue" call became a "relationship-significant" one.

RN, just tell me you need support before expecting it.

Cassandra, to random
@Cassandra@autistics.life avatar

I think, audacious though it may be, that we should stop blaming people for things they do not have the ability or the capacity to change.

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

@Cassandra Can you please speak to my SO and my own self-judgement?

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

@Cassandra

an prayer:

Give me the courage to change what I can change, NTs the serenity to accept what I can not change, and everyone the insight to know the difference.

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

@Cassandra amen!

Cassandra, to random
@Cassandra@autistics.life avatar

Like the doomsday clock, but a horse race showing which cause of societal collapse is currently leading.

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

@Cassandra where do I subscribe?

Actually, you know what, I think I prefer ignorance on the leading cause right now.

Cassandra, to random
@Cassandra@autistics.life avatar

Anyone have anything they want me to judge?

(... Not dick pics. Do not.)

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

@Cassandra I've already been judging myself for 55 years, so all good – but thanks for the offer! 💗

Cassandra, to random
@Cassandra@autistics.life avatar

The other day, my partner(?) said to me, in a managing-expectations type of voice:

"But you're an exception.”

I laughed loudly and darkly.

In some mundane context, I forget, he captured the essence of my life as an autistic person.

Always an exception, and most people would rather get angry at the exception than accommodate it.

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

@Cassandra @ashleyspencer we all are and so few of us understand or accept it. Some of us have it rubbed in our face, but let’s embrace it!

Cassandra, to random
@Cassandra@autistics.life avatar

Really feeling the exhaustion of living in a world where the default is that I will be misunderstood and judged.

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

@Cassandra @ashleyspencer amen, sister!

ashleyspencer, to random
@ashleyspencer@autistics.life avatar

Happy New Year’s Eve!

I don’t ever make New Year’s resolutions. Life can be unpredictable, especially with my business, and I live one month at a time.

Everything I’ve done this year was done on impulse. I woke up one day, had an idea, and made the idea happen. It all worked out and I’m finishing the year with the best quality of life I’ve ever had. :RedHearts:

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

@ashleyspencer Happy New Year! 💗

zaxxon, to random
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

I was reminded tonight by a since-deleted post displaying a “humorous” bumper sticker the OP had made which ripped off the “This is not a place of honour” meme to highlight their offspring was not a “student of honour” about my father’s views on my academic achievements.

I tried to reply that my father would have likely not only have bought one of those stickers I relation to me, but also one for each and every one of my seven cursed older siblings.

1/4

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

I included in my reply how he told me once “95% for maths? There’s room for 5% improvement there”, and most infamously intoned sententiously to me when, as a 20yo, I announced I was dropping out of Uni “Don’t come running back to me with your tail between your legs when you fail”.

This is a man who never said to me individually “I love you”, if you can believe it!

2/4

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

The best any of us got was when we all 8 kids and the 2 parental units got together to discuss Important Family Stuff™ as the parents approached old age when I was 40+ and he said to the group through tears “You know I am proud of and love you all” – how the fuck were we supposed to know something like that that we’d never been told?!

3/4

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

He was the direct progenitor of our dysfunction, although his emotionally distant, criminal, and abusive father no doubt had a hand in his own dysfunction, too, with our mother acting as passive witness who never stood up for herself or us to his bullying, obnoxious ways, let alone defending us from our own siblings’ abuses (guess who was the end of the line!).

TL;DR families are often totally fucking messed up and it’s hard to break the cycle.

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

I’m sorry, was I supposed to put the TL;DR at the start? I just had to get the meat off my chest first.

zaxxon, to random
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

This is a thread I've sat on for quite some time as I process my feelings. It may take some time to fully unravel.

I was re-introduced to the music of Gary Numan through the request of my sister-in-law to have a piano version of "Down in the Park" played at her son Jay's funeral a couple of years ago.

This was the end of the most tragic life I have personally witnessed.

Jay was the oldest nephew of my SO, only 9 years younger than them, just as they are 9 years younger than their sister.

thomasfuchs, to random
@thomasfuchs@hachyderm.io avatar

PSA: It's OK to not want to have a holiday dinner with your family. You don't owe anyone anything. ♥️

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

@thomasfuchs not Thanksgiving-related (just birthdays and holiday season related), I’m trying to figure out the mechanics of my disengagement from all but one of my sibs. Despite the resolute decision, timing and any final comms need to be planned to actually look after myself in a big picture way. 😔

zaxxon, to random
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

Here’s a funny story.

I always remembered around the time I was 10-12 (1978-1980) there being some sort of thing going on in the family around Chief Fucker (not Thug Fucker mentioned in most recent posts, but the one who had many deleterious impacts on my life, and my sole (single occurrence) physical abuser).

I always thought it had to do with an unwanted pregnancy and the “dealing with” that.

Fast forward 45ish years, and I get the following message from CF…

1/n

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

“I have news 😲

Some time back, I was contacted by X—, a g-f of mine from 1979, about her daughter Z—.

Despite not being named on Z—'s birth certificate, X— has told Z— that I am her father.

Z— and I have been in contact for some time now. It has been a struggle at times, for both of us, but things are good now.

I do not wish to discuss this any further at this time. I will send an email soon that may answer questions you might have.

CF”

2/n

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

I suggested a spectrum diagnosis might be worthwhile seeking, but my first reaction was WTF, is this guy still in denial?!

“Despite not being named on Z—'s birth certificate, X— has told Z— that I am her father”?!

The promised e-mail was gold…

3/n

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

“I’m going to keep this relatively brief, & questions you have may go unanswered. For now, this is what I’m able to share. You’ll get more in due time.

Where to start?

Out of respect to Z— & her family I will not be starting from the beginning.

X— sent me a letter in May 96, & Z— sent a letter soon after in June.

Z— & I exchanged letters & photos over the next few years. Things moved along cautiously with phone calls, easing to meeting up in Syd in 99.”

…

4/n

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

“We’ve met several times since 99, & Z— spent a few days here in 10 with her then husband & son.

Oh, did I mention that Z— has a 17yo son? His name is Y— & he’s a talented, smart young man (he has certs to prove it 😊).

There’ve been times when we’ve had struggles while building our relationship. We’ve both worked hard in recent yrs to overcome prev struggles & build something of meaning for both of us. This is all I’ll say about our struggles, I won’t be going into any further detail.”

5/n

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

“Z— knows about you all. Over the years I have shared moments from your lives with her. Z— is aware that she has many cousins too. Z— is also aware of the recent text message I sent out to each of you.

Z—’s main concerns at this time are unexpected contact & privacy. Z— is a hugger, like me, & she knows that all of us love & care for each other. Having relative strangers (see what I did there?) call her unexpectedly or track her down online is a possible stressor.

CF”

6/n

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

Even to me this all seems pretty fucked up.

But my central question is “Why now?” – and I have a theory.

CF had prostate cancer issues a few years back. Reading between the lines, I think he’s had some relapse (or maybe a new issue) and is preparing the family for this stranger being at his funeral claiming to be his daughter.

But who knows?! He’s always been a bit weird in how he conveys information (even to me!). So maybe he’s just über-über-weird this way.

7/n

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

I don’t care. I’m done. His resistant sharing comes at a time I just don’t want to know.

Quite frankly, at this stage there’s only one sibling’s funeral I feel like I’d attend, and CF’s is certainly at the bottom of the list for the remainder.

I honestly just wish there was a way to edit my birth certificate right now – orphaned at birth and no siblings feels just about right.

8/8

zaxxon,
@zaxxon@autistics.life avatar

@Cassandra ayup.

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