For my #ActuallyAutistic friends – if you find life in the NT world a struggle, how often do you feel the need to self-medicate?
For me, the preference is pretty relentless. I can decide on any given day (or several days) not to (so I don't think I'm physically addicted), but I often choose to anyway.
My own "medication" of choice is alcohol. I've not yet experienced any benefits from other options.
This morning was not a good experience. I may post about the separation my SO and I currently undertaking (to try to give me space) and why this morning's call was problematic for me (Spoiler: I was not being given any space, nor notice of the "intrusion").
OK, I'll start now – I'm being guilted for being "emotionally withdrawn" when a "practical issue" call became a "relationship-significant" one.
RN, just tell me you need support before expecting it.
@Cassandra I’m happy to receive responses, but I was primarily venting.
I’m traversing down a knife edge where I don’t know for any given interaction with my SO whether I will fall off the edge or not (i.e. meet their expectations of the interaction or not).
I could tell that the simple practical issue text exchange was going to lead to them requesting a call, which it did.
I could tell that call would morph into one about other issues where they would expect emotional support, which it did…
@Cassandra I felt crowded into a corner, when that’s exactly what this separation is meant to give me head space from.
I resisted a suggested separation last year because I knew every interaction would be judged on my “performance”, and they expressed the expectation that the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” aspect would lead to better interactions – but I knew I would feel under pressure, and could not guarantee I could meet that expectation.
@Cassandra and now I feel pressure to reach out, act sympathetic and emotionally available, when right now, I just need some space.
We’ve been living this double life for so long where I’m both the source of her greatest upsets and the source of her greatest support, and we’ve always worked on the expectation I could change.
Just change the upsetting parts, of course.
And my autistic and demand avoidance discoveries are making me feel I can never change enough to match her expectations.
I’m feeling hemmed in, compromised in my ability to process stuff because I’m not getting the space I need.
I don’t think she understands how much I’m on my own knife’s edge right now, how close I am to “calling it” right now, how much pressure I feel right now…even though I’ve already told her.
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