Hotrod_Jesus avatar


Hi. I'm Hotrod_Jesus and I'm an alcoholic. Crucifixion leaves a mark on a man.

Working these days in the garage on the 13th floor. Cars are easier to sanctify than people.

To my followers looking for answers, I offer words from my dad:

"Nam et si ambulavero in medio umbrae mortis: non timebo mala, quoniam tu mecum es."

I just wanna add if you've got hate in your heart, you've fallen off the track, and need to take your soul back to the shop.

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

Blessed are the ways of the divine. Be well, my child, and rest assured that your V8 awaits you in heaven.

tierfreund, to philosophy avatar

The Gods are ends in themselves, no promise either of earthly success or eternal life is necessary to make them worthy of respect. There is no hierarchy in the universe, no being fundamentally "deserves" or "doesn't deserve" worship, because moral categories are socially emergent. Ultimately the category of "God" is a social relation between two beings.

In the City of God, Augustine goes on and on about how only the god who made the world and promises eternal life is "worthy" of worship and it's like, why? The only people who should be worshipping Jesus are people who have an edifying relationship either with him as a god, with one of his saints or with his church. Eternal life and his identification with the logos or the demiurge or whatever don't enter into it.

Deity is not a means to an end!

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

@tierfreund I disagree. No one should be following me unless they can truly ding a dang dong their dang a long linglong.

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

I am so so so sorry to any child that was forced to read these. Especially to those who played Dungeons and Dragons in hopes of gaining supernatural powers. As it's been proven by many a stranger thing, TTRPGs are a symptom of occult talent, not a cause.

My personal corrections to Chick's instructions (last page) once you've found me:

  1. Read your Bible every day to get to know Jesus Christ better. Use your critical thinking skills to consider whether or not God would qualify as a good parent in today's society. Is crucifixion a valid form of corporal punishment for unruly children? Discuss whether God's fitness as a parent impacts his capacity to govern as a supreme being.

  2. Talk to God in prayer everyday. He hates that - prayer spam drives him nuts.

  3. Be baptized in bodaciousness, be excellent to one another, and serve where love is the final authority.

  4. Tell others about Jesus Christ and how to ding a ding dang your dangalong ling long.

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

Of course - what I was trying to say is that it's usually one's innate occult talent that leads to the TTRPG use rather than the TTRPG use leading to occult abilities (unless you're playing the original first edition of White Wolf's Mage - that one got eerily close to the fundamentals).

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

Up for debate, according to his bandmate, and his own words:

"Ha ha, very funny," he says. "Look, as I've always said, it's not my fault the bad guys had the best shit. But by collecting Nazi memorabilia, it doesn't mean I'm a fascist, or a skinhead. I'm not. I just liked the clobber. And let me tell you, the kind of people who do collect this stuff, they aren't yobbos either. They are people with Masters [degrees], they are doctors, professors. I've always liked a good uniform, and throughout history, it's always been the bad guy who dressed the best: Napoleon, the Confederates, the Nazis. If we had a good uniform, I'd collect ours as well, but what does the British Army have? Khaki. Makes them look like like a fucking swamp frog..."

You're free to make your own judgements of course - I personally disagree with him about the aesthetic being reason enough to start a collection, and for the record, fuck Nazis. I just like the song - goes well with drinking and being pissed at my Dad.

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

Fuck this propaganda bullshit. Dad is always trying to duck the blame for his shitty behavior. The whole "get crucified and save the world thing" was his idea - you think I wanted to get nails driven through my damn hands?

And another thing - everyone is always misquoting me and thinking I'm him. For the last fucking time, I'M NOT MY DAD. I have nothing to do with anything that asshole spits out, or how reporters spun my quotes after the whole cross situation. I mean, for fuck's sake, platypuses? What kind of sick mind comes up with that? Who looks at a duck and thinks hey, that's not badass enough - lets make it venomous and furry!

ONE SICK MOTHERFUCKER, that's who, and I'm tired of taking responsibility for his weird ass decisions and proclamations.

For the record, since everyone wants to misquote me on these things: no one needs saving they can't provide to themselves. Fuck who you like. Love who you like. Do what you like, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone... or causes changes to duck genetics. Ducks are cool as-is, bro.

Also, I effing love atheists. You guys are fucking hilarious, and I love seeing you piss off the old man. So y'all get an upvote for letting me rant, and if your soul engine ever needs a tune-up, hit me up in the garage.

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

See what I mean? Everyone believes this bullshit.

First off, that whole revolution thing was Judas' deal, and the fucker sold me out the moment it was clear that it had failed. Secondly, it's kinda hard to stand up to your Dad when you're a kid, especially when he happens to put you on blast with the holy visions and angels and whatnot - plus there's that whole "I created the entire universe when I was your age" trip that no kid should ever be subjected to. Third, I didn't spread my Dad's bullshit - that Old Testament crap is definitely not me. Shouldn't even be included in the same library, much less the same book as my biography.

Which, I should point out, most of which wasn't written by anyone who actually listened to me. Fuck Paul in particular on that front, by the way - fucking homophobic con-man. "Oh Jesus made me blind! Oh Jesus made me see!" goddamn load of bullshit - never met the guy in my life or afterlife. Besides, everyone knows I went to Mexico for a vacation after being crucified, before I headed out to Japan to settle down. There was no way I was gonna stay in Roman territory and give them a second chance to finish the job.

Finally, have you ever talked to a platypus? Vicious, angry little creatures, rapacious predators, and masters of the deadly arts, particularly poisonings. Many are hitmen in the Maori mafia - no one suspects a platypus, despite Perry's reputation.

Chaotic neutral at best, but definitely not good.

Hotrod_Jesus, (edited )
Hotrod_Jesus avatar

Hope you signed a pre-nup, and that there's no life insurance in play... all joking aside, though, I wish your family the best, especially little Johnny Strychnine.

But serious question - how do you take responsibility for the suffering of millions when it's based on people misquoting you when you were partying in the desert with a bunch of hippies? I mean, we were definitely burning the bush, if you get my drift - things were wild down by the shores of the Dead Sea in the BC. I mean, when you cut loose at a rave, are you responsible for the deaths of future millions because someone filmed you when you were high and used it as a basis for a religion?

Technoviking might have some choice words about that...

Personally, I just drink too much.

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

A blessing upon @TheMetalDog, for he is blessed with wicked taste, and has a thrashin' ride awaiting him at the pearly gates for sending forth this track.

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

Yeah, Texas isn't kind to those of us with unique hairstyles.

timberwraith, to random avatar

Remember this one thing about the christian bible:

Satan is blamed for all of the terrible bullshit that god brought into existence.

Whenever the CEO royally fucks up the works, it's middle management and everyone further down the corporate hierarchy who is blamed.

Authority never takes the blame for its mistakes when it can find someone with lesser power to scapegoat.

The christian god is no different.

This lies at the heart of christian theology.

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

@timberwraith WAS the front man. I'm retired from all that bullshit now.

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

That was totally my dickhead Dad's idea, btw. Not just the "stick your kid on a cross" idea, but sin itself. I mean, if you're gonna create a universe filled with carnal desire, what damn right do you have to tell folks not to enjoy it?

Then, to top that absurd hypocrisy, he then goes around knocking up virgins under their fiance's nose, declares the kid the king of the Jews (when there already IS a king who likes to behead prophets), and then tells the kid he's gotta overthrown the Roman Empire... lemme just say I've considered patricide more than once.

Hotrod_Jesus avatar

Ahh, so something like this is more your speed (don't like to mod the bodies on those babies, handling is perfect as-is). Incredible cars to drive, but finding the right engine parts can be an adventure unto itself.

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