U.S. Army Recruiter Has Bound, Gagged Civilian That Teen Can Shoot Right Now If He Enlists (www.theonion.com)
Nation Shrugs After Hearing Trump Guilty Verdict, Unpauses ‘MILF Manor’ (www.theonion.com)
Samuel Alito: ‘I Tried To Take The Flag Down, But My Wife Hit Me. She Hits Me Every Night’ (www.theonion.com)
Biden, Trump Die 2 Minutes Apart Holding Hands (www.theonion.com)
So-Called Trad Wife Wasn’t Even Kidnapped From Village By Rival Viking Clan (www.theonion.com)
CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years (www.theonion.com)
It’s an older article, sir, but it checks out.
CEO Warns That No Student Involved In Protests Will Ever Be Hired At Genocide Inc. (www.theonion.com)
Le président iranien a été lapidé avec une montagne (www.theonion.com) French
Biden Bounces Back In Polls As Americans Notice Netflix Added A Few Good Shows Recently (www.theonion.com)
Leonardo DiCaprio Tears Fabric Of Universe Apart Attempting To Have Sex With Girl Not Yet Born (www.theonion.com)
LOS ANGELES—With space and time ceasing to exist amid the actor’s cries of “Too old! Too old! They’re all too old,” Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly tore apart the fabric of the universe Friday when he attempted to have sex with a girl who had not yet been born. “My desires will at long last be fulfilled when I’m...
Jerky, 7-Fingered Scarlett Johansson Appears In Video To Express Full-Fledged Approval Of OpenAI (www.theonion.com)
Lauren Boebert Offers To Personally Jerk Off Any Constituents She Offended (www.theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my...
Report: School Shootings Either Way Down Or Too Depressing For Media To Cover (www.theonion.com)
Shedding light on the possible reasons for a dip in such news coverage, a report released Friday found that school shootings were either way down or too depressing for the media to cover. “Really, there are two possibilities here: It could be that there’s been some remarkable progress on getting guns out of the hands of...
Iranian President Stoned To Death With Mountain (www.theonion.com)
Trump Quietly Avoids Eye Contact With Rudy Giuliani Begging For Change Outside Courthouse (www.theonion.com)
New Florida Law Requires All Women To Produce 3 Healthy White Sons By 22nd Birthday (www.theonion.com)
What Biden Can Do To Win Over Gen Z (www.theonion.com)
Trump Reflexively Asks Michael Cohen To Silence Michael Cohen (www.theonion.com)
Orcas Explain Boat Attacks (www.theonion.com)
Florida Students Given Lifelike Dolls To Simulate Responsibility Of Owning Slave (www.theonion.com)
Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom (www.theonion.com)
Bored Riot Cops Break Up Calculus Class (www.theonion.com)
17 Days In Incubator Longest Time Premature Baby Will Go Without Being Exposed To Advertising (www.theonion.com)
Trump vs. Biden On Free Speech (www.theonion.com) French
Israel Accuses Al Jazeera Of Being Mouthpiece For Journalism (www.theonion.com)
