A friend who was dealing with an unpromising future where he knew he would need to be taken care of in the not so distant future, once told me that his biggest fear would be when the moment came when the last of his independence would melt away and that he would become a burden to others.
I didn't know how to console him. So I just sat with him and listened.
It amazes me how much, as a culture, that we internalize our own care, and the care of others, as a "burden".
@Mrfunkedude A relative of a close friend committed suicide, and left a message saying that she wanted to relive her family of the burden of caring for her.
She was fairly healthy and nobody until that point had even imagined that she could be seeing herself as a burden. It was all entirely in her head.
@Mrfunkedude This is not any single culture - we have never, as a species, embraced those who are marginalized or disabled or elderly as we should and made it clear to all that none of us us a burden.
@Mrfunkedude Oh, yes. I have been feeling this for quite a while now. Becoming a burden, not being able to do what I like, and to hear others decide 'what i would want' which would clearly NOT be what I would want. I dread that, it is a scary thought that often comes to haunt me.
When the perception of "value" to society is gone, we see ourselves as a "burden" - no longer contributing. Beings as transactional to society, yup - that's pretty f-d up....
@Mrfunkedude one of the things I treasured about the families I lived with in Morocco was how much moms, aunties, and grandmas are loved. Like, major issues with inequality in household labor and women's rights there, but there's a deep culture of caring for, respecting, and having roles in the household for older women. A person's value wasn't just how profitable their labor could be.
And it's also why one of the most useful corrective measures when someone would misbehave or harass someone there was threatening to tell the older women in their family - no one wanted their mom or grandma to be ashamed of them.
Anyway, all this was a really useful contrast to the nuclear family culture in the US. I think of how in queer community we need to start working more to take care of our elders and make sure they are included and given roles to play in our found families and lives.
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